Alternate Headline: “Trump admits to doing coke with the Mets in the 80’s”

So what do you think Kissinger and Cheney are talking about in hell?

Ross Barkley sighting, and here I thought I was done with his punk ass

Gravyboat!

ICE agents greeted by a hero on arrival in New York this evening. Make statues of this.

I had a really weird dream where I was trapped in an SNL sketch with Ellen Cleghorn, she cried when I told her Phil Hartman had died. Bizarre.

Stop scrolling and post two characters who bring you happiness

Remember that time that serious person read a post on a satire account and got their undies in a bunch cause they don’t know satire? Boy that was funny.

I was disappointed to see no pigs were competing.

At an appointment for one of my kids and another parent shows up with their two sons “Donnie and Elon” and I think I am ready to move.

Got an email bright and early letting me know I passed the Texas Bar. Wishing similarly wonderful emails to all my fellow examinees.

Ketchup? Catsup? Are you here to solve my ketchup dilemma?

Combine this with the Saudi’s buying EA and ruining my sports games…it’s a bummer but you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.

Since nobody asked - a quart bottle of peroxide, half a box of baking soda, and two big squirts of dawn will get it out of a dogs fur.

Twice in 5 days my dog gets skunked. Not an ideal way to start my morning.

Nothing like waking up, walking outside with the dog, and watching him run straight into the smelly ass of a skunk. Happy Friday.

Watching “Werewolf by Night” again cause it’s spooky season, and I have to say - Marvel needs to make another episode, or a Dr Voodoo mini, literally anything like this would be phenomenal.

In honor of Robert Redford’s passing, we should make all the corporate journos watch “All the Presidents Men” and take copious notes.

I’d be OK with lowering flags for this legend. RIP

Only one team is perfect after 4 - Top of their Perch #YNWA

We’re not shaking the lucky label, and we’re only going to get better.

My youngest daughter loves that her cat looks like Carole King’s cat on the Tapestry album cover and it makes me feel like I’ve done at least one thing right as a parent.

In light of today’s real problems, I’d like to share my most first world of first world problems: I’ve landed a (great) new job that involves a 5 minute commute so now I won’t get to listen to all my favorite podcasts in the car anymore.

So #FilmSky convinced me to watch Freaky Tales this evening and I am wildly grateful.

Chicken tenders dipped in queso should be something done in more places and I am surprised that it isn’t a bigger deal.

Spectacular from Szoboszlai

Top of their perch #YNWA

Szobo Golazo! What a strike!! #YNWA

Allow me to conduct this hype train, and say Ngumoha will win more Ballon d’Or than Yamal. #YNWA

I find it shocking that Alex Iwobi is only 29, I feel like he has been in and around the Prem for at least 20 years

I know it’s Vietnam and not the US, but I would LOVE to see the liability waiver they have to sign. Holy shit.

The PFA Premier League Team of the Year.

So good to have the PL back, week 1 in the books

Giving Tobias Fünke vibes

If you told me to start listing artists that I would guess to be commenting in a Billy Joel documentary, I would give you a LOT of names before I got to Nas. Anyway, Nas and Billy Joel are both awesome, and so is this documentary on HBO.

Kerkez & Frimpong are really small, don’t think I had quite realized that. This Liverpool defense really does look unfamiliar with each other. Hopefully they can get in sync pretty quick. #YNWA

Thus Spoke Zarathustra #LFC #YNWA #RedSky Thank you Mo.

While not regularly a “thoughts and prayers” kind of guy, today is day 1 of the bar exam. I’ll take any prayers or thoughts to whatever entity you want to send them to. #BarExam #LawSky

You’ve inherited a movie theater, what’s your first double feature?

Weezer quite often gives me a creepy vibe. Not sure why, but most of me wants to dislike the band. Maybe it feels like they're trying too hard. That said, when "Say it aint so" comes on, you can bet I'm singing at an inappropriate volume. The Blue Album still hits so damn hard I cant help myself.

Is anyone in Hollywood working on an Epstein biopic?

The Epstein List is this generation’s JFK Assassination conspiracy

Watched Riff Raff last night and i really enjoyed it. I would also like to thank the director for cutting short the Union/Harris love scene. I didn’t need to see any more than what they showed.

20 earns us 20. A fitting tribute to Diogo Jota. #YNWA

Big guys loved watching him score

RIP Diogo Jota. Forever loved and I’ll always be looking for you sneaking into the box to win a header you had no business getting to. Love to your family and to your brother, gone too soon. #YNWA

Because it came up in a family group chat, I would just like the world to know that I'm irritated that Julie Andrews never won a Tony. If anyone deserves an EGOT that doesnt have one, it is a travesty.

Post an unusual sign if you feel like it

Post an unusual sign if you feel like it

Post an unusual sign if you feel like it