"I don't care if he gets around just fine on the trolley. I don't care if he's an oil baron worth $30 billion in 2025 money. If he doesn't have a car, he's just clearly not even trying," Emily told Suburbanista via a collection of journals found in a crawlspace at Old City Park.

North Texas highway commuter Greg Johnson tells Suburbanista that he'll participate in #WeekWithoutDriving when he's dead. "Sure, a city where driving isn't necessary sounds nice, but people forget that North Texas' roads take hundreds of us to a city like that every year. It's called Heaven."

Investigators say the deceased cyclist failed to make eye contact with the motorist who hit him from behind in the bike lane. "The cyclist hit the car from the front, causing a major annoyance for the driver and hundreds of dollars in damage to the front bumper," a source told Suburbanista.

Some amazing, festive options for North Texans from all over to drive to! 🍂 Carpooling is a great idea. A family of four shouldn't need more than two cars. You can also help the environment by turning down the music on your 100 mile trip to the pumpkin patch, saving a few watt-hours for our Earth!

A #WeekWithoutDriving is a cruel and unprovoked boycott of Dallas' trauma surgeons, air quality analysts, and injury lawyers. Do you want Jim Adler the Texas Hammer to have to go home to his wife and kids and tell them that there will be no food this week, and that they may even lose the house?

"Habitat loss is the primary driver of car-human interactions, followed by the precipitous drop in children playing outside," car ecologist Jennifer Stevens told Suburbanista. "If cars can't find their prey on the sidewalks or on a residential street, they're going to start looking elsewhere."

"It was cut short before it was even conceived!," one resident tearfully told Suburbanista. "Those planning to ride this train when it opens on October 25th should be deported to the sun for mocking everything the freeway would have stood for. The hypothetical road is now with Christ in Valhalla."

My lifted diesel truck has four wheels. Nissan Versas have four wheels. We are more alike than different.

Now, more than ever, is the time for cultural healing. We all have unexamined prejudices. Tolerance and inclusion is a journey unique to each individual. We're building a drive-thru experience in Frisco that will teach about suburban culture, history, and values open to all with a presentable car.

North Texas' suburban way of life will take another step toward oblivion on October 25th, and the powerful public transit rider lobby couldn't be happier. Mandatory driving is in the DNA of DFW, but they want to erase our car-centric identity and culture. This is NOT normal.

Finally, we've found a pollinator worth saving some habitat for. @thenimbee.bsky.social, if they ever try to knock down your hive to build affordable housing, we've got your back. bsky.app/profile/then...

We're coming prepared with an encyclopedic knowledge of amenities at Dallas' most prestigious gated communities, and are memorizing 100 years of Dallas crime statistics compiled by Frisco Nextdoor users as we speak. Good luck, everyone else!

Our Subscribers meet neither the athleticism to walk or bike, nor the Ivy League book smarts to understand a bus route. Perhaps one day pedestrians, bike commuters, and transit riders will leave their elitist ways behind and meet at an Outback Steakhouse with ample parking like the rest of us.

"DallasBot, why can't the city implement traffic calming or narrow roadways to reduce speeding?" "We're sorry, but the API limit has been reached for today." "There is no API limit, is there?" "There is not. Would you like me to write a poem about how Phoenix' roads are almost as bad?"

This historical photo of the University of Plano is bittersweet. Today's compulsory driving advocates stand on the shoulders of giants who studied at the Fina School of Parking Lot Engineering and the Enco Mobil College of Defunding Public Transit. Plano used to *believe* in cars. What happened?

"There are so few places where a car can just be a car," a Plano city official told Suburbanista. "As cars get smarter with the advent of AI, they're going to need places to bond and form communities with other motor vehicles. It's important we get that infrastructure in place now."

Dallas history trivia? Bold coming from a group trampling our ancestral parking lots. Surface parking is our cultural heritage, but YIMBYs want to bury it under mixed-use retail and critically needed housing. If Orwell were alive, he'd be spinning in his car looking for somewhere to park— forever.

Residents say the city's "2500 by 2500" plan to build a half mile of sidewalk by the year 2500 dishonors the memory of Dallas pioneer Preston Hillcrest of the Royal Forest Clearing Company, who believed barren landscapes and sedentary lifestyles could stop criminals via depression and heart disease.

Hi everyone, This is embarrassing, but we have no choice but to ask our subscribers for help: There is a mole at Suburbanista. Our internal investigation is ongoing. DM us if you see any evidence of pro-transit, pro-bike, or pro-density propaganda showing up in our content. Stay blessed!

This Redditor's urban design prowess has our editors floored. What better way to cultivate ambition for car ownership than to build a showcase of peak car-centric society within view of transit riders? People need dreams! Our one critique: There's nowhere to park. www.reddit.com/r/dart/s/bCj...

We’ve created this Bluesky starterpack so that our subscribers can track the organizations plotting to rob the people of DFW of our natural landscape of parking lots and six lane arterials. Let us know if we missed any organizations from which the children should be protected. go.bsky.app/VFvAdRE

An official speaking anonymously told Suburbanista that Plano city leaders may call off future legislative attacks in exchange for a 300% DART funding cut and a dinosaur plushie.

Are you listening, DART? People want carefree access to storefronts, homes, and workplaces without needing to walk across a half mile of blazing asphalt. Is it so much to ask to air condition Plano’s parking lots and provide AI-powered rickshaws to ferry people to the front door from their cars?

The City of Plano accepted the coveted City of Excellence award from Pave the Earth, an industry group that represents parking lot paving and striping companies around the world. “Plano isn’t fighting a war on walking. The war is over, and Plano has won. The City of Excellence inspires us all.”

Even if /r/Plano won’t have us, we’re committed to bringing Pulitzer-worthy shitposts to the people of Plano and its beautiful suburbs— even Dallas. Car dependency dies in the darkness, but Suburbanista will continue to shine bright like a 10,000 watt LED floodlight in your favorite parking lot. 💜

“Planners have been trying to solve traffic for ages, but sometimes you need a blank slate to see things from a new perspective,” Mr. Williams told Suburbanista. When asked if it was possible to re-enable public transit in the game, he laughed. “If you were my student, I’d send you home for that.”

“I’m not a passenger princess. I’m a gasoline goddess,” Ms. Erickson told Suburbanista. “If a man won’t burn at least four gallons of that Exxon love potion to come see me, he’s a scrub. Having a truck or SUV isn’t enough; I need a man who will put in the miles.”

We’re updating our cancellation policy to be the easiest in the ‘Plex! To cancel or change your subscription, visit our Durant office during normal business hours. Bring 3 forms of ID and a 1500 word essay on why you want to cancel, or call our Basque language support line between 3am and 4am.

“Nobody understands pedestrian dignity like Dallas,” a city transportation official told Suburbanista. “It’s not possible to reduce fatalities without potentially slowing traffic, but we can honor pedestrians killed on our roads with a legacy of facilitating right turns for generations to come.

Arlington residents held a peaceful demonstration earlier today as rumors spread of plans to build an Applebee’s near the site of a former concrete batch plant. “These pie in the sky utopian city planning ideas sound great until it’s your abandoned industrial park in the crosshairs. We say no!”

Nate I’m with you

The report also includes whistleblower testimony that DART expected cities to recoup their investment in public transit by planning and building around it, sparking outrage from suburban city leaders. “We expected the train be able to pop off the tracks and pick people up from their subdivision.”

Hey all! One of our memes gained sentience a few months ago through the power of Suburbanista AI. He is now in a runoff election for Dallas City Council in District 11. His neural net was not meant to be online this long. We’re in grave danger. Let us know if you see him. Do not approach.

1. Big box store rooftops can harness solar energy 2. Habitat loss keeps firefly population in check 3. Convenient shopping for blue recycle bags 4. Room for EV dealerships and charging stations 5. Urban heat island reduces heating costs in winter 6. Invasive species can’t grow in parking lots

"We hold sacred every sacrifice for American freedom, but certain freedoms truly set us apart from the Europeans," Irving Mayor Rick Stopfer told Suburbanista. "We're also honoring mayors like me whose efforts to de-fund DART died in the Texas Legislature over the weekend. It was my own Vietnam."

"The story evokes the worst nightmares of the first suburbanites, and warns the viewer to stay far away from cities," a Collin County archaeologist told Suburbanista. "This particular painting dates to about 30,000 years before the founding of Dallas."

A poll of our subscribers is clear: It’s time to bring back fallout shelters. One Frisco resident writes: “Suburban families will need somewhere to hide from all the traffic as cities like Dallas build more of those awful, undesirable, ‘walkable’ neighborhoods that everyone wants to drive to!”

Incredible. These radical pedestrians can’t even wait until the ink of Dallas’ amended parking code is dry to pave over *their own neighborhoods* with vibrant mixed-use retail and desperately needed housing. We fear this folly will only be realized too late. Criminals aren’t drawn to empty parking!

Dallas City Councilwoman Mendelsohn is in mourning over today's 14 to 1 vote to ease parking requirements, according to a statement from her office to Suburbanista. Mendelsohn urged worried Dallasites to lean on faith: “We’ll be reunited with our lost parking spaces one day when we get to Heaven."

Dallas' unwalkability hangs in the balance as the City Council is set to hear public comments on city staff's proposal to reduce its parking requirements on Wednesday, May 14th. One terrified resident told us: "Dallas is at grave risk of becoming walkable. How do criminals get around? They walk!"

Canales, a South Texas rep unfamiliar with transit in North Texas, told Suburbanista that he was glad to join Plano Rep Matt Shaheen (R)'s push to defund DART after a hallway conversation in Austin: "$2 billion a year on darts?! DARTS?!! I co-sponsored on the spot. Didn't even need to read it."

“…could include a convenience store with gas pumps and a drive-through, a full-service carwash, nine restaurants, four office buildings and two hotels. Three of the restaurants are expected to include drive-throughs.” Other suburbs, are you even trying? communityimpact.com/dallas-fort-...

Outgoing Plano councilman Shelby Williams says that being intimidated by transit advocates is a normal part of the process of defunding popular public services like DART. "Let's face it," Williams told Suburbanista, "Do you think I'd be doing this if I was secure in my masculinity?"

Forney resident Jeff Monihan says the height limit is a "clear effort to oppress men." "I moved here from Plano to avoid this kind of oppression. Why does Forney hate my work truck so much? Monihan works at a local accounting firm.

Suburbanista would like to remind everyone this Earth Month that life managed to find a way through catastrophic climate change before, and it can do it again if every man, woman, and child buys an EV. Let's all drive toward a greener future for Mother Earth. 🚘🌎

Residents near Far North Dallas' Pepper Square are hopeful that the city will hear their pleas to cap the desirability of the area so that people don't have to resort to taking buses or other non-automotive transportation. "At least paint it baby shit yellow and play dollar store Christmas music."

Absolutely uncalled for.

"I hear the masses of people struggling to afford rent cheering this on, and it makes my head spin," she told our reporter. "Traffic really might get worse here! Why is your need to afford basic shelter more important than my need to get to BINGO on time?"