In Gorton and Denton, 706 people voted for the Conservative Party. 700 out of about 37,000 votes. That doesn’t seem like a lot.

I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS Actually, I'll probably text ahead first to make sure you're in and then find a mutually convenient excuse to cancel that makes neither of us feel too guilty but instead relieved that we don't have to socialise.

Can we please have more ministers calling out twats who noisily espouse “British values” but quietly avoid paying tax here.

Looks like I picked the wrong month to start Dry January

A Not-In-Any-Particular-Order List Of things Wot I Have Enjoyed So Far In 2026 That I Am Sharing Here In Case You Might Enjoy Them Too (an irregularly-updated thread):

I’ve started listening to news podcasts a week late because it reminds me of happier, more peaceful times.

Donald Trump MUST be a man of peace. He's got TWO peace prizes. No, never mind how he got them.

You know that Christmas movie, “The Santa Clause”, where overnight Tim Allen gets fat and his hair and beard turn white? Well the same thing is happening to me, but over a much longer time period.

Baritone sheep doing limbo? That's a low baa.

I’m disappointed that my local Waitrose no longer stocks the particular Tiptree marmalade I like and I’m not sure I have ever typed a more middle-class post.

My favourite Simpsons sequence is the one where Sideshow Bob keeps stepping on rakes. And no matter how many times he gets smacked in the face, he keeps on doing it. Anyway. I see Prince Andrew has been doing his own reputation management again.

Back from work y’day to discover Mrs N out with the dog, & a roast-in-the-bag chicken in the oven, along with spuds, veg, etc. Perfect. Except it wasn’t a roast-in-the-bag chicken. It was a chicken. In its plastic wrapping. Rather than roasting a chicken, she’d shrink-wrapped it. We had a takeaway.

I'm not saying my local TV news is shit, but the top story this morning is "man who put up 300 England flags in his village says he's almost certainly not a racist". This feels like a @larryandpaul.bsky.social bit. What a lovely story.

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like farts in the wind. Yeah, ok, sure. I’ll grant you, the rain simile is *slightly* more poetic.

Where better to be on the evening of the 9th day of the 9th month than watching the Inside No 9 live show - Stage/Fright. Like the telly show: clever, fun and brilliant manipulation of audience expectations. They’re just very good at this. Wait. 9/9/2025. And 2+0+2+5 is…

Last day of the group stages of the Women’s #RugbyWorldCup. And some fool has trusted me to look after the match ball. Feels like a MASSIVE error of judgement.

Done it. And somehow managed to do it in under an hour. I’m basically an athlete. Who knew? Yes, my legs will feel like they are on fire for most of next week. But I did it for a great cause. Please help make my intense discomfort worthwhile: www.justgiving.com/page/p10pete...

I’m an hour from the off. Last chance to a good AND an evil thing: 🤘 Good: put some dosh towards protecting exploited kids & young people. 😈 Bad: put enough in so I can’t pull out of this and keep a clean conscience. Thanks to the lovely people who have donated already. 🙏

Well, this is embarrassing. Apparently, according to the charity, I need to "raise some sponsorship" otherwise I'm "costing them money" and there's "no point in me" running. Well, I assume the word "running" should be there. Would you kindly do me a solid and bung in a couple of quid sponsorship? 🙏

Some idiot has volunteered to run a 10k for charity. Some idiot really does not enjoy running 10k. For anyone. Some idiot really needs you to donate to guilt-trip him into actually running this 10k. justgiving.com/page/p10pete... (It's a Very Good Charity) Thanks! 🙏

Let’s have us a World Cup, shall we? #RWC2025

This is the best account on Twitter dot com and you should really be following them on here too. Never misses.

Watched the new Superman movie. I can only assume those giving it rave reviews simply never had the joy of being 6 years old and watching Christopher Reeve in the cinema.

Doing some expenses catching-up on the train. Who reckons I will have absolutely no problem explaining to my accountant that this is merely short for “Bern Wankdorf Stadium”?

It’s England time. 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 #WEURO2025 #Zurich

🚨New stadium klaxon🚨 And this one’s a proper bucketlist one!

Let’s have us a Premiership Rugby Final, shall we? Bath Rugby v Leicester Tigers - I don’t think there’ll be much in this. Could be a classic!

I’m aware this could give my carefully-cultivated man-of-the-people image a bit of a knock, but today I’m announcing at the Polo. I’m still a man of the people. It’s just my people are better than yours. If it helps, tomorrow I’m doing Featherstone Rovers v York. Balance.

Why is nobody calling the Sistine chimney the “Pope Pipe”?

Me, who has distractedly watched "Conclave": "Ah, the black smoke you see isn't actually the ballots being burned - it's just a smoke canister. It means the Cardinals have been unable to reach the required 2/3rds majority and so the last remaining candidates are now off to Judges' Houses..."

Newcastle looking spectacular - as always - ahead of #MagicWeekend

Newcastle looking spectacular - as always - ahead of #MagicWeekend

THIS WEEKEND! Bedford Tigers RLFC play their first home game of the season - except it’s not at home. They’re playing at Bedford Blues’ Goldington Road. Kids for a quid. Adults for a fiver. And a possible record Southern Conference League crowd. Come on! Support non-heartland RL!

Think my first day as “guy who plays the Champions League Anthem as the teams come out onto the field” went preeeeety well.

The stadium nause in me loves being able to tick off a new venue to work in. It’s a big old night here.

“There's such divinity doth hedge a King, That treason can but peep to what it would.” - King Bert, Master of all He surveys, after this morning’s Parkrun.

Nobody likes a running Tweet (Sky? Bluey??), but allow me this: I just shaved 30 seconds off my Parkrun personal best. I’m fitter, faster and (probably) younger than I’ve ever been. I’m confounding the experts. I’m basically a medical marvel.

International Rugby League is peak Rugby League. And an Ashes Series is peak International Rugby League. Bring it on! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🏉🇦🇺 www.bbc.co.uk/sport/rugby-...

Lego have just released a 1-metre long T-Rex skeleton and I feel an urgent need to give Lego £220. www.lego.com/en-gb/produc...

I firmly believe that most England fans didn't appreciate what we had. I also believe that, regrettably, many didn't care.

One thing nobody tells you about owning a dog: There will be a morning where, tired and bleary-eyed, your hand isn’t fully ensconced (yes, ensconced) in the poo bag. And it will be THE worst thing that ever happens to your thumb.

I love that I get to be involved in most big Rugby League events, but while the great and the good of the sport descend on Las Vegas this weekend, I'm completely happy to be at home. Totally fine with it. I'm cool. I'm grand. God, stop going on about it. Totally OK. I'm.. fine.

Yesterday, with time to kill, I visited the gorgeous Ilkley Cinema to watch the Bob Dylan biopic. Tiny room, comfy sofas, and they’ll bring you your pot of (Yorkshire) tea and chocolate brownie to your seat. If cinema-going was more like this, I’d be there every week.

A very happy “SuperLeague Is Back” Day to all who celebrate.

Apologies to all other pups, but the title of "Goodest Boy" has been sewn up for the next few years by this adorable little shit machine.

I’m not starting a January diet while I’ve still got so many Terry’s Chocolate Oranges I need to count them as part of my five-a-day.

Need a volunteer to keep a record of the number of chocolatey Swiss rolls I eat this Christmas. You’ll log.

Completed it mate.

Is this a daft idea? This feels like a daft idea. Running 10k round Silverstone in the middle of a winter storm with 60mph winds. This is definitely a daft idea. Make it worthwhile: Bung some money to MND, Movember, the Samaritans or someone else nice, would you?