Guys look at this beautiful ring Sam bought me on our cruise!! I'm just beside myself. It's so pretty.

do you guys like my new glasses? i'm getting used to the multi focals 💛

I feel like people who are "uncomfortable" with trans people using their sacred bathrooms, should have their own bathrooms. Outside. Portable. Shit in a hole. Cleaned every 6 weeks. It wasn't okay for black and brown people to be segregated and it's not okay now with our beloved trans men and women.

My new luggage came in! I'm getting really excited now, guys! 🥰🥰🥰

it's getting there!! 🦌

rip to my stalker who hacked into my webcam and died of boredom

A little more progress! 🎨

i always drive the speed limit when i play racing games. i never win, but i have hundreds of virtual pedestrian fans and countless moral victories.

My painting is coming along 🎨

julian casablancas sings in cursive and i can't explain it but i will take it to the grave

voicemail: "hi mom it's me the light of your life calling for the 3rd time today to tell you about the delicious french toast with the good maple syrup i made for sam and myself for breakfast please respond asap i love you so much"

i got a super fancy new oil space heater, guys, and I'm way excited about it. here you go. I'll let you know when I get a lamborghini next time 😂😂😂

"i pray the lord my soul to keep..." the lord: this one's going to the thrift store

imagine being elise and ludwig sending you a text like "good morning pretty girl. i have a surprise for you..."

ptolemy just farted herself awake and then meowed her own butt. this is why we have animals, guys.

my new handbag came in and it matches my wallet perfectly. I love love love it 🩷💛🩷💛

scientist #1: i think we should call this spider "long legs" because of its long legs... scientist #2: hmm not kinky enough

Our hotel in Sydney looks really nice!! I am getting excited!!

Hey what about sending all those alpha dickhead ICE agents to Iran? They already have the guns and vests and ego and apathy and training, so now all they need to do is get killed in a warzone to be true American heroes. They are so close to getting a museum named after them...

Welcoming Immigrants and Their Children Here

I misspoke when I announced receiving Trevor's ashes and the whole caboodle. The little vile is his FUR not his ashes! I wasn't in good light, and it just looked dark, so I assumed it was, like, a tiny bit to spread somewhere if we wanted. But no. It is his gorgeous kitten fluff. Gods, I miss him.

Isn't "kid rock" the new name for epstein island?

i picked up trevor's ashes yesterday. it was bitter-sweet. they included with the urn, a small vial of ashes, a lovely sympathy card from the crematorium, a gold name plate, and a card with his tiny kitten paw print. i'm so glad I got it done. worth every penny.

i just had a call from the vet and trevor's ashes are ready to be picked up. i'm looking forward to bringing him home.

It is with a heavy heart & immeasurable sadness that I share that I had to say goodbye to my cat, Trevor, today. Guys he was extraordinary. I took him for an urgent visit to the vet, but she said he had only a few days at most, and it would be thousands to even test him. I am devastated.

Today, while I was washing my hands, I sneezed and smacked my head on the faucet. I now have a giant goose egg on my forehead that I think is going to hatch at any time, but that may just be the brain damage talking.

me: okay honey I'm gonna go see ramalakshmi. see you in a bit! sam: is that why you put makeup on? me: yes. I want to look pretty. sam: are you and ramalakshmi doing the horizontal hallelujah? me: lmao no but I am definitely calling it that now.

Did you hear about the French guy who used dynamite to remodel his kitchen? It was Linoleum Blownapart 🤣🤣🤣 Sorry please help me. I can't unfollow myself.

I think we should all consider this.

Casually having a chat with Sam and for some reason, (obviously wine) I mentioned the raphe, which is the scrotal line which divides the testicles, but I called it the "ball stitch" and, well, let's just say he immediately searched me for a surgical scalpel and asked me to leave the man cave.

heads up, guys!

What's the scariest religion? BOO-dhism hahahaha! Just kidding. It's all of them.

i feel like if zombies ate my brain, they would be in a psychedelic coma for like at least 4 days

I've quit drinking for good!! 😇 Now I'm only drinking for evil 😈🥂

accidentally opened my eyes during prayer at church and saw jesus doing the worm

first hour of watching baking shows on netflix: omg they are all so talented! how will they ever pick a winner?? 23rd hour: i don't care how good her fondant is, if deborah doesn't add more buttercream to that base mixture her consistency will be off and her cake pops are gonna be shit.

i would like a mildly criminal version of GPS which is like "would you like to make an illegal u-turn here and save 15 minutes on your trip?" and when you're like "no, thanks" it's all "okay nerd."

Keep a bunch of "get well" cards on your mantle or bookshelf so if someone comes over unexpectedly, it looks like you've been too sick to clean. Follow me for more housekeeping tips.

How dare you call me mentally unstable on THIS the day of my cat's wedding??

anyone wanna go back to work for me tomorrow and also for the next 30 years?

i hope yule daddy brings me everything i asked for this year i've been a super good girl 🎅

damn between jake paul and andrew tate i might like boxing now

I know I'm getting old because my knees creak when I get up from a chair, my lower back hurts all the time, and satan appears with an empty hourglass every time I open the liquor cabinet.

no one needs to go back 5 years in my socials to ban me from the united states. the last few hours should do it.

I thought you guys might like to know the goddess Ishtar threatened the existence of humans with the undead which would "outnumber and devour the living" because Gilgamesh refused her advances. Thanks, Gilgamesh. I finally land a good job and you bring a stupid zombie apocalypse to ruin my life.

them: "iMmIgRaNtS aRe StEaLiNg OuR jObS!!" Ah yes, Rahkim, the neurosurgeon, is stealing your job at the local hardware store, you fucken hopeless dipshit.

them: trump is creating so many jobs jobs jobs!! what an amazing president!! yeah, great. you need three of them to survive you fucken addlepated imbecile.

my body has decided it's gonna go full dysfunctional so i still have a period (sorry boys) but i'm having hot flashes, fatigue, swelling, grumpiness, cortisol belly, disrupted sleep... i'm like "MAKE UP YOUR MIND UTERUS AM I MAKIN BABIES OR AM I KNITTING FESTIVE SCARVES YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS."