good news, my therapist said I'm cured and to never contact her again

i just told my daughter she couldn’t wear the same outfit a second day in a row and she said “my signature style is dirty”

I can’t wait until Wicked 3: Tokyo Drift gets released next year.

went to paradise. yeah, it was paved

Will we learn that the whole Justin Trudeau - Katy Perry thing was just an attempt to get her to perform at the Grey Cup? Stay tuned.

I loathe you! <slow wink>

Give it to me, baby [me when I take candy from a baby]

You had me at “I like a girl with personality” because I have a few.

This is complete hogwash

“I’m jazzed up on Diet Coke,” he said middle agedly.

In Hell there are no good haircuts.

He’s not your stepdad, he’s your faux pa

wife: you should go move the clocks me: no problem [three hours later] wife: where the fuck are all the clocks?

Turkey is not my jam, and other ways to get out of Thanksgiving meals.

we did it you guys we saved daylight

Will Andrew now be known as the Andrew formerly known as Prince Andrew?

alexa, scare the trick-or-treaters

I hope this new Bruce Springsteen biopic finally reveals where Bruce Springsteen was born. The country of his birth has been up for debate for quite some time. Frankly, it would've been helpful if he wrote a song about it.

OK. Blue Jays. Well Played.

Beethoven alive: Composer Beethoven dead: Decomposer

Halloween is the only time you can walk around with a severed head and not get hassled.

All mushrooms are edible …. some only once.

Listen up kids. When you get married, your spirit animal "goes to live on a farm"

Game 1 blowout for the Blue Jays, just like Ronald Reagan predicted.

wait did ronald reagan just say go blue jays

Artist rendering of completed White House ballroom addition.

I'm not a baseball fan at all but at this point, I will fully throw my bandwagon support behind the Blue Jays to win the World Series just so that a Canadian team can win America's Game. Elbows up, mf.

I don’t ask for much. Just love, foot rubs, a gothic castle, eternal life, and a masked man chasing me through the woods while i pretend i don’t want to get caught.

Dad: "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4000, but it's state of the art. Me: “Wow, what kind is it?" Dad: "Twelve thirty."

Nothing fires up Toronto fans like a manager saying ‘fuck’ during a broadcast.

On my way to the Louvre

Dearest Martha, We fought hard today to hold back the enemy forces. God help us, we needed supplies of lily pads to keep them behind the front lines. My men were almost deafened by the relentless sound of croaking. Pray for us.

i’m having trouble deciding which cape i should wear to my job interview

if you make eye contact with a cop next to you at a red light you have to race them. it’s the law

If I was an astronaut I would end every relationship by saying, “Look, I just need some space”

"Can't complain." I lie.

have you tried jumping in a big pile of leaves about it?

hey, everyone! im gonna be signing guitars at the sherman oaks guitar center tomorrow from 3pm until they call the cops to have me removed. come say hi!

Feel like ‘slim chance’ and ‘fat chance’ should mean different things.

So apparently "slacks off all the time" was my performance review and not a memo about the office dress-code. Noted.

Ever go to a restaurant and just start moving tables around like you own the place? Well cut it the fuck out.

Nobody breaks on through to the other side anymore.

you’re telling me this entire Siberian Orchestra is trans?

ME: do you know the french word for goodbye WIFE: adieu ME: what is it then

The only thing I fear more than the government shutting down is the government staying open

I got kicked out of law school when I cited joe v. the volcano on my final exam

Me: "Sweet dog!” Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog." Me: "Still in training, huh?" Policeman: "What do you mean?" Me: "Never mind."

I live alone so if I need to pee in the middle of the night before opening the door I always sing at the top of my lungs, “Sweet Caroline,” and just listen.

I bit my dentist today. Wasn't even getting a checkup at the time, I just saw him at the supermarket