"I spoke with ... Mitch McConnell for about ... Twent minutes ... tonight ... we ... oh my ..." -Lindsey Graham

Weird how they manage to get all the fiddly calls right when the right fiddly calls are good for Argentina.

Who the fuck is Ryan Grim? Who the fuck are any of these fucking people and why do they get to be everyone's problem?

I was going to make upsomething stupid for the New York Times headline, but this is the real one they used for the commander in chief literally saying the ceasefire is over.

"I am not left-handed!" -Argentina

This dude sums up the USA. Getting your ass kicked right now and chest thumping because, I don't know, you won a war 80 years ago or whatever.

They sure can pick 'em up in Maine. Though I feel like there's a story to be written about how the nationalization of swing congressional races fucks up national, state, and local politics.

Watching the ants in my kitchen react when I put fresh borax down and realizing I'm an incrutably cruel god to them.

Brazil would probably be doing better if they stopped missing. And if Norway didn't have a dinosaur on their team.

Is it some kind of special soccer hat trick if you get a goal and assist and block a hard shot with you junk in the same game?

Quote from priestly fraternity excommunicated: "What are you gonna do? Excommunicate us?"

At the risk of curdling a great story, think how much fun shit like this billionaires could do if they weren't busy using their money to make us all into slaves to the Machine God.

We used to call it breaking the truce if you bombed the other side, but then the woke took over.

Can we please change the trending topic to Mel Brooks' Birthday (He's okay!) or something so nobody else gets a jump scare on the Discover tab?

Excellent online quiz. No notes. britmonkey.com/2020s-politi...

Nice kick!

"15. This ceasefire shall only be effective while the U.S. stock market is open."

What the hell would happen in 2 Grinch 2 Christmas? He goes back in time to stop himself from growing up mean only to discover that he would become a worse monster because every individual is the sum of their experiences? Actually, you can have that one for ten grand, Hollywood.

It's starting to feel like this president may just be kind of dumb.

Good thing I only recognize one Roku.

Seems like the Spurs shouldn't have let the Knicks score so many points at the end there.

I want to say it would be funny if the Knicks lost 4 straight after Fuckface showed up. But he hates the people of NYC so much that he would probably enjoy it.

Maine just doesn't feel comfortable without a complete piece of shit in that Senate seat, I guess.

Sure looks like Platner sucks and lots of people from out of state saying he sucks is helping him win in Maine.

If the restaurant men's room doesn't have a changing table, it should be legal to use any unoccupied table in the main dining area.

This supposed Iran peace deal is mildly more plausible because they let the news get out when it's harder to do insider trading.

Tulsi Gabbard having to use her husband's cancer to cover for getting shitcanned is rough, even for republican politics. Sucks to suck!

The spinny rainbow plus sign on the Google search bar can fuck right off. Settle the fuck down and I'll tell you what I'm looking for when I'm good and ready.

It's hardly the worst of the New York Times' sins, but I feel like we don't talk enough about how "apeman' and 'apemen' are both legal Spelling Bee words.

It's been a while since I bought an EV from Volkswagen instead of an American company because I didn't want to do business with Nazis and the irony just now hit me.

If a college football coach derides another team's players taking Basket Weaving, he should be required to immediately demonstrate that he can weave a basket.

Documentary producers: every time you go back to an interviewee, you need to throw their name and qualifications back up there. I'm not going to remember any of these fucking people once they're off screen.

At some point, I'm stop thinking VGK on the score bug means Van-Goover Kanucks, which isn't a real city or a real hockey team.

Several lessons, including "dancing in drag projects more confidence that hitting yourself in the face with a hammer."

I get why someone might think you should walk on the right side of the road if there's no sidewalk but you should realize that's wrong the very first time a car passes you from behind without giving space.

It's kind of amazing that the Supreme Court used the power of judicial review to grant itself the power of judicial review and everyone just went along with it for 200+ years.

There should be more scams disguised as school forms. I will sign literally any piece of paper, sight unseen, if one of my kids takes it out of a folder and hands it to me.

They don't give you a discount if you finish the marathon faster. Sawe should have taken his time and gotten gotten his money's worth.

Maybe next time.

Who the fuck is Hasan Piker? Wrong answers only.

Vontae Mack no matter what!

Somehow, "Somehow, Palpatine returned," returned.

I was a lot more inclined to see Avengers Endgame in the theater again UNTIL I heard there's new footage to set up Avengers Doomsday, yet I'm still hyped to see Doomsday. You don't have to be like this, Marvel.

Telling my son he should avoid drug dealers is simple, but I sound like a lunatic telling him to avoid YouTubers who say it's cool to hit yourself in the face with a hammer. DARE did not prepare for this.

The first 10 minutes of Wrestlemania here are going to tell us a lot about where WWE is going.

Vrabel threads are excellent for identifying block/mute targets, being filled with misogynist my lefties and masshole Patriots fan lefties.

When Disney's CEO says "I know this is hard," I assume he means thinking of what to say if someone asks what percentage of his compensation would fund the salaries of all the people he just laid off.

Just when I thought Pope Leo couldn't be cooler.

If Darby Allin is randomly trending, I know he isn't dead but something he did probably should have killed him.

And our leader is Boss Nass but dumber and cruder.