I crave vengeance but I’ll settle for froyo.

Et tu, Megatron?

I’m a bad example but an excellent specimen.

We’re suffering from too many influencers and not enough superpowered mice.

I apologize in advance for any problems or misunderstandings caused by my G.I. Joes, who are very immature.

Don’t bring malarkey to a truthiness fight.

Like the best Jack Kirby comics, I was created in the seventies.

Remember what America stands for: a bald eagle taking a dump on a cowboy.

Hi! I tried telepathically violating your mind but couldn’t connect.

I wonder if I’ll ever have children or shingles.

I’m never pretentious. Such is not my plight.

People are like sheep. They should avoid my uncle.

I highly recommend edibles.

Always a gonad, never a god.

In the eyes of God, we are all spicy meatballs.

I’m reaching out to practice my lunging.

To make a friend, be a friend. To make pancakes, be pancakes.

Do cannibals brunch?

When one door closes, another door bursts into flames.

Men age like a sack of walnuts. Women age like a sack of angels.

I’m at the age where I have to take my glasses off just to laser-blast something.

Rogue cardiologists break my heart.

News: Bad

Neurofluffers blow my mind.

Being legendary keeps me humble.

Until you value yourself, you won’t value Megatron.

Always an astronaut, never an ass.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but beep boop boop.

Help! My robot is using AI.

Save the Earth. Spend the moon.

May I compare thee to ear wax?

I’m an advanced specialist in the streets and a service provider in the sheets.

My vibranium is fried chicken.

My kryptonite is green rocks.

I’m spiritual but not ectoplasmic.

My birthstone is poop.

Always bet on yourself, said the degenerate gambler.

Keep your friends close and your key lime pies closer.

I try not to let lack of knowledge interfere with my ignorance.

If you can dream it, you can fubar it.

They should call this geological period the LeBronic Era.

Wake-up call: You won’t get a job by transcribing the demon-resurrection passages of the Book of the Dead on LinkedIn.

Show proper respect for poopooheads.

Lava on my foreskin, much to my chagrin.

Try not to get trampled by elephants or cursed by Danhausen.

Always a door-buster, never a door.

Just saw feedback referred to as “feedforward” and now I have to feedbackward (vomit).

Pro tip: Tailor your resume to each warlord.

“WW III before beer, never fear.” —Hegseth

Sometimes I miss my home planet.