Welcoming Immigrants and Their Children Here

I misspoke when I announced receiving Trevor's ashes and the whole caboodle. The little vile is his FUR not his ashes! I wasn't in good light, and it just looked dark, so I assumed it was, like, a tiny bit to spread somewhere if we wanted. But no. It is his gorgeous kitten fluff. Gods, I miss him.

Isn't "kid rock" the new name for epstein island?

i picked up trevor's ashes yesterday. it was bitter-sweet. they included with the urn, a small vial of ashes, a lovely sympathy card from the crematorium, a gold name plate, and a card with his tiny kitten paw print. i'm so glad I got it done. worth every penny.

i just had a call from the vet and trevor's ashes are ready to be picked up. i'm looking forward to bringing him home.

It is with a heavy heart & immeasurable sadness that I share that I had to say goodbye to my cat, Trevor, today. Guys he was extraordinary. I took him for an urgent visit to the vet, but she said he had only a few days at most, and it would be thousands to even test him. I am devastated.

Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed and smacked my head on the faucet. I now have a giant goose egg on my forehead that I think is going to hatch at any time, but that may just be the brain damage talking.

me: okay honey I'm gonna go see ramalakshmi. see you in a bit! sam: is that why you put makeup on? me: yes. I want to look pretty. sam: are you and ramalakshmi doing the horizontal hallelujah? me: lmao no but I am definitely calling it that now.

Did you hear about the French guy who used dynamite to remodel his kitchen? It was Linoleum Blownapart 🤣🤣🤣 Sorry please help me. I can't unfollow myself.

I think we should all consider this.

Casually having a chat with Sam and for some reason, (obviously wine) I mentioned the raphe, which is the scrotal line which divides the testicles, but I called it the "ball stitch" and, well, let's just say he immediately searched me for a surgical scalpel and asked me to leave the man cave.

heads up, guys!

What's the scariest religion? BOO-dhism hahahaha! Just kidding. It's all of them.

i feel like if zombies ate my brain, they would be in a psychedelic coma for like at least 4 days

I've quit drinking for good!! 😇 Now I'm only drinking for evil 😈🥂

accidentally opened my eyes during prayer at church and saw jesus doing the worm

first hour of watching baking shows on netflix: omg they are all so talented! how will they ever pick a winner?? 23rd hour: i don't care how good her fondant is, if deborah doesn't add more buttercream to that base mixture her consistency will be off and her cake pops are gonna be shit.

i would like a mildly criminal version of GPS which is like "would you like to make an illegal u-turn here and save 15 minutes on your trip?" and when you're like "no, thanks" it's all "okay nerd."

Keep a bunch of "get well" cards on your mantle or bookshelf so if someone comes over unexpectedly, it looks like you've been too sick to clean. Follow me for more housekeeping tips.

How dare you call me mentally unstable on THIS the day of my cat's wedding??

anyone wanna go back to work for me tomorrow and also for the next 30 years?

i hope yule daddy brings me everything i asked for this year i've been a super good girl 🎅

damn between jake paul and andrew tate i might like boxing now

I know I'm getting old because my knees creak when I get up from a chair, my lower back hurts all the time, and satan appears with an empty hourglass every time I open the liquor cabinet.

no one needs to go back 5 years in my socials to ban me from the united states. the last few hours should do it.

I thought you guys might like to know the goddess Ishtar threatened the existence of humans with the undead which would "outnumber and devour the living" because Gilgamesh refused her advances. Thanks, Gilgamesh. I finally land a good job and you bring a stupid zombie apocalypse to ruin my life.

them: "iMmIgRaNtS aRe StEaLiNg OuR jObS!!" Ah yes, Rahkim, the neurosurgeon, is stealing your job at the local hardware store, you fucken hopeless dipshit.

them: trump is creating so many jobs jobs jobs!! what an amazing president!! yeah, great. you need three of them to survive you fucken addlepated imbecile.

my body has decided it's gonna go full dysfunctional so i still have a period (sorry boys) but i'm having hot flashes, fatigue, swelling, grumpiness, cortisol belly, disrupted sleep... i'm like "MAKE UP YOUR MIND UTERUS AM I MAKIN BABIES OR AM I KNITTING FESTIVE SCARVES YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS."

I was honored today to be mentioned in our regional meeting with around 200 people from all over southern Australia (Victoria, South Australia, and Tasmania)! My boss gave a lovely speech thanking me for 5 years of service and speaking about how he was proud to have me on the team. It was so nice.

always a good plan. that said, congrats on registering on their radar: being vaguely marketable is scant praise, i know, but any port in a storm. keep writing!

god damn it

guys oh my gosh i just received this email today and i have no idea what to do with it!! any advice is appreciated 💯

i had to re-pierce my nostril with the blunt end of a stud and i've time-travelled back to my 20s when pain was fun.

i can't imagine a more profound example of late-stage capitalism than a giant peanut in a top hat and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat

hanging in there! after 5 days, i am currently $3.74 down from an initial $50 investment in 5 different stocks, but one of my gainers has spotted me around $.50 and a few others are climbing slowly. this is fun, you guys, i wish i would have done it sooner!

welp i lost a few dollars over a few days, but the trend is slowly climbing back up. we will see how i go, but i am optimistic after researching some crypto advice websites. i mean if i lose $50 it's not the end of the world and honestly i think i just like looking at charts and graphs 〽️lol

i heard mamdani is gonna force kids to learn arabic numerals in school what a scary time to be alive y'all stay safe

sam brought me some stickers, guys. look how cute.

the cryptocurrency beginner's advice sites seem to have a disclaimer which looks like "CRYPTO IS VERY RISKY & WITH THIS GAMBLE YOU WILL DIE OR BE DISMEMBERED IF YOU INVEST IN CRYPTO FAIR WARNING DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOU PEASANT WHO DOESN'T HAVE $50k I HATE EVERYONE" I took that as a good omen.

"bull" and "bear" terms are used to indicate the trend of the chart. they are named after these animals b/c of how they attack. a bull thrusts its horns up while a bear swipes its paws down. so, these animals are metaphors for the movement of a market: trend is up, bull. trend is down, bear. cool!

have you guys seen the news? there's a huge corvid 19 scare where ravens and caraways are expected to shit all over your car for the next 6 months. no vaccination available at this time. y'all stay safe.

i put my pants on the same way you do by standing still for hundreds of years while moss and ivy envelop my legs. yes, these are my pants.

the bonus you receive in a pay period is directly proportional to the amount of bullshit bills you have to pay for your cat's bloodwork and 6 months of car registration. no exceptions. i don't make the rules.

Just in case.

silence in the midst of injustice is complicity. not profundity. not intellectualism. not radicalization. not remarkability. just the bare and honest truth. don't sit by and watch your neighbors suffer discrimination because you were busy ignoring it. #FuckICE

welp after 3 glasses of wine i've decided i'm gonna take a shower so if i'm not back in 30 minutes i fell and broke a hip y'all stay woke

r.i.p pavlov you would have loved notifications

this is my favorite meme of all time

named the spider in my bedroom cotton eyed joe where did you come from where did you go