My son thinks it’s a pipe

Explaining to my 5yo that, while the Trojans did undoubtedly FAFO, it was arguably cringe of the Greeks to fight a 10 year simp war

I’m sorry, but Odysseus would never have said anything like this during the sack of Troy 😤😡

Buying some fresh produce

Classic euphemistic NY Times headline—sounds better than "I jumped out a window"

Classic euphemistic NY Times headline—sounds better than "I jumped out a window"

The various faith traditions differ widely on this subject. No one really knows 🤷

Lindsey Graham got to live to see his lifelong dream of the U.S. going to war with Iran come true, and he got to die before the full scope of the disaster was able to reveal itself. Gotta hand it to him.

Lindsey Graham got to live to see his lifelong dream of the U.S. going to war with Iran come true, and he got to die before the full scope of the disaster was able to reveal itself. Gotta hand it to him.

His best move now is to expand on the tattoo a second time to make it Nazi again and try running as a Republican

A German tattoo shouldn’t disqualify you from running for office

I’ll bet Platner regrets covering up that sweet skull and crossbones tattoo for nothing 🤣

Not to brag but I have a perfect record of not trusting guys with Nazi tattoos

Proponents of intelligent design always point to complex but ultimately explicable phenomena like the anatomy of the eye, and never to the truly unfathomable coincidence that the word “assume” *just happens* to contain the words ass, you (phonetically), ***and*** me

Don’t let the woke weather stop you from celebrating America’s Golden Age

This pole is how I keep abreast of happenings in LA

I see how it is

If the ancient world had known about black holes, it’s likely there would be obscene mythological stories about them. A loss to literature.

This Mel Brooks quote is still one of the all-time best statements about the nature of comedy

This diva

This diva

Thinking about him today, and every day

RFK Jr. sneaking out at night to dip his penis in the Reflecting Pool algae

Explaining the World Cup to my son (i.e. that when the World Cup is full, a being with an unpronounceable name pours out its contents, destroying us and our world and allowing the cup to be filled again in an endless cycle with no aim or gooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllll

Explaining the World Cup to my son (i.e. that when the World Cup is full, a being with an unpronounceable name pours out its contents, destroying us and our world and allowing the cup to be filled again in an endless cycle with no aim or gooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllll

You would expect a world-historical narcissist to be able to get a Reflecting Pool right, but alas

Is it still considered Stockholm Syndrome if your captor really is an awesome person and the hostage situation is objectively not his fault?

Schrödinger's Israel both "commits to cease-fire in Lebanon" and "is likely to continue attacks in Lebanon"

He looks like he just framed Dick Tracy for murder

Trent Reznor (at a concert in Stockholm) “🎶 What have I become…….. my ***Swedish*** friend 🎶” (winking smile, crowd screams)

Man, the writing on this show really fell off

(Joe Biden voice) Listen here you new world screwworm,

Goddamn unreliable narrator—you had *one* job!

“Retrobution” is when you take revenge in an old-fashioned way, like putting a banana in someone’s tailpipe, or tricking them into eating their own children

The Knicks should have a German counterpart team named Das Nichts (“The Nothing”) and it should only play the Knicks and it should never score

No no, I wasn't saying "L-O-L" to your sad story, I was saying "El [ancient Hebrew name for God], oh El,”

(with great emotion, to my 5yo as he haltingly finishes reading a story in Highlights all by himself) You’ve just read your *first* free article

In 1769, the future emperor of France was born on Corsica. This year, the future emperor of the United States will be born on Love Island.

“PRATTFALL” tabloid headline is right there for whoever wants it

Scary to think you’re sharing the road with someone like this

#bookcover #coverart

Imagine being a callous, unfeeling person and sitting down to breakfast and this is what you see

Don't be the guy at the start of an apocalyptic battle who, upon hearing the enemy's trumpet blast, portentously says, "And so it begins." We know it's beginning. We all heard it. We're not stupid.

Dang

The Onion was overly optimistic in assuming that the fighting would be done offshore

Before and after having children

My 5yo will sometimes try, with varying levels of success, to coin a new expression, and today he came up with, “You scared me out of my tuna salad!”

Before and after having children