Mental Shift Guardian Force, move out!

Maybe the sexual assault handshake isn’t a good idea

Y’all don’t know how lucky you are that noses can’t crossbreed

Goodnight Portland

I grasp words from the chaos, but they don’t always banana

Oh, right, I forgot. I had to go in so deep I almost shit myself, captain

Putting the rank in Rankin/Bass

That’s really the holy grail right there. That’s what you want: pissed off normies

I really don’t need the homeless guy going super saiyan

Was no one going to tell me my collar was in a constant state of trying to pop itself‽

So, my boyfriend apparently just happens to know the person who voiced my favorite character on a D&D show I used to listen to and brought them over to say hello and oh my god!

I’m fueled by a hatred for vegans where I have to eat meat just to spite them

The existential crisis of a good boy

You ever get so high you genuinely consider Jesus as a choice?

Found Waldo

I think I’m writing the love ballad of the century and it’s fucking Donkey Kong

I can’t sleep with you squeezing my titties

When I’m high and trying to fall asleep is the worst time to replay all of my mistakes fuck you brain

My orgasms are in a 12 step program

Like, it’s sweet, but it’s healthy sweet. It doesn’t satisfy my craving for diabetes

That’s right, folks, it’s a Christmas miracle. Hail Satan

Yes, yes, Billy Billy gumdrops, my dear, now where the FUCK are we?

Turns out the end of the rainbow is just a couple tired gays

A second baby has hit the towers

*stops dead in its tracks* “Any conversation can continue on the bed” “Ok” See, this is why I love him

A little bit of water to soothe the soul

You know what Canada? Fuck you. Now I’m not checking my email just out of spite

Well, I seem to have avoided the brain clicks at least

Look, Chet’s a great guy, but he has a child

There I go thinking about Shithead again

DSG: Dick Sucking Geriatrics

Tonight’s little bit of toilet karaoke was a great little concert, if I do say so myself

My dude, unless this is a langoliers situation we are not going to have an on time departure

Holy FUCK, if we could get off this wild history ride for FIVE SECONDS!

I just watched a man give a sincere apology video because, in his last video where he won a switch 2 at an arcade, he messed up his math in figuring out the credit to dollar ratio efficiency of his method and how much he saved on the console, and, like, swore to do better

Why do I hear demonic choirs approaching? Is it the cars, or the dryer?

*hyperfixating on these soggy buns*

This summer, the hit new broadway musical: Because My Eyes Are Too Red

Bah buh buh Bah Buh Bah Bap Buh Bah

Gotta love ending a conversation with “Yes, I did see his penis. His wrinkly, 75 year old penis.”

Welp, time for another round of who are you fuckers and why are you liking posts from months ago

You were standing in front of the refrigerator shoveling pepperoni into your face, where could you have gotten liquids from sweetie?

“I jerked off while Nic Cage was fighting an alien tonight”

Gotta murder my ears now, I don’t have enough coordination

The action scenes in that movie were so fucking chaotic they were nauseating

Ooh, just found out if it’s a panic or profound wisdom night

*Does the most intricate dance of its life* It’s bird time, mothafucka!

No one’s going to get me, I’m fucking god

I have been given permission to post when I’m not high and I’m about to make that everyone’s problem

Better not, you tell your tonsils to cut that shit out