Apologies for being a bit gross, but I can't help wondering how many snot rockets ICE Agents unknowingly eat every day? I mean, at the places that will still even serve them.

Hey ChatGPT, how many Republican congresswomen have called Trump out for calling a reporter Piggy?

Well, that checks a box.

If the MAGA base is satisfied with this bullshit move, they're even more stupid than I thought. Like, centuries and centuries ago stupid. But they will get to enjoy discovering fire.

Dear Megyn Kelly, I understand you're confused about what constitutes pedophilia. Not that it surprises me, you seem to be confused by a lot of things most people aren't. But until you figure it out, please don't tell men (stupid enough) to listen to you it's okay to have sex with girls under 18.

Sometimes I wonder if Donald Trump lies in bed at night wishing he’d never met Jeffrey Epstein and molested and raped all those underaged girls. Then I remind myself who Donald Trump is and the answer is no, he doesn’t. Then I wish I could have those 5 seconds of wondering back.

I want a reporter to ask J.D. Vance, Marco Rubio, Mike Johnson and Lindsey Graham, among others, what they think of pedophiles, and get their exact response on record. Then we can compare it to what they say after Trump is finally exposed.

Me and a few thousand friends in Dallas yesterday. 100% peaceful, as it was everywhere. A very nice lady asked if she could take a picture of my shirt. She then told me I looked like Robert Plant. I thanked the nice lady profusely, then wished her luck on her upcoming cataract surgery.

Wrong, you soulless fuck. Kids are who Trump had sex with. These were adults making these comments. But I understand why you would come to their defense.

When I think back to all the years in junior and senior high, showering after PE class, I only now realize how prolific autism must have been.

Wait until all the MAGATs upset about Bad Bunny performing at halftime see all those D.E.I. hires playing on the field.

Somewhere George Carlin and Lenny Bruce are watching wondering what the fuck happened to comedy. But congratulations on your Soulless Fuck Tour.

I understand the colleges that sign will get 100 pallets of A1 every month.

I'm back after being hacked and subsequently suspended for weeks. But everything's jake now, thank the baby Jesus. What have I missed?

It appears I've been hacked. Don't open any DMs from me.

Okay, what's up with all the DMs I'm suddenly getting from everybody on Bluesky, telling me I'm one of the "lucky few" who've been chosen? I wasn't going to to completely prevent getting private messages, but I think this just changed my mind.

And the conversation will go a little something like this.. Trump: Did you do this? Putin: Nyet. Trump: (PAUSE) I’ve been using Ozempic.

No one's seeing the upside of this whole Ghislaine Maxwell fiasco. Now that pedophiles and sex traffickers are just considered "minimum security" offenses, that'll free up thousands of prison cells for all the farm, factory, construction and domestic workers ICE is rounding up. We'll save billions!

Wow! Pick lettuce, clean hotels or work in chicken plants and you'll be put in a prison to die under inhumane conditions. But secure and groom children to have sex with powerful men and women, like yourself, and you'll get a comfy stretch in Club Fed. I guess it's all who you know.

Gee willikers! Trump says he’s lowering my prescription costs by 150%! So not only will I be saving money, I’ll be getting enough back to lease that BMW 7 Series I’ve had my eye on. If I were you I’d be making a beeline to my GP with a list of pains and illnesses that might need big pharma’s help.

He was a horrible wrestler. But he made up for it by being an incredible POS.

Lisa Murkowski says she feels "cheated" after Trump removed tax credits she asked to include in the budget bill: "I feel like we made a deal and then hours later, a deal was made to somebody else."

Lisa Murkowski says she feels "cheated" after Trump removed tax credits she asked to include in the budget bill: "I feel like we made a deal and then hours later, a deal was made to somebody else."

In a move some are calling nakedly ambitious, both Marco Rubio and J.D Vance are now insisting they, too, were multiple guests on the Lolita Express. Read This: "Trump Boasts Epstein Drama Has Only Made Him More Popular" www.thedailybeast.com//donald-trum...

In a move some are calling nakedly ambitious, both Marco Rubio and J.D Vance are now insisting they, too, were multiple guests on the Lolita Express. Read This: "Trump Boasts Epstein Drama Has Only Made Him More Popular" www.thedailybeast.com//donald-trum...

I was just reading about the Senate vote next week to rescind funding for PBS and NPR. I read Sen. Lisa Murkowski is against it. Sorry, Elmo.

If there's a silver lining in this, and it would be thinner than Donald Trump's skin, it's that no one is ever going to let Lisa Murkowski forget that if it weren't for her, the bill would not have passed. In fact, it should be repeated every time her name is mentioned, like an award no one wants.

Tell me Trump is on Epstein’s client list without telling me Trump is on Epstein’s client list.

Sen. Lisa Murkowski after today’s vote.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a modern miracle. Sen. Lisa Murkowski just out-Susan Collinsed Sen. Susan Collins.

How long before they start selling tickets? How long before the Trump family figures out they can make millions by letting the richest donors get front row tickets? You think I'm kidding? We've always considered slavery to be the darkest chapter in this country. MAGA says, "Hold my beer."

I don't want to hear one more person talk about what a courageous maverick Lisa Murkowski is. She's a coward who only roars when there's no cost.

I hope Jeff and Lauren are enjoying the wedding we all paid for.

If there’s a God in heaven, he picks up something a vaccine he killed would have saved him, that privileged ass.