I just logged onto the Oreo website and it asked me to accept their cookies.

In order to help humanity my end of life plans now include donating my body to science. I have chosen to donate to the Hayden Planetarium, please provide shipping directions. @neildegrassetyson.com

Yo, do you member when we threw away our 250 year republic because there are some brown people that live with us?

I lost 4 hours of sleep watching videos of people open packs of Pokemon cards. I have never owned Pokemon, watched Pokemon or have any interest in Pokemon. Maybe that is why I was happy every time they didn’t get what they wanted.

Hypothetically…if I taught my pet monkey how to steal but never received the stolen property or the profits… am I the bad guy? Felonious George is redistributing wealth?

Do you remember when the people’s vote mattered? Republic apparently means fuck the people.

www.cnn.com/2026/05/07/w... You know things aren’t going well when you say things like this week shit

I filled up 3 tanks of gas over the last couple of days. Anyone buying a kidney?

On this cinco de mayo remember how important this day is for our culture. That culture is everyone who hates the French, have some tequila everyone.

I can’t decide what would be better. Aliens come to earth to provide enlightenment, end disease and bring peace on earth. OR I win every single one of my fantasy leagues this year.

Hey Waffle House. This is your chance, buy the Spirit Airlines and assume your final form.

The older I get the more I become a far less intelligent version of Rick Sanchez

If these monks that meditate for years are so “enlightened”, then why haven’t any of them invented a single flavor of wing sauce?

After realizing I have put on some weight the last year I have been on a strict diet of expired yogurt. I’m down 20 lbs in 2 weeks, take that GLP1 junkies.

Last night I dreamt that I went to a massive work meeting without any pants. I couldn’t get over how cool all my coworkers were about it all. None of them understood why I was so appreciative at work today.

Dear Morons of America, Don’t attack politicians, ever. You just make that politician more popular. If you are that passionate, go sign up new voters. F’ing Sincerely, Us Normies

Every time my wife points out what I am doing wrong I have to remind her that god only made 1 perfect man. That perfect man was Jeff, he dumped her before she started dating me because all she did is nag nag nag.

In order to save the human race I propose we no longer share our thoughts on Ai anywhere online. From here on out please only share your thoughts on Ai in the hello kitty note book taped to door of your local 7-11.

I think I lost at least 2 years in the late 90s thinking about Fiona Apple. I’m sad her career wasn’t bigger but I’m glad I recovered the ability to function.

The more I think about it, the less I understand why have I morals. Is morality something a therapist can help me move past?

Sure, this Presidency has been a shit show, but the other option was a woman.

Best case scenario is our President enters rehab tonight and explains that his actions have been caused by an out of control Adderall and methadone addiction and we are withdrawing from this war.

Well, now there will be long term gas prices through the roof. Before it was blocked and now both sides are attacking infrastructure.

Hmm, maybe the is year I’ll enjoy the taste of a Cadbury Egg. It sure seems popular so I’m missing something. Yeah no, 45th year in a row it sucks.

Hey Pam Bondi. Since you have the Epstein files and Congress and dictated it’s full release you can go ahead and share that now.

Well, that speech…

Ok, we get it. Now say “Live From NY”

Trump speeches off of a teleprompter are delivered like a third grade book report

I’m bored, I can’t find any shows to stream. Anyone have DMT I can try?

“These religious extremists aren’t respecting our threats” -US and Israeli Administrations “These religious extremists aren’t respecting our threats” -Iranian Administration

Iran if you are listening. Find the email that shows the moment Kash Patel gave up on Epstein conspiracy and protected Trump and friends from the truth.

Hypothetical question. What if the truth is that Trump has the negotiating skills of a 3 year old? I know, crazy to think he isn’t a master but you know, what if?

1 week later: 30 travelers in 7 days shot while reaching for their bag edition.cnn.com/2026/03/21/p...

I’m willing to bet the inventor of the auto flush toilet doesn’t have it in their own home.

I always hoped America’s first dictator would be more Hank Scorpio and less Lord Farquaad.

I saw a lady wearing a sweatshirt that said DEMOCRACY and nothing else. Interesting, I made an assumption as to which side of the aisle she prefers.

The German political system is light years better than the US. A pirate party? Yes please

Great negotiator my ass

Some how I hold the opinions that every person is fascinating with unique perspectives on this world and that 90% of people aren’t worth engaging with

The psycho-reactive river of slime running under our country is almost ready for my return. Wait, who is that F’ing orange guy that got here first?

If I ever get my hands on a Time Machine I’m going back to kick the shit out of my past self for never putting things away in my garage. Maybe after that I would consider trying to stop the whole nazism thing.

As I look forward on my life I can’t help but wish I’m going to make better choices.

I am sick and tired of the world judging America by what we say and do. Why can’t they love us for who we imagine ourselves to be?

Is there a WebMD that gives advice as approved by RFK Jr?

For some reason people who grow up in NYC don’t develop an internal monologue. They think and they just vomit unfiltered thought all over you.

Epstein files is over 5 million pages of fun

I am against the death penalty. I am however pro death very near death penalty.

I find it surprising the Catholic Church hasn’t yet built a Las Vegas casino

I’m starting to think these billionaires were just in it for themselves this whole time.

So uh, do we know what other rich people have private islands? You can’t tell me that all these losers went cold turkey once Espstein’s was shut down.