Tylenol causes autism the same way that hanging with Epstein causes brain worms.

I started working on new standup. Here's the first draft to some of it. Like and subscribe on Youtube, please and thank you. www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aJL...

I can't listen to classical music without imagining Bugs Bunny trying to trick Elmer Fudd.

What a weird day to be on the internet.

I will do anything for love. That’s why I learned Russian, to make sure my in-laws were not talking kakashka about me at the dinner table.

I hate when someone asks my astrological sign, I reply and they say “figures”. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

I hate working out because there’s no cheat code to get muscles immediately. Although you’d be surprised how effective of a work out UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT RIGHT is

HELP! I've been too tired to write jokes lately but I still need attention.

LA bus stop: Man: I'm 65, but look 35 (no he doesn't) and I date women younger than her (points to woman) Her: You date high school girls??? He shut up. We got on the bus. Everyone quiet until--- Man: JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS: I DON'T DATE HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS!!! Nice try, Diddy.

People who have "reposts are not endorsements" in their bio are actually saying "one time i accidentally retweeted a funny meme from a white nationalist".

“If you come, they will build it” — a hall of fame porn star at the unveiling of their statue.

People who have "reposts are not endorsements" in their bio are actually saying "one time i accidentally retweeted a funny meme from a white nationalist".

Has anyone ever had a “good time” by calling a phone number from a bathroom wall?

HELP! I've been too tired to write jokes lately but I still need attention.

One of my uncles just passed away. We found out that he wasn't a banker like we thought, but actually a government spy. The big tipoff: his whole obituary was redacted.

When I was young, I got all my “u up?” texts after midnight. The older I get, the earlier I get them. Nobody should ever get a “u up” text while the sun’s still out.

I have no idea how to spell chihuahua without autocorrect. I just type a bunch of letters and let autocorrect take the wheel from there.

Yesterday I met someone IRL who recognized me from Twitter. I got more starstruck than he did.

Orphanages are essentially super hero training centers.

Someone on threads called me a "Hollywood elite". I think I was supposed to be upset, but instead I gave an acceptance speech.

I keep losing my AirPods. Someone should invent AirPods with strings so you don’t lose them.

I realized recently I have a better relationship with my Instagram algorithm than I do with my father. I wish my IG algorithm was my father. My algorithm knows everything about me. It doesn’t get weird when I cry and my algorithm never cheated on my mom.

I keep losing my AirPods. Someone should invent AirPods with strings so you don’t lose them.

Happy Gilmore 1 and 2 take place in Connecticut. The Gilmore Girls takes place in Connecticut. I smell a crossover: Happy Gilmore Girls. Happy golf fights Lorelei and Rory while we get cameos from Melissa McCarthy. Everyone's happy.

ChatGPT is that friend who seems smart and even when called out for being factually incorrect will say "bUt acTuaLly..." and we buy it because he seems smart.

Someone on threads called me a "Hollywood elite". I think I was supposed to be upset, but instead I gave an acceptance speech.

Orphanages are essentially super hero training centers.

Sure, movies cost fifteen cents back then—but no one mentions how many Nazis our grandparents had to punch just to get there.

I made this in May, way before Coldplay KissCam was a thing!

Andrew Cuomo said he’s gonna move to Florida if Mamdami becomes the NYC mayor. I’m casting my vote by sending Cuomo a pair of flip flops and some sunscreen.

Trump stalls releasing the Epstein file like a kid who didn't read the book, knows he has to give a verbal report, asks for an extension, but we all know at the end of the day that he's not gonna read it.

LA bus stop: Man: I'm 65, but look 35 (no he doesn't) and I date women younger than her (points to woman) Her: You date high school girls??? He shut up. We got on the bus. Everyone quiet until--- Man: JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS: I DON'T DATE HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS!!! Nice try, Diddy.

Reframing my life. I didn’t move to LA just to be a comedian. I came to shine in the service industry. My goal? To be the best waiter who tells jokes on the side. 🍽️

Imagine being so anti-education that you celebrate the dismantling of the education system because some Yale and Harvard educated politicians told you that was the smart thing.

I was working on an SNL writing sample for this upcoming season. I posted it to my substack so you can all read it, that’d be nice.

Reframing my life. I didn’t move to LA just to be a comedian. I came to shine in the service industry. My goal? To be the best waiter who tells jokes on the side. 🍽️

You can’t just eat healthy food—you have to pamper it first. You have to rinse your lettuce, massage your kale, but I draw the line at giving my rutabaga a handjob.

There’s a guy on the train blasting 90s nu-metal. People are screaming at him to turn KoRn off 🤣 I’m really hoping to see my first mosh pit on an LA Metro.

If Hakeem Jeffries could have just filibustered until the 2026 Midterms, we wouldn't be in this mess!!

Why does my car’s speedometer go up to 160 MPH but starts shaking the second I hit 50 MPH?

It should be illegal for children to do pushups in public. Have you ever seen a kid try to do one? No upper body strength. It just looks like they’re trying to get the sidewalk pregnant.

I got a voicemail from an AI telemarketer. To make the call sound more realistic, they made him cough a few times. Bro probably caught a computer bug.

Life hack: I put my steps counter on my Roomba. My house is clean and I’m getting my steps in.

It shouldn't get lost that just today, Senate Republicans have voted to close nursing homes, close rural hospitals, and cut food stamp benefits for children and veterans.

If there was ever a time to call your Senator, this is it. Voting has begun on the GOP plan to cut off health care for working-class Americans and slash taxes for the wealthiest.

This guy is on billboards all over LA. Just me or does he look like a Fred Armisen character?

Today I yelled at my dog to sit at the dog park. I was pleasantly surprised when 20 dogs synchronously sat down… All except my dog.

Tonight I did a show in West Hollywood, the most NIMBY neighborhood on Earth. They're the kinda NIMBYs who put up a ‘Black Lives Matter’ sign but skipped the ICE protests because they had brunch reservations. "I’m an ally, just not before mimosas".

I like that to sound more realistic, the AI phone scammer voices that bomb my voicemail now say “uh” “uhm” and cough a lot more. You know you’re poor when you get the AI scammer with smokers cough.

I hate when the McDonald’s cashier is like “do ya wanna round up for cancer research?” I can either single-handedly cure cancer OR I can buy another McDouble.