Hi! #UpperClassy will stream globally on @NetflixIsAJoke September 23! Countdown starts now: 5 weeks. I’m teaching my family (and myself) how to enjoy life…whether we like it or not. Truth is, the problem isn’t that you don’t work enough, it’s that you work too much. 🇲🇽❤️🇺🇸

It’s crazy that I have to announce an announcement but this algorithm is no joke. Ay nos vemos mañana.

NEXT SHOWS: BREA, CA Tickets on sale NOW! I’m coming to do THREE shows the Brea IMPROV in August. After that, I don’t have any shows in the books for a while. That’s it for stand-up for a bit…but only for a little bit. GET TICKETS HERE: improv.com/brea/comic/c...

THE SMOKE! DO WE HAVE A POPE???!!!! I think we have a new Pope!!! I just saw it live on TV and it made me so excited!!!!

Due to rising costs due to the tariffs, my thoughts and prayers will now be condensed to a high-five.

THIS WEEKEND: PHOENIX! Well technically, Chandler, AZ. Doing FOUR shows @micdropcomedychandler this weekend and I prepare to shoot my THIRD Netflix special in Dallas. SIX MORE WEEKS! Tickets here: www.micdropcomedychandler.com/events/111762

I don't know what's more pathetic. Trump not being able to stand that his polling numbers are in the crapper...or the people that thought he'd do a good job. Everyone I mentioned does a good job of blaming everyone else for their own problems though.

Canada...you have an election to vote for tomorrow. Learn from the mistakes that idiots made here and vote correctly.

Stop what you’re doing & listen to this!

Don’t act all surprised like you didn’t know what you were voting for…

I'm a @LAClippers fan. Became a season ticket holder in 2014. Didn't get season tickets this year because it's hard to have tickets to all the games when I'm on the road so much. These playoffs have been really good so far but I think so far, our series against Nuggs is the best.

That Laker/Timbs game was intense as hell...AND THAT LAST CHALLENGE??? DUDE... THE AERIAL ANGLE WAS INSANE. On the sides, you thought MAYBE it was LeBron...but from the top...it's ALL LeBron.

HOW DO I HAVE MY MOM AND GRANDMA’S NAMES TAKING CARE OF ME TODAY???? What a moment. I wish you all had seen my face when I realized it!!!! It’s a sign. I know it. I accept it. God is good. ❤️🤯

It's Saturday morning so I'm watching Columbo obviously. William Shatner is in this one. Someone in this episode did NOT live long and prosper though.

Great quote from @katiephang.bsky.social on her final MSNBC show. From a letter her dad wrote years ago: Live each day so that you will neither be afraid of tomorrow nor ashamed of yesterday.

I just applied for Pope on Indeed!

We didn't let Trump finish the sentence. He wanted to say, "Make America Great Depression Again!"

Hey @maddow.msnbc.com, I am Team Macho Whaddler

NETFLIX TAPING: DALLAS, TEXAS. JUNE 14. THE MAJESTIC. Tickets on sale THIS Wednesday (March 19 at 10 AM) for fans with the code: CLASSY I started stand-up in Dallas in 2003 so when it was time to pick the location of the new special…I had to go back to where it all started.

THIS MONDAY! ESTE LUNES! I’ve done Lower and Middle so let’s finish out the stand-up trilogy with UPPER CLASSY! it’s going to be 🔥🔥🔥🔥…and I mean that because im shooting it in the middle of summer lol.

THIS WEEKEND: SAN DIEGO! Doing FIVE shows at Mic Drop Comedy Club! Prepping my hour that I’m shooting in June. Come check it out! Always love coming to the club! 😘 Tickets here: micdropcomedy.com/events/97840

Trump hates Mexicans so much he changed Taco Tuesday to Tariff Tuesday.

President-elect Elon isn’t making VP Trump look very good. Decorative soap JD Vance is nowhere to be found.

JUST ANNOUNCED! LOS ANGELES! I'm coming to The Wiltern on March 30! I'm doing ONE show The Wiltern - presale tickets go on sale TOMORROW morning! 🎤 Artist Presale starts Thursday 12/12 @ 10 AM Use Code: Classy Ticket link for presale here: ticketmaster.com/event/09006186C11D3A10

MURDER SHOW WITNESS: This is the kind of town where nobody locked their doors… ME: Well, there’s your problem.

I just made an appts for an eye exam, mammogram and dentist cleaning. This is how I party late-night.

I miss MTV’s Unplugged.

LAST SHOWS ON THE ROAD FOR 2024!!! Next shows: Albuquerque! Well, close to Albuquerque! You can drive from Santa Fe too? 4 SHOWS Quezada's Comedy Club - both early shows are sold out but tickets left for the late ones. Hope to see you there! Tickets here: quezadas.holdmyticket.com/tickets/4358...

I LOVE all the cabinet picks! Yes queen! What the majority wanted! We deserve it!

I LOVE all the cabinet picks! Yes queen! What the majority wanted! We deserve it!

People that click accept all cookies are the kind that answer all phone calls without seeing who it is first.

This bitch.

I spent all week being a day off of what day it really is. I thought today was Sunday until I realized I was flying to Houston to do a keynote. 🥹

Just wanted to come here and say FUCK ELON. 🥰

Shout out to the people like me that get excited about back to school supplies because you get to buy stuff you couldn't afford as a kid!* *looks for big box of crayons WITH the built-in sharpener

MOST PARENTS: Don't worry. It's okay. We all learn from our mistakes. LATINO PARENTS: Por pendeja!

Those college brochures sure are gonna look more pale after that affirmative action bs.

(Sings) Last Christmas I gave you my heart The very next day…I was dead.

I forgot I was on here and then I remembered they don’t limit views.

With the NFL draft over, we can focus on the one that matters: The NFL Band Draft! Will Phil from Columbus, OH get first chair for the Dallas Cowboys’ brass section?!?!?!

(Whispers) not paying $8

I can’t believe I actually got the Cristela username first. Finally! After so many decades. God, I hope this sticks around.