My Wife: Do you want to try something a little different? Me:

Come at me bro

Why’s that Frankenstein so sexy though?

Why do my guts sound like a velociraptor?

This is my favorite glory hole in October

Oh yeah?! Well what if I Gregorian chant about it?!

Crazy day at the beach; My son found a still working lighter in the surf, Some very energetic women stopped on the beach to take pic for us, we bumped into those women in the next town down the coast, one was trying to light a cigarette, my son pulled the lighter out to help, it was her lighter.

My wife made me a tomato snack

Robert Redford was the Paul Newman of Keanu Reeves RIP

I miss the simpler times, when we all just piled on kanye

I don’t believe him

Me, trying to be funny as the plane crashes: and what is up with airline food?

I now remember why I don’t eat chipotle anymore

Gone too late apnews.com/article/jame... James Dobson, Focus on the Family founder and key leader on the Christian right, dies at 89

Hey gardeners, why so many zucchini?

This girl

Me, living like a caveman:….and that’s the diet I eat, just like cavemen did My guest: that still doesn’t explain these dildos carved from stone

*Forces my cat to drop a chipmunk* extreme Gandalf voice: RUN YOU FOOL! *Chipmunk sits there pretending to be invisible*

An MLM scheme but it’s just me getting my back scratched without having to return the favor

Trader Joe’s founders real name is Tradermelius Josephelston

How did I simultaneously know and not know that slapping was a televised sport? www.tiktok.com/t/ZT6hYc7LQ/

Now Hulk Hogan? The universe is fucking with us, just do it already

*see something, say something* Me: Officer, I was looking in a mirror and saw this Thicc Ass!

Three in a row

Fuckin’ Amish porn star

I did a standby for a free “community pancake feed” (cult event). The sermon to this mostly black group, was about how god feels about sinners. A game was started where the kids were grouped as good/bad, where the good were the white and bad were the black. This pastor just about didn’t make it out.

Dune: Bubba Ho-Tep

I’m weirded out, my nickname for my penis is Labubu

*Gets leg bit off by a shark, Me: point me to the closest scale

Me raising my hand at the first civil war meeting: when do we get the cute green outfits?

Sitting here wondering what it would be like to excrete like a slug

Up all night wishing I was in a sleeper cell

Vulture love

Beginning to think, my scout masters assertion that the best way to fight hypothermia is to undress and climb into a sleeping bag with another person, was a ploy

That was not a lie to get you naked, that was a truth that got you naked

I’ve got a structured settlement, but I don’t need cash right now. What am I supposed to do with that?

A bartender walks into a bar because he’s a bartender and that’s how they get to work

Just landed in New York, fighting the male urge to say “get a rope”

I started buying Costco jeans about 15 years ago, I stopped when a girl much younger than me asked “why do you wear old man jeans” and my wife agreed

Extreme Sean Connery voice: Schkeet

I’m tired of the term skid mark, so, hear me out

Youth pastor: You know who else had fuckeable hands?

Me to the head Cavity Creep: when you’re done putting holes in those teeth, I’ve got some holes to show you

Walking into the birthday party with a black cake that says “good run”

The pupal stage, sometimes called a Cardinal, will soon weave a cocoon and gestate until it emerges as a full grown Pope. Popes are known for their voracious appetites and penchant for human flesh, but for now this killer will sleep.

Holy shit you guys

I only watched Sesame Street so I could see the inside of Oscar The Grouch’s house

White smoke from the Vatican before a popes been chosen, call that premature papal conclave

Quick, somebody remake V for Vendetta!

When I human