I just really don't want the President's insatiable desire to shutter the workplace where I've spent the last nine years to affect my breezy, pre-summer vibe.

I worried what would happen to my town when they closed The Old Spaghetti Factory, but everything turned around when they opened The New Spaghetti Factory.

My dream is to get on Jeopardy, give an answer that forces Ken to ask me, “Can you be more specific?” then scream “YOU BET I CAN!” at the top of my lungs as my time expires and I lose the money.

I'm hard-pressed to think of a YouTube video title that would get me to click a link harder or faster than "Dad reacts to Sopranos ending"

Sometimes when I change my son’s diaper he locks eyes with me and slaps his penis as hard as he can while cackling, leaving me no choice but to acknowledge his status as the man of the house.

damn the Catholics are goin OFF today

So “activating” your “vocal stim” is just quoting a clip you like? NOT EVERY WHEEL NEEDS TO BE REINVENTED

Anybody down to chat on AIM later?

If Hemingway were alive today it’d be “Amazon return: baby shoes, never worn.”

The only ICE I want at the airport are the cubes floating in my Dunkalatte!

It's that time again For @shaundiston.bsky.social and I to do two person improv And for you to buy a ticket to see it live at UCB LA Or to watch the livestream And if you're a UCB student, it's FREE 3/25 7:00pm JOIN US, WON'T YOU

You, Me, Dupree and Tuscany

I’m just tryina bring about the Butlerian jihad death to AI my brothers let the holy war begin

This is so fucking lame. Every other competing country is having a non-stop baseball party, while team USA is joylessly listening to a weirdo tell the story of that time he killed a guy.

Betting big money that the Oscars will once again be swept by the hit 2001 comedy Rat Race (the TBS broadcast cut)

Tuned into the stadium feed of the Spurs game just in time to see The Coyote wheel out a t-shirt cannon and make the sign of the cross before opening fire. Adding him to my spreadsheet of mascots that are practicing Catholics.

Your government blew up an elementary school and lied right to your face about it and your taxes are due next month.

My one-year-old son walked up to me, smiling, his hand closed in a fist. “What have you got there?” I asked, and he laughed as he dropped a live spider in my open palm.

There are few more appropriate ways to commemorate America's 250th anniversary than by starting a new forever war in the Middle East.

I think it’s all of our civic duty to leave this weekend at least as informed about Iran as we are about Shia LaBeouf’s Mardi Gras experience.

These two fucks have a show tomorrow night and there's nothing you can do but ATTEND live and live-streamed get tickets here: ucbcomedy.com/show/double-...

HOT SHOW THIS WEEK get tickets for Devin & Diston 2/25 7:00pm @ UCB ucbcomedy.com/show/double-...

Many are saying this may be the most Californian person to ever exist:

I can’t watch The Olympics anymore. If I wanted a bunch of 17 year olds to make me feel bad about myself, I’d go to the mall.

when the bagel place gives me the wrong kind of bagel but I don’t realize it until I get home so now I have to decide if I want to eat the bagel I won’t really like or go back to the bagel place and make a little scene

Democrats are currently texting me like “I have DEPRESSION because of THE BAD STUFF which is why I’m SITTING DOWN and the only cure is YOUR MONEY.”

On our flight yesterday we sat behind a 4 year old boy who asked us if we spoke Chinese, told us we MUST go to Singapore, then spent the next four hours farting almost constantly.

Books are so fucking good, man. Huge shoutout to everyone who’s writing ‘em.

Wayne and Garth would have had a damn field day with this one:

Hey @stephenking.bsky.social does it ever piss you off that you spend months - sometimes years - crafting gripping narratives filled with complex characters and rich ideas only to have me read them in like two days?

I always knew this would end in disappointment.

Happy to announce that you can see me in a promo for a teaser for a first look at a web exclusive preview of a behind the scenes sizzle reel of an upcoming Super Bowl ad!! (non-union, unpaid)

If you’re a famous white actor and you get the call to do a voice in Ken Burns’s American Revolution, you’re PRAYING it’s for one of the colonists who thought slavery was bad. Tom Hanks doesn’t wanna be in a VO booth saying “Liberty is a sacred right - except, of course, in the case of the African…”

Searching the Epstein files database for the phrase “buried treasure” 🤞

One of the best things about the protest I went to was all the cool teens there. Little punks with skateboards wearing huge pants and homemade “FUCK ICE” t-shirts. I asked them “Hey chat, is Trump unc?” and they beat my ass.

Is it fun to promote a show right now? NO! But do I feel more grateful than ever for the communal experience of shared laughter that only live comedy can provide? YES! Shaun Diston and I start our new two-prov show tomorrow, 1/28 at 7:00pm @ UCB LA with Cook County Social Club. Live & Livestreamed!

It’s too bad Antifa is not the coordinated organization they claim it is because I remain ready to join.

Hey I know I look like a narc but I swear I really wanna know: where’s the protest tomorrow LA? DM me. Fuck ICE.

ME (WET HAIR, LOUD SUIT, LOUDER VOICE): Have YOU been SNUBBED by the MOTION PICTURE ACADEMY?! I will GET YOU PAID!

Gmail has this awesome new feature where it automatically writes me summaries of my emails that are completely incorrect and then suggests I reply to said emails with the stupidest sentences I've ever read!

It’s scary to think about the quality of history education in American schools. Do kids today even know to whistle while they work, Hitler is a jerk, Mussolini pulled his weenie now it doesn’t work?

When mom says no dessert until you finish your veggies

watched a TikTok comp captioned “30 Rock is so unserious” YEAH THAT’S THE POINT

Can’t explain it, but just cracked up at the idea that Romeo and Juliet are Italian.

OK, enough fucking around: time to start my Christmas shopping.

I’d bet good money that a big part of Trump’s decision to start a new forever war in Venezuela was that Maduro kinda looks like Saddam Hussein and he got confused.

You think I’m happy that the guy from Shark Tank is good at acting? You think I’m glad that a right wing money ghoul turns in one of the better supporting performances of the year? No, but cinema isn’t fair. That’s why Jared Leto has an Oscar.

If they’d let me decide who survived the Stranger Things finale:

In the end, it was about the Things we made Stranger along the way.

Not sure why I’m not hearing more about how good The Testament of Ann Lee is - guess I’m one of the few allies willing to speak up for women in film 😏