will i actualyl do it, or will i pussy out again?

im thinking those bad thoughts again

everybodys' lives are going to shit, and i dont know what to do. I cant even help because my life is also going to shit, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkk i want to help so bad, im so sorry everyone truly, im so sorry

I almost made a mistake last night that I would've regretted. I'm never letting myself get this low again.

all of a sudden, my mental health became bad. like REALLY fucking bad. bad to the point where I considered self harm, and speaking as someone who has survived multiple attempts, I never wanted my mental health to stoop low enough to self harm I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I need help. now.

this art by AxyUsagi on twt genuinely represents me so fucking much when it comes to relationships

it's crazy how fast my emotions will just switch up all it took is one interaction today, and now I'm fucking depressed !

it's gotten to the point where it directly contributes to my insecurities where if I dm someone and they don't respond, I immediately assume they hate me

the more and more I think about it, I realize how much of an attention-whore I am. Like I require constant contact with people, otherwise I feel alone, even if I'm not interacting with people for 5 minutes. It's gotten to the point where I've straight up asked people to dm me. Somethings wrong w/ me

i completely and utterly hate myself i hate how i look i hate who i am i hate my hobbies i hate everything about me and i dont know why i shrug off every single compliment that heads my way as just someone being kind, because i dont believe i deserve the compliment what the fuck is wrong with me

i just be crying in vc and you wont know until you look at my camera

its time for me to be depressed over the same reason for the 12th time this month

🧵 i think about death a lot in particular, mine, If i were to plan my last day on this earth, where by my action, it would be my last day, i know what i would do i would start a livestream on youtube, entitled "finale", where i leave last messages to those most important to me...

me when the "I fucking hate you and hope you die bill" that plans to cut my foodstamps and insurance gets passed

every single one of my family members now have lost their jobs. we are all fucked.

as of recently, i think ive been more "attention-seeker-y" if that makes sense where i need to have constant human contact with someone, and if i have nobody to talk to, i get depressed i think it might be a really unhealthy coping mechanism for all of the stuff happening to me rn

my insurance is fucking gone and theyre cutting my foodstamps in half in 6 months if the government wants me to die so bad ill just kms at this point

Why am I so good at helping others, yet I struggle to help myself? Ive helped multiple people recover from stuff mentally, and yet I can never do it to myself. maybe its because I torture myself constantly that I can help others maybe it lies in my self worth again, where i prioritize others over me

i think about it daily, and it just keeps getting worse and worse its a neverending cycle of torture, and im just the little plaything for the demons prodding me im just hoping one of the prods is the finishing blow that ends it all

i dont know what i want anymore i want something i *crave* something but im not sure what the more i talk about issues when it comes to relationships, the more i realize i really need a person to hold a person to rest my head on a person to trust completely but im terrified and theres nobody for me

actually my therapist saying i have 0 self worth might be right

i think i rely too much on others' feelings, to the point where i actively harm myself for them, taking on scenarios i dont like, influencing myself to do stuff i dont want and its no fault of them, its my fault for doing it in the first place for putting myself in harms way for them im sorry

i think the reason im so flirty towards people is because how emotionally vulnerable i am when it comes to relationships i flirt with people "jokingly" as, what i could best describe as, a coping mechanism for my lack of partnership

i think, and i think, and i think and each time it harms me i torture myself and for what what purpose does it serve

the fact that nobody wants me destroys me even more nobody i ask says so nobody asks me so it is so

silence is deafening. moreso than now. all of my thoughts and feeling are coming to a head and im afraid to reach out personally

its all coming back together its going to happen again and i dont know what to do id rather end it all than ask again id look like id be profiting off the goodwill of people or look like im letting myself fall into this situation the reality couldnt be further i dont want to ask but i may have to

my routines have been shattered my will has been thrashed yet despite the massive void its all so loud i cry at night awake staring thinking about what couldve been how i couldve turned it into what could be yet the fear the risk that harm it empowers me to back down to close off to end

my heart aches for two, yet i cannot say what my mind is screaming the wall i build around myself crumbled once before, and it had hurt me dearly im afraid im terrified i look back, upon my previous time how young i was how naive i was how stupid i was do i dare risk it all or do i let myself fall

with each passing day, depression pulls me further and further into it's deadly grip. i scream into the void on this account, yet put on a facade when talking in person what am i becoming? what have i been?

im doing something that might help keep me distracted. doing a mini podcast where i just talk about stuff thats going on, how im feeling, etc. i just finished putting it together, and it genuinely did help get my mind off of everything!

🧵im doing really shit mentally. im having anxiety attacks daily, my sleep schedule has become completely reversed, and ive let my entire life become a mess. financially, everything is shit as well. i sit in my bed, thinking about ending it all...