Next No Mow May the wildlife can bloody well reciprocate in June and eat the resulting meadow.

Mason “So Victoria Derbyshire has been exonerated of all Trumped-up charges” Kuenssberg “I see what you did there”

There are just two kinds of people .. those who pronounce it, ‘Lee’ … and the folk who talk proper.

Reminded of the Douglas Adams, ‘Three Stages of Civilisation’ 1) How can we get something to eat? 2) What shall we eat? 3) Where shall we have lunch? Now maybe a fourth … * What did the restaurant critic suggest?

Iola Williams, pisses on the other two smug buggers. Brilliant presenter on #springwatch

Somewhere I read, if all the space between our atoms was removed, every person on the planet could be fitted into a single sugar cube.

John Humphrys must have something to sell …

So, what are we supposed to do about Alice Munro …?

BBC launches Party Leader … Saturday night TV game show in which Kuenssberg and Mason compete to promote their personal neo-fascist choice to run the country

OK … how to slash the so-called Welfare Bill’ … 1) remove old age pension - call it the Retirement Bank 2) remove the payments to people in low paid work - call it the Shareholder Subsidy.

His feet are the other end …

A lovely day … dolphins in Collywell Bay, flowers flourishing around the OhBlimey estate - yet among life, a moment of silence for the passing of a spider.

I rescued this little rose from a forgotten life … and it rewarded me with the most cheerful smile and a delicate old fashioned fragrance.

Thoughtless for the Day: Imagine for a moment that film didn’t exist and David Attenborough had presented Life on Earth et al on TV as engravings and illustrations.

Oh, if only I could be bothered … courtesy the FT weekend … (and maybe the greatest sidebar in history …)

Did the Russians pull it off…?

A TV channel is charging Arsenal fans £4:50 to watch tonight’s football match. There are complaints. Hang on … “Among Premier League clubs, Arsenal made the most per fan, per match, earning an average of £89 per ticket”. Source BBC

Proud to announce I wasn’t invited to appear at Trump’s 250 Concert.

Mason “I hear we can expect big decisions from the new Director General” Kuenssberg “Yep - he’s already given Claire Balding another job”

Well, … that’s it, I have spent my whole life with Julian Barnes. As far as I can remember …

Keir Starmer commissions report on Youth Unemployment. … and gets the blame for … youth unemployment. Forgive me, I trained politicians to say “This is why I commissioned this report” Who the fucking hell is working with Starmer?

I had forgotten the sound of the Julian Barnes, chummy, matter-of-fact, at the end of the universe - voice. I don’t know if it’s anything like the, Julian Barnes down-the-pub voice. Or his, my-agent-hasn’t-sent-the-cheque, voice. Or indeed, his voice. But it’s a voice I like so it’s the one I hear

Mason: “A million young people out of work and not in education” Kuenssberg: “Hmm … Cameron, tuition fees, austerity, Brexit, May, Johnson, Covid, corruption, war, Truss, China, Sunak, more war, Trump … who shall we blame?” Mason: “Only one name in my book” Joyously together: “STARMER!”

I am reminded of Joan Baez (Baez 5?) A beautiful voice and a better guitar player than most.

“I’ll bomb yours if you’ll bomb mine” Milo Minderbinder

Sofa, so good … Wordle 1,802 3/6 ⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛ 🟩🟨🟨⬛⬛ 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Confusion tonight … is this Trump quitting Washington or Putin abandoning Moscow?

50p says a seafret tomorrow…

Pope comes out against Artificial Insemination. *Shocked

Mason: “So, the chief executive of the SNP, Alex Salmond’s agent and constituency secretary for 20 years, husband of Scotland’s first minister and leader of SNP Nichola Sturgeon, pleads guilt to stealing £400,000 of public donations. What shall we say?” Kuenssberg: “Did he ever meet Keir Starmer?”

SUNDAY. Nothing against the Chelsea Flower show - I’ve been, drunk the champagne and done the lunch. But why does BBC repeat the same programme, of the same posh garden sheds, of the same flowers of the same celebs, for hour after hour, for 8 days? Judi bloody Dench for the sixth time!

I saw 10minutes of the West Ham match. And was prompted to write a screenplay .. The Pornographer’s Wife.

Of course Middlemarch is wonderful (I wouldn’t let folk vote if they hadn’t read it) but last week I was wondering … do five Elizabeth Strout’s equal one George Eliot?

Mason: “A judge makes a wholly inappropriate sentence for rape … what shall we do?” Kuenssberg: “Let’s get Starmer’s name into the story”

We must rejoin Europe …

Christmas with mum and dad. (I’m on the left)

Thanks EVRI … you have delivered my Nairns gluten free muesli to someone in London. I expect no less of you.

This week’s straws: • The Christophers; A gentle take on Stoppard and Bennett with a smattering of Curtis. • The Things We Never Say by Elizabeth Strout; After Kitteridge and Barton, comes Artie Dam. Let the goodness flow. • The Oxford Book of 20th Century English Verse. Open anywhere -pleasures!

As US president scrambles to find someone he could beat in a war, Cuba responds by closing the Gulf of Trump and firing Buena Vista Social Club CDs at Florida.

Mason: “Labour has slashed the Tory net migration again. What on earth are we going to say?” Kuenssberg: “Nothing”

… London’s over-heated, over-resourced, problems are not ours. Start by moving Parliament to Middlesbrough. Move Heathrow runway 3 to Teesside.

Grant Shapps (aka Michael Green, Corinne Stockheath and Sebastian Fox) former Tory UK defence secretary, chairman and ‘founder’ of missile company, within 18months gets multi-million pound missile contract - then claims “nothing to do with me” and that he “never chaired a meeting”.

Mason “Inflation has fallen to 2.8% … what shall we do, Laura?” Kuenssberg “Interview the Tory shadow chancellor” Mason “Who’s that?” Kuenssberg “Oh just make one up”

Over lunch, discussion on the difference between modern slavery and exploitation.

TV companies desperate for young viewers, hire companies desperate to make programmes, who hire folk desperate to work in television, who hire young folk desperate to be celebrities. What could go wrong? Ask Jane Goody.

We told you so …

The Christophers makes a good stab at entertainment … sort of Tom Stoppard meets Alan Bennett… with a bit of Richard Curtis

Kuenssberg “You’ve got them pissing up each other’s backs…” Mason “Only because I couldn’t reach yours”

Right. I’m not standing for anything. I’m not resigning from anything. And I probably won’t vote for anything, either. You’ve all pissed me off.

The greatest joke of all time.