The Shovel
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News you can believe in. Read more at theshovel.com.au
England captain Ben Stokes said the team had been careful not to breach the six-month single-employer rule.
theshovel.com.au/2026/01/09/e...
about 5 hours ago
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“He’s not bogged down by details. He just knows what he wants and follows his nose,” one MAGA fan said.
theshovel.com.au/2026/01/08/d...
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Donald Trump Jr Proposes Invading Colombia Next and Stealing Whatever They Produce — The Shovel
“They’ve got resources. Tremendous resources,” Trump Jr said, sniffing loudly for unrelated reasons.
https://theshovel.com.au/2026/01/08/donald-trump-jr-proposes-invading-colombia/
1 day ago
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“What happened to Eleven? Where were the Demogorgons in the final battle? Is Byler canon? The Australian public deserves to know,” said the PM.
theshovel.com.au/2026/01/07/a...
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Albanese Says He’s Open to a Royal Commission Into Stranger Things’ Ending — The Shovel
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has made a major backflip, announcing he’s open to a Royal Commission into the series finale of Stranger Things. “The Australian public is right to demand answers, and...
https://theshovel.com.au/2026/01/07/albanese-royal-commission-stranger-things/
2 days ago
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“Not a lot of people know this, but until I bought it today, Greenland was actually a territory of Nigeria, not Denmark,” Trump said in a post on Truth Social.
theshovel.com.au/2025/01/07/n...
2 days ago
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“When they said ‘private jet’, ‘no phones’, ‘New York billionaire’ and ‘we’ll explain later’, I assumed it was going that way,” Maduro said.
theshovel.com.au/2026/01/06/m...
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Maduro Relieved He Wasn’t Expected To Fuck Trump After Secret Flight on Private Jet — The Shovel
“When they said ‘private jet’, ‘no phones’, ‘New York billionaire’ and ‘we’ll explain later’, I assumed it was going that way"
https://theshovel.com.au/2026/01/06/maduro-relieved-he-wasnt-expected-to-fck-trump/
3 days ago
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"At least Maduro wasn't on the Epstein List," said one Caracas — now Car-a-Lago — local.
theshovel.com.au/2026/01/06/v...
3 days ago
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“I’m not racist or anything, I just think they're loud and annoying and shouldn’t be allowed in America,” said the man who last saw a map in third grade.
theshovel.com.au/2026/01/05/m...
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MAGA Diehard Supports Trump’s Invasion of Vuvuzela — The Shovel
Following the US’s capture and arrest of Nicolás Maduro, Trump’s supporters have shown their inconceivable understanding of all the non-American parts of the world. MAGA loyalists such as Cleetus Dray...
https://theshovel.com.au/2026/01/05/maga-diehard-supports-invasion-of-vuvuzela/
4 days ago
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We called this in November
4 days ago
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FIFA said invading a sovereign nation and forcefully removing its leader was exactly the type of peace they had in mind when awarding the prize.
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FIFA Peace Prize Recipient Peacefully Starts New War — The Shovel
FIFA said invading a sovereign nation and forcefully removing its leader was exactly the type of peace they had in mind when awarding the prize.
https://theshovel.com.au/2026/01/05/fifa-peace-prize-recipient-peacefully-starts-new-war/
4 days ago
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Trump Says US Will Occupy Venezuela for As Long as It Takes To Distract From Epstein Files
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Trump Says US Will Occupy Venezuela for As Long as It Takes To Distract From Epstein Files — The Shovel
Pentagon sources said several alternative distractions were considered, including declaring war on TikTok, arresting the moon, and releasing a new line of Trump NFTs, before settling on Venezuela as ‘...
https://theshovel.com.au/2026/01/04/trump-occupy-venezuela-distract-from-epstein-files/
5 days ago
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A Melbourne man says this year will be the year he stops getting uptight about grammar, errors.
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Man Resolves to be Fewer Pedantic About Grammar This Year — The Shovel
"I'm totally relaxed about, it"
https://theshovel.com.au/2023/01/03/man-resolves-to-be-fewer-pedantic-about-grammar-this-year/
7 days ago
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With just hours until the end of the year, fathers across the country were today preparing ways to slip their hilarious ‘see you next year’ joke into their conversations on New Year’s Eve. Full details:
theshovel.com.au/2024/12/29/nations-dad-start-preparing-see-you-next-year-jokes/
9 days ago
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Under the eviction order, Andrew has been offered smaller public accommodation nearby, believed to be the Frogmore Cottage complex, previously occupied by another young couple forced to leave after ‘differences with management’. Read more:
theshovel.com.au/2025/10/31/m...
9 days ago
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“We’re sick of these people coming here and changing things,” one protester said, before listing 48 things he would like to see change. Read more:
theshovel.com.au/2025/09/02/i...
10 days ago
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“Autism from Panadol Rapid takes effect twice as fast as regular Panadol,” Kennedy Jr said through his interpreter. Read more:
theshovel.com.au/2025/09/23/w...
11 days ago
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“Your behaviour shows the highest of contempt for all that our society holds sacred; it is morally reprehensible,” the judge told the two dozen podcasters inside Erin’s courtroom. Read more:
theshovel.com.au/2025/08/26/e...
13 days ago
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“We’re predicting him to get somewhere between level three and the Channel 7 blimp,” one observer said. Read more:
theshovel.com.au/2025/08/14/s...
14 days ago
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In 2019 Claus wrote on Twitter: “Just checked the naughty list. Trump isn’t on it because fuckwits require a separate category."
theshovel.com.au/2025/12/26/s...
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Santa Denied Entry to US After Posting on Social Media That Trump Is a Fuckwit — The Shovel
In 2019 he wrote on Twitter: “Just checked the naughty list. Trump isn’t on it because fuckwits require a separate category”.
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/12/26/santa-denied-entry-to-us-social-media/
14 days ago
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“I have no idea why he avoided them. I put them on a special plate, just so I knew they weren’t for me,” said an upset Patterson. Read the full story:
theshovel.com.au/2025/12/24/s...
16 days ago
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“The only thing that would make me more attracted to Sydney was if she were my daughter,” said the President. Read more:
theshovel.com.au/2025/08/05/t...
16 days ago
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“I thought I was listening to a ceremonial military band. Turns out it was just Trump yelling about Hillary Clinton’s emails." Read more:
theshovel.com.au/2025/07/28/b...
18 days ago
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In a difficult but ultimately necessary family conversation, parents across England have begun sitting their children down to explain that, despite what they may have heard on television and social media, Bazball is actually just something adults made up.
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English Parents Decide It’s Time To Tell Their Kids That Bazball Isn’t Real — The Shovel
In a difficult but ultimately necessary family conversation, parents across England have begun sitting their children down to explain that, despite what they may have heard on television and social me...
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/12/22/english-parents-time-to-tell-kids-that-bazball-isnt-real/
18 days ago
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Costs are expected to blow out, as more spending is required to train elite personnel to drive a manual car. Read more:
theshovel.com.au/2025/07/01/n...
20 days ago
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Channel Nine tastefully covered the Papal election, plunging unsuccessful cardinals into a Dunk Tank. Read more:
theshovel.com.au/2025/05/09/n...
21 days ago
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Howard reminded Australians that creating unity is vital during times of national grief, but turning people against each other for political gain is often easier.
theshovel.com.au/2025/12/19/h...
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Howard Reassures Australians That No Matter How Divided We Feel in This Moment, He Can Always Divide Us More — The Shovel
John Howard has moved to calm a tense and fractured nation, reassuring Australians that while the current levels of social, cultural and political division may feel unprecedented, he remains available...
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/12/19/howard-reassures-australians-he-can-always-divide-us-more/
21 days ago
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Like the Liberal Party’s governing style, the vehicle arrived unannounced, massively inconvenienced everyone, broke a whole heap of shit and then left. Read more:
theshovel.com.au/2025/04/23/l...
22 days ago
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“Christ, is everyone going to tell me what to do with this kid? First an angel, and now some guy with a brain worm? Give me a fucking break,” said the Blessed Mother.
theshovel.com.au/2025/12/18/v...
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Virgin Mary Condemned for Taking Tylenol During Pregnancy — The Shovel
The holy Saint Mary has been criticised by the US Department of Health & Human Services for putting the birth of Christ at risk by taking Tylenol during her pregnancy. Mary, age usually omitted, was ...
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/12/18/virgin-mary-condemned-for-taking-tylenol-during-pregnancy/
22 days ago
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He said that if he is ever invited back, he will make sure to urinate on the carpet and loot the building before meeting with the President. “I just want to show my respect”. Read more:
theshovel.com.au/2025/03/01/z...
23 days ago
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England's cricket team say their relaxing golf holiday in Noosa has been “completely derailed” by the sudden and unexpected requirement to play cricket today.
theshovel.com.au/2025/12/17/e...
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Golf Trip Rudely Interrupted by Cricket Match — The Shovel
A relaxing golf getaway in Noosa has been “completely derailed” by the sudden and unexpected requirement to play cricket.
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/12/17/england-golf-trip-rudely-interrupted-by-cricket-match/
23 days ago
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Customs officials have been given the green light to use lethal force on any teens they suspect may have photoshopped JD Vance. Read more:
theshovel.com.au/2025/12/13/a...
27 days ago
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The nation said they would try not to reintroduce the devastating disease, but if they did, it was a small price to pay for owning the libs. Read more:
theshovel.com.au/2025/02/25/g...
28 days ago
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The White House said it wanted a typeface that more closely aligned with the decorum, direction and values of the Trump Administration.
theshovel.com.au/2025/12/12/w...
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White House Confirms All Future Communications To Be in Comic Sans — The Shovel
In a statement today, the White House said it wanted a typeface that more closely aligned with the decorum, direction and values of the Trump Administration.
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/12/12/white-house-confirms-all-future-communications-to-be-in-comic-sans/
28 days ago
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“Millions of Aussie teens are going to wake up each morning without an unintentional briefing on the bombing of Yemen — that's a huge national risk," warned one security expert.
theshovel.com.au/2025/12/11/s...
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Fears Social Media Ban Could Stop Aussie Teens Receiving Updates From Pete Hegseth on Classified US Military Operations — The Shovel
“Millions of Aussie teens are going to wake up each morning without an unintentional briefing on the bombing of Yemen"
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/12/11/social-media-ban-stop-teens-updates-from-pete-hegseth/
29 days ago
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“Well… we found ways to keep busy,” 74-year-old Bob said, at a pre-Christmas lunch attended by seventeen of his children.
theshovel.com.au/2025/12/11/k...
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Kid With 38 Aunts and Uncles Asks Grandparents How They Used To Spend Their Time Before Social Media — The Shovel
“Well… we found ways to keep busy"
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/12/11/kid-with-38-uncles-grandparents-before-social-media/
29 days ago
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Read more:
theshovel.com.au/2025/12/11/r...
29 days ago
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“You could of course experiment with other lower-quality products made locally in the US, but you’d risk looking fucking ridiculous," said Albo. Read more:
theshovel.com.au/2025/02/11/t...
30 days ago
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Genealogists are baffled as to how the massive spike in births 100-plus years ago went completely undocumented.
theshovel.com.au/2025/12/10/t...
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TikTok Flooded by New Users All Born on 01/01/1901 — The Shovel
Popular procrastination app TikTok almost crashed today, after its servers were inundated by a mass of new users who all happened to be born on the 1st of January, 1901. Genealogists are baffled as to...
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/12/10/tiktok-new-users-born-1901/
30 days ago
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The 15-year-old can't use TikTok, but is comforted by the fact he’ll be old enough to watch a thousand ads from Sportsbet about the latest odds at Randwick.
theshovel.com.au/2024/11/11/t...
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Teens Facing Social Media Ban Relieved They’ll Still Be Able to Watch Gambling Ads — The Shovel
“Social media causes anxiety and depression, ruins relationships and is incredibly addictive. On the other hand, gambling does all those things too wields enormous power over governments. So it makes ...
https://theshovel.com.au/2024/11/11/teens-facing-social-media-ban-able-to-watch-gambling-ads/
about 1 month ago
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The man said existing Los Angeles residents would be asked to find somewhere to live in Mexico. Read more:
theshovel.com.au/2025/02/07/p...
about 1 month ago
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Analysts say Qantas shares jumped the moment Wells typed “New York fli –” into a government laptop.
theshovel.com.au/2025/12/09/q...
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Qantas Upgrades Earnings Forecast, After Anika Wells Announces Plans for “Work Trip” — The Shovel
Analysts say Qantas shares jumped the moment Wells typed “New York fli –” into a government laptop.
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/12/09/qantas-upgrades-earnings-forecast-after-anika-wells/
about 1 month ago
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His staff said he was checking flights to see how quickly he could get there. “To get to Waikiki of course. He’ll get to LA as soon as the clean-up effort has finished”.
theshovel.com.au/2025/01/15/s...
about 1 month ago
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Unaccustomed to choosing one thing and remaining loyal to it, the man asked if there was a chance the party could change its name to 'One Nation That Everyone Knows About But Also A Secret Second Nation On The Side'.
about 1 month ago
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Hanson has fallen one spot since last month. Malcolm Roberts – who believes the Government is trying to control him through the use of grammar – has retained first spot.
theshovel.com.au/2025/12/08/p...
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Pauline Hanson Falls to Third Place On List of Most Ridiculous One Nation Politicians — The Shovel
Malcolm Roberts – who believes the Government is trying to control him through the use of grammar – has retained first spot.
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/12/08/pauline-hanson-falls-to-third-place-one-nation-politicians/
about 1 month ago
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Though the start of 2025 feels like a distant lifetime, experts have informed us that it was only 11 months ago. So in honour of this horrifying fact we're looking back at some of our top headlines from the year. Read more:
theshovel.com.au/2025/01/31/d...
about 1 month ago
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When asked why she didn’t share her Spotify Wrapped, Ley explained, “All my top artists were the standard unproblematic ones that everyone loves, like Michael Jackson, Kanye, and Rolf Harris.”
theshovel.com.au/2025/12/06/s...
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Sussan Ley Still Trying To Find Bands With Nazi Associations in Albo’s Spotify Wrapped — The Shovel
Desperate for one last political gotcha before the year ends, Sussan Ley has been locked in her office since the release of Spotify Wrapped, frantically searching for a way to link one of Albo’s top a...
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/12/06/sussan-ley-still-trying-to-find-bands-with-nazi-associations-in-albos-spotify-wrapped/
about 1 month ago
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Donald Trump is on the cover of our 2025 Annual, and honestly it looks incredible. People are saying it’s the best Annual they’ve ever seen. They've never seen anything like it. A lot of people are talking about it You should get a copy here:
theshovel.bigcartel.com/product/the-shovel-annual-2025
about 1 month ago
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“There’s certainly a history there of collapsing under pressure, especially under lights. And England has a tendency to collapse too, but usually not quite so spectacularly,” analyst Mark Harrow said.
theshovel.com.au/2025/12/04/d...
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Dutton Hoping England Beat His Record for Worst Defeat in Brisbane This Year — The Shovel
"Both Dutton and England have a special ability to take an unassailable lead and turn it into a humiliating defeat"
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/12/04/dutton-hoping-england-surpass-him-for-worst-defeat-in-brisbane/
about 1 month ago
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Authorities confirmed after a thorough investigation that they found no illegal substances, only several tonnes of ethically sourced fruit and a mute dinosaur in a tutu.
theshovel.com.au/2025/12/03/w...
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Guys Who Spent Last 34 Years Talking to a Dinosaur and Singing About Spaghetti, Definitely Not Associated With Drugs — The Shovel
"We definitely do not condone drugs. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to go rehearse with a dragon who plays the bagpipes"
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/12/03/wiggles-not-associated-with-drugs/
about 1 month ago
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Read more:
theshovel.com.au/2025/12/03/l...
about 1 month ago
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Since its release, Trump has reminded his supporters that the list is a hoax used by parents to make children behave, and that there is no such thing as Jeffrey Epstein.
theshovel.com.au/2025/12/01/s...
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Santa Releases Naughty, Nice, and Epstein List — The Shovel
Thanks to a joint effort between the FBI and North Pole, this year Santa’s annual list of boys and girls who were naughty and nice will also include a list of people who visited Epstein’s Island. As ...
https://theshovel.com.au/2025/12/01/santa-releases-naughty-nice-and-epstein-list/
about 1 month ago
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