I am a well-modulated adult with complex & intense emotions. I can be upset & still see my brother because I know his intentions were good. I can work through this discomfort without exploding. This is what all that inner work was for. I will not destroy simply for the sake of blowing shit up.

guy on dating app's first message to me: "I'm looking for a good girl to throw around; what's your favorite bedroom song?" me: "the sound of a man crying" I don't think I have what it takes to deal with people anymore

would anyone really want to listen to a podcast about a woman talking about the sexual shenanigans she experienced as a young groupie/scenester in the mid 90s NYHC / emo scene?

good morning, for breakfast/lunch (I refuse to call it "brunch") today I am preparing a pan seared ribeye mid rare & two over easy eggs to celebrate my mother on what would have been her birthday. I love you, mom. I miss you. I know you're with me.

How i know the RSO is hitting: the drums from .38 special's "so caught up in you" entrance me

Should I eat a handful of psilocybin capsules for my dead mother's birthday tomorrow? Only accepting "yes" answers so respond accordingly

ugh, my entire bsky account is a rough draft of what would happen if I did standup comedy minus the booing, drinks thrown at me & dudes telling me to show my tits

friend last night at the bar: "so did you put together a bucket list of all that you want to do now that you're turning [old]?" me, laughing bc I just put my phone down from sending a sext: "yes but I can't share that list of names with you in public" her, guffawing: "get it, girl"

if you tell a man you've known for over a decade "I wrote a bucket list & you're on it" that dude is going to be very flattered & probably try to make out with you at a future date, maybe in a different city than where both of you live. if that's not a reason to get older, I don't know what is.

I was pretty stoned last night while watching CSI: Miami & I thought "why aren't cops' DNA in the system as a standard since they're the biggest criminals of all" & honestly if LEO is allowed to enjoy the perks of not being a civilian, they should also reap the rewards of being a convict

whenever I walk back into my apartment & Van Halen's "hot for teacher" plays I get really excited; that drum intro is so good

I diminished myself for a long time to fit into someone else's narrative & now I'm back to full bluster. You can't keep a good bitch down unless she wants to stay there.

I can never look at a panda bear again without giggling so I'm doing something right

I don't know if I'm ready for monogamy or anything but sexting two dudes at the actual same time separately feels disingenuous

I need to find a real hot freak for Monday 11:59pm

I think it's OK to shoot a sexy Santa on sight

you ever wonder what happened to the guys from Carter USM? I do

The edibles might be finally hitting because I'm sexting some young dude pretending to be his professor threatening to fail him so now he has to watch MULHOLLAND DRIVE & write me an essay.

If his liver still functions, I would marry Paul Westerberg immediately

Idlewild's "in remote part/scottish fiction" hits a very specific nerve that twangs the pain from a long forgotten era & it makes me long for the intensity of those feelings again

it's really weird to google your dead grandfather, find articles about how revered of an artist & photographer he was but know that he was also the biggest narcissistic asshole who destroyed his family but none of that is public knowledge

I've graduated to Archers of Loaf's "Plumb Line" so the fever has broken & the metal pig is in the rear view mirror

I moved plans around for an interview today & the interview was postponed so I'm not going to Oxnard tonight for my friend's birthday party which is a bummer but that's OK; I will celebrate her another time & bring her a non peanut infused gift since she's allergic.

it's 2025; if you are a vegan bakery in Los Angeles, I beg of you to have at least a functional website instead of directing all online traffic to IG so customers can actually order shit online or see an actual menu.

anyway, in "duh" territory, I have a ton of leftover chicken adobo with braised carrots & potatoes so I'm going to dice everything up, turn that shit into hash & gently place three over easy eggs on top & call myself a culinary genius or at the very least resourceful & clever (read: genius)

I just looked in the mirror & said "you're gonna have a great weekend being celebrated, you dumb bitch" & laughed so I think this year has been super crucial to my recovery & healing. THIS is gratitude.

the next several days are going to be fun filled, celebratory & stressful but it's gonna be OK; it's better than being dead

Whoever does the music for THE CHAIR COMPANY needs an Emmy

I have SO much to be grateful for as I edge closer to OLD LADY status, mostly because I shouldn't be alive. That's what I needed to find - gratitude. Now that I have, everything feels like a goddamn gift. This is the lesson I needed to learn.

really enjoying the drums in free's "all right now" which means I've become a funky dad

I'm going to attempt to read WIDE SARGASSO SEA for the 2nd time in my life because it's only fair to give a voice to Bertha Mason & listen to her perspective. Lest you think I'm "too much," please note that I wrote about Jayne Eyre being the ego, Bertha being Id & Mr Rochester being the superego.

for my mother's birthday next week I am going to make a big ribeye in her honor, and perhaps I'll do some oxtail stew for me. if you're gonna celebrate, do it with big ticket beef.

I am really excited to make some latkes next week AND I have applesauce & sour cream ready to accompany so you know I'm not fucking around

I'm clearly emerging into my phoenix era or some shit, assuming phoenixes sleep in until 12pm on Thursdays

oh man, I'm listening to TITR's "a jack with one eye" & every time GK sings "your place is still at the heart of my everything" I have to think about that copper song that uses the same lyric & I want to melt into a ball of emo wax & shame

Lol at me for trying to flake on my own birthday plans in advance in my head; what the fuck is wrong with me?

For decades I could not listen to "Stars" by Hum because it made me think of a man with whom I share a matching tattoo but he's a fucking Trumper in 2025 so fuck him; he cried because we lived too far away so he married his ex girlfriend & is a bloated booze bag now & it's a great song

Men, please stop lying about your age on dating apps bc we can tell because you look like shit

My vision board for 2026 includes fucking an ice hockey player, preferably one missing teeth & with a monobrow he will let me tweeze

The connection between REO SPEEDWAGON & SENSE FIELD is too close for comfort but i live in chaos

late last night, I found myself googling "was snoop Dogg on THE L WORD" so that's where I'm at in terms of pop culture; that is to say, entirely NOT up to date or current

yeah I just looked at my nipple to determine what would be the best natural lip color for me; I do not recommend doing this in public

To the next person who asks if I'm really my age on a dating app I'm going to respond that I'm actually 67 but use a lot of pearl cream. Fucking Christ let a bitch age

I can't believe i had a crush on Marty McInnis but actually yeah I can

I find the drums on "baba o'riley" intoxicating & soothing

I had to stop watching CSI when I realized that Gil Grissom was making me way too horny for my own good. What that says about me, I'll need to unpack with years of therapy.

I don't know who needs to hear this but Alfredo sauce is disgusting

tomorrow I plan on speaking in nothing but ACDC lyrics so you should probably avoid me for 24 hours it's a long way to the top if you wanna rock & roll

I wrote my first poem in decades. Presented without comment, below, a reclamation of myself:

I finally broke from the loop I was trapped in & all it took was realizing WHY; it was as simple as realizing I did not want to let go parts of myself that I saw represented in him despite knowing I was growing beyond that container/identity. it's why he felt like "home" - old habits die hard.