::slowly stands while clapping::

of all the days to be binge watching succession 😎

there's something deeply ironic about the children of millennials being told that they, too, are not allowed to enjoy avocado toast www.cpsc.gov/Recalls/2025...

presenting my premiere television episode stress spectrum [lower stress episodes] - president’s deputy chief of staff doesn’t want to listen to yo yo ma - big guy defends server rack from supervisor - russian family has chat with their neighbor in a parking garage

this japan/SK/china alliance thing is the geopolitical equivalent of kendrick and drake dropping a double album of crooning duets

girl: babe i wanna dance male figure skater: ok but i have some extremely specific requests that involve wearing sequins and strapping knives to our feet male figure skater: also you have to do everything i do, but backwards

cool i was thinking of doing a capitalism but now i’m gonna drive my car until it hits 250,000 miles or the wheels literally fall off and i can no longer re-attach them

wasn’t prepared for the fact that i don’t really know any nursery rhymes so this small human is gonna get renditions of black hole sun and heart shaped box instead

no surprise that conan did so well hosting the oscars considering that the man knows exactly what it feels like to be robbed

Sending an email to employees asking them to list five things they did that week is a classic move from a manager who has no idea how to manage

They need him to be a genius because they cannot handle what it means for them to be tricked by a fool.

you'd think after this many years of knowing myself as a clumsy person, i'd know better than to buy white clothing

Good morning to this man, and this man only #bbcqt

if we’re supposed to be in the final days of rome then we need fewer lifted trucks driven by sweaty men with metabolic syndrome, and more buff shirtless dudes driving gilded chariots with beautiful horseys. i’ll gladly sit back and watch this whole place go to hell with that kind of entertainment.

SF wanted in on that california attention too, i guess

happy “oh shit, oh fuck damn it i need to spend down the rest of my FSA that doesn’t roll over before midnight” day to all who celebrate

currently about 5mins into red one and laughing my ass off at how real it is that buff santa is seamlessly integrated into the american military industrial complex

happy tornado warning in san francisco day to all who celebrate

subaru crosstreks are a girl’s best friend

you’d think after 39 years on this godforsaken planet that my body would’ve figured out how to adapt to time zone changes, but no it just has to go and learn the same stupid lesson every time

going forward, at the start of every work presentation i will be including a 30 second casper mattress commercial, and at the end i’m going to have a slide with my venmo QR code

truffles (chocolate) > truffles (pig-discovered) my mind will not be changed

The way they pre-populated the servers with high-follow influencer types and fuckin’ brands kinda says everything you need to know about Threads. Like “ah, yes, finally, a new Twitter for the brands to enjoy!”

what threads thinks it is v. what it actually is

Reconnecting with my Twitter mutuals.

go fast boats mojito

between the submersible that’s too submersed and the cruise ship discovering that wind is dangerous, i’m gonna double down on my belief that humans weren’t really supposed to go that far out into the ocean

maybe in 2123 some budding entrepreneur will create a tourism sub tragedy tourism sub to dive down and view the wreckage of the titanic wreckage tragedy tourism sub 🤔

my local hipster coffee shop switched pastry suppliers, refuses to offer chai lattes, and now insists on playing free jazz (which is my biggest panic attack trigger). i’m not a curmudgeonly “change is bad” kinda girlie, but it finally feels like it’s time to cut the cord and switch to peet’s 🥺

maybe this will get them to stop

just saw 3 teenage girls walking across the street wearing pyjama pants and torn-up hoodies with holes cut for thumbs. it’s like i’m back in 1999- all they were missing was a discman blasting green day and chunky headphones

curated in 2020 by a geriatric millennial, TikTok’s hottest Algorithm’s got everything: dollhouse miniatures, ghosthoney, carpet cleaning ASMR, and russian dash cam videos that feature the worst humans alive attempting to do dom turetto style stunts in cars built during the soviet era

the reason millennials have trust issues is because our way of explaining our mental state will involve saying something like “haha i am an emotionally vacant shambling corpse” and boomers will chirp “humpday, huh?” in response

the only thing helping me get into heaven at this point is the fact that i still shoo bugs* outside the house instead of doing a big stomp *mosquitoes get fucked tho

all i’m asking for is one perfect slice of cheese pizza, west coast. just one.

went to an event today where the caterers labeled the water pitcher as “bay area water” and i could not love that more ♥️

somebody get that duolingo owl on this app so i can cry-scream at it

cookie ranking 1. chocolate chip (top tier) 2. peanut butter with the criss-cross fork design in the top 3. girl scout cookies 4. ginger snaps 5. oreos . . . . . . . - 10,000. snickerdoodles (extremely gross)

by far the best thing about being an adult is the moment that you come to the realization that nobody has a fucking clue as to what’s going on and that we’re all just making this up as we go along. once you embrace the absurdity it all starts to click, and that’s god damned delightful.

for anyone else out there who sneezes like 40 times after you’ve finished eating: it’s called ‘gustatorial rhinitis’

if you chase multivitamins with a swig of diet coke does it just cancel the whole thing out or what

being the victim of a hit and run is incredibly confusing, because there’s no straightforward way in english to describe what happened. you can’t say “i got hit and runned” or “someone hit and run me” like that doesn’t work at all. “i got hit and ran” implies that you got up and chased them. wtf.

thrilled that the first whiff of drama i’ve encountered on the butterfly app is that some dudes are offended by butterflies 🦋 they are heavy metal af. imagine growing a pod and turning into a volatile goo that recombines itself into a different form. literal shapeshifters. resplendent moths. damn.

post-op bodies are the wildest things: 1 day after a surgery i’m like “yess time to take on the world!” only to crash miserably. afterwards my body will find that “meat puddle” is an acceptable shape, and it will not deviate from that shape for the next four days.

that earthquake was spooky af

just saw a garage door on a hilly street in sf that said “cars towed” with 9 tally marks 👹

there are precious few things keeping me from entering goblin mode this week 🫠

super impressed by the latest john wick flick