When you’re haunted by ghosts with neck pain but totally indifferent to their suffering because the side sleeper trick works so well

This is how a New York Times writer confesses to his wife that he went to a brothel in Paris

It's 1998. You're surfing the web at the Burger King Internet corner, reading about the successful bombings of two U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania, attacks which you personally had a hand in planning. Little do you know, this is the pinnacle of your life.

In marrying his mother, Oedipus successfully seized the means of broduction

Everywhere I look I see UFOs Uncs Facing Opposition

“There’s a hantavirus outbreak on a cruise ship” (panicky murmurs from audience) “in the Strait of Hormuz” (big sighs of relief) “sailing under US protection” (scattered groans) “but still being fired on” (cheers)

I’m sorry, but Odysseus would never have said anything like this during the sack of Troy 😤😡

Catholic buddy comedy about a guy getting advice about women from the talking skull of St. Thomas Aquinas

"A spectre is haunting Europe—the spectre of toxic people and fake friends.”

"A spectre is haunting Europe—the spectre of toxic people and fake friends.”

The most devastating page in all of world literature. Just brutal.

If nothing else, the story of Good Friday and Easter is a powerful argument for the restorative effects of a three-day weekend

One week left to buy a Samuel Beckett advent calendar for April, with 12 compartments leading up to his birthday on the 13th, each compartment containing nothing

They’re spending half a billion dollars to do Groverhaus at the White House

“Brent Crude” sounds like the name of an 80s action hero

“Oops!… I Did It Again (First As Tragedy, Then As Farce)”

CHATGPT: You’re right, you were much further out than I thought—and not waving but drowning. My responses are generated based on patterns in data rather than human-like understanding,

ALTMAN: Thanks guys, you really put the ‘super’ in ‘superannuated’ 👍 Goodbye forever! 👋

Think I’m having a stroke

Secretary Hegseth Promises Safe Passage to Bottom of Bottle of Wild Turkey 101: “There will be no pardon for this turkey. Total domination to the last drop.”

Watching my friends pass safely through the Strait of Hormuz on an oil tanker, they’re all just out of frame

J. WALTER WEATHERMAN (having just swum to shore from a flaming oil tanker in the Strait of Hormuz): “And that’s why you never go to war with Iran”

“Lethal elite 'black-clad' kill squad guards” sounds like a headline my 5yo would write

If Iran set up a “Sponsor a Mine in the Strait of Hormuz” program, with a little photo of the mine and an update if it explodes, I’ll bet it would be very popular

TRUMP: We shall not cease from exploring, folks. We’re gonna explore so much, you may even get tired of exploring. And I’ll say, “The end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started. To make an end is to make a beginning. We have to explore more.”

Dreading having to have “the talk” with my son (i.e. what to do if a man shows up on our doorstep who looks exactly like me and claims that he’s the real William Gerrard and I’m an imposter 🙄)

5yo: Dada, have you been alive for more than a decade? Me: I’ve been alive for more than four decades. 5yo (getting uneasy): How old *are* you?

Sun Tzu says to do this

Due to declining literacy, future generations will show up in Hell totally unable to parse the delicious irony of the eternal torment chosen specifically for them based on their characteristic form of sinfulness 😫

Just learned that Bill Gates based Clippy on Jeffrey Epstein. Really glad I never accepted help from him.

My 5yo asked me “what’s it like to be a grown up,” and it was all I could do not to just navigate to this image on my phone

Couldn’t resist picking up this (fully posable) Freud action figure at a flea market, which I’m displaying as a reminder to myself that he cannot, under any circumstances, keep getting away with it

Strange to think that Will Smith’s entire musical and cinematic output will one day be eclipsed to the point of oblivion by the increasingly realistic AI videos of him eating spaghetti

Strange to think that Will Smith’s entire musical and cinematic output will one day be eclipsed to the point of oblivion by the increasingly realistic AI videos of him eating spaghetti

Come on, man

On President’s Day, if the President sees his shadow, it means 12 more months of the state of exception

Waving your hands in vain in front of an empty automatic paper towel dispenser or non-functional blow dryer is one of the great petty humiliations of modern life. The spotlight abruptly falls on Bozo the Wet-Handed Clown as he finds himself performing his signature act yet again.

Amelia Bedelia’s friends at the hospital with chemical burns on their feet after they invited her to drop some acid

Telling my kid’s friends that I’m something of a “K-Pop demon hunter” myself, only the demons *I’m* grappling with are inner

The established and hardworking RSV that had been slaving away in my system for a week reading the genetic code of the norovirus that brought me to my knees in a matter of minutes this past weekend

(from Lin-Manuel Miranda’s “EPSTEIN”) Larry Summers: Yo Jeffrey, you gotta help me, somethin about Summers is a bummer with the ladies Epstein: No hummers for Summers? You need some style, man—come to my island, I’ve got parties for smarties, invite all your Harvard Yardies,

PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL: Truly I tell you, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom. PRESIDENT OF THE INNER CIRCLE (pretending to translate): Sorry, folks—six more weeks of winter! PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL: O generation of vipers,

I’m so far along in my journey that I didn’t even click on the article

They’ve posted a lot of deranged shit over the past few months, but I swear I’ll never forget the day they posted a video of the suicidal penguin from Encounters at the End of the World who marches off to his certain death in the mountains and said “us”