So how was everyone's weekend? 🙂

Excited to see how my coworkers react to all my new cosmetic surgery!

Seeing a lot of fucking losers online roasting Claire Danes for… what, exactly? Acting her damn ass of? Carrying an entire series with her commitment and emotional authenticity? Locking down another Emmy nomination? Fuck off.

home alone with my son for the first time this weekend

I just think Cleto was quietly one of the coolest band leaders in late night and I will really miss seeing him every day.

honey tonight let’s

I’ve never done cocaine, does it feel at all like reading the last 40 pages of a book?

Some of you commies don’t get it, but failing to meet the moment is actually the smartest thing you can do.

Anyone else get one of these this morning??

Look, it’s tempting to get your shots in now that he’s gone, but let’s be human for a moment, put politics and our own preconceived notions aside and see Dick Cheney for who he really was: the devil.

2 IS THE MAGIC NUMBER IS BACK 11/19 7:00pm @ UCB hosted by yours truly and Shaun Diston featuring two certified legends, Jacob Wysocki and Kurt Maloney live and live-streamed why not get your ticket now???? could be tight LINK: ucbcomedy.com/show/2-is-th...

Gonna wear my Mariners hat around LA today like a huge fucking loser.

“I was watching the baseball game” Interesting. I was contemplating solutions to the great global challenges of the 21st century. But your game sounds nice too 🤷‍♂️

Sure, baseball is exciting, but is it any match for the quiet drama of a perfectly crafted haiku?

In A House of Dynamite, Kathryn Bigelow asks us the question, "What would we do if the unthinkable happened? No, seriously, I'm asking, what would we do?"

if only there was an entire genre of music that could help me cope with this

RFK leave my family the fuck alone challenge

me in LA this week

Jennifer Garner in a credit card commercial: “You may know me from my other job…” not really, I mostly know you from this now.

2 IS THE MAGIC NUMBER TONIGHT Free for UCB Students Live and Live-Streamed 7:00pm feat. Lauren Holt & Kale Hills c'mon now TICKETS: ucbcomedy.com/show/2-is-th...

Always funny when conservatives slam leftists by saying they “hate America.” Yeah, I’m allowed to, I’m from here!

TWO IS THE MAGIC NUMBER it's next week and it's gonna be hot 10/15 7:00pm Live at UCB and livestreamed everywhere! ucbcomedy.com/show/2-is-th...

Detroit blasting Nirvana to hype the crowd up to root against SEATTLE? To speak plainly: eat shit.

let’s go Ms

No real insight on the day's events, just wanted to say that I think Pam Bondi looks like actress Collette Wolfe of the Hot Tub Time Machine franchise.

I love television and I love Jimmy Kimmel Live

Are any of the dozens of media outlets that reported that Jimmy had been fired and the show had been canceled going to bother to correct that or will they simply continue to suck shit?

Good news: they’ve restored my constitutional right to be a dipshit on national television!

Someone needs to fix this before I write a Long, Sincere Post. Nobody wants to read that shit!!!

don’t really wanna live in this country anymore tbh

PRETTY COOL SHOW TOMORROW LIVE AND LIVE STREAMED

Veterinary physician, heel thyself.

The Summer I Turned Against My Capitalist Oppressors

Terrible sketch idea: a bigoted dessert enthusiast trying to enjoy The Great British Baking Show, but the beautifully diverse cast keeps getting in the way.

Since becoming a dad, every weekend has felt like this:

I hope that, before we make contact with aliens, we are replaced by bugs as Earth’s dominant species. I think leading with bugs would be our planet putting its best foot forward.

Flew across country with the baby. It was my first time sitting on a plane wearing pants wet with SOMEONE ELSE’S piss!

Does anyone know where I could find information about the inner-workings of a television show called Saturday Night Live? Not sure anyone's ever broken down what a typical week looks like over there.

Can't wait for someone to get fired for pushing the slogan, "I want MS now!"

My only beef with Gen Z is them popularizing the act of covering your mouth when you laugh. Every joke you hear really leaves you gobsmacked? God forbid we let our friends see us experience joy!

Yeah, I like A24: A 24-hour Monk marathon on TBS!

my lawyer: Devin’s will outlines a simple memorial service, but he did specify that his casket should be wrapped in decals of “only the choicest anime babes”…? my son: how much to dump him in the ground?

HOT SHOW THIS TUESDAY get tix: ucbcomedy.com/show/2-is-th...

I believe Andrew Cuomo has been dead since the primary (choked on ziti) and his campaign is now just a series of social media posts made by three deranged interns who believe that if he wins they can run the city from underneath a shared trench coat.

TUESDAY TUESDAY TUESDAY live and live-streamed ucbcomedy.com/show/2-is-th...

Everyone at the Korean spa really digs it when I stand naked in the middle of the steam room and try out some new jokes I’ve been working on.

I was in the meeting when we decided that A$AP Rocky is in movies now.

I cover my child’s face with emojis when I post him because I don’t want strangers to recognize him as the kid whose dad is a huge fucking loser.

It’s officially Bluesky After Dark™️. Who here has committed a sin of the flesh and have you made peace with your God?