Mark Peters
@markpetersjokes.bsky.social
📤 110
📥 214
📝 305
Writer, humorist, primate. Author of Bullshit: A Lexicon.
I crave vengeance but I’ll settle for froyo.
about 23 hours ago
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Et tu, Megatron?
about 23 hours ago
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I’m a bad example but an excellent specimen.
about 23 hours ago
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We’re suffering from too many influencers and not enough superpowered mice.
2 days ago
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I apologize in advance for any problems or misunderstandings caused by my G.I. Joes, who are very immature.
3 days ago
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Don’t bring malarkey to a truthiness fight.
3 days ago
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Like the best Jack Kirby comics, I was created in the seventies.
3 days ago
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Remember what America stands for: a bald eagle taking a dump on a cowboy.
3 days ago
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Hi! I tried telepathically violating your mind but couldn’t connect.
5 days ago
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I wonder if I’ll ever have children or shingles.
5 days ago
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I’m never pretentious. Such is not my plight.
7 days ago
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People are like sheep. They should avoid my uncle.
7 days ago
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I highly recommend edibles.
11 days ago
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Always a gonad, never a god.
12 days ago
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In the eyes of God, we are all spicy meatballs.
13 days ago
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I’m reaching out to practice my lunging.
13 days ago
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To make a friend, be a friend. To make pancakes, be pancakes.
16 days ago
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Do cannibals brunch?
16 days ago
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When one door closes, another door bursts into flames.
17 days ago
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Men age like a sack of walnuts. Women age like a sack of angels.
17 days ago
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I’m at the age where I have to take my glasses off just to laser-blast something.
17 days ago
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Rogue cardiologists break my heart.
19 days ago
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News: Bad
19 days ago
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Neurofluffers blow my mind.
19 days ago
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Being legendary keeps me humble.
19 days ago
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Until you value yourself, you won’t value Megatron.
21 days ago
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Always an astronaut, never an ass.
21 days ago
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but beep boop boop.
21 days ago
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Help! My robot is using AI.
25 days ago
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Save the Earth. Spend the moon.
25 days ago
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May I compare thee to ear wax?
25 days ago
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I’m an advanced specialist in the streets and a service provider in the sheets.
27 days ago
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My vibranium is fried chicken.
27 days ago
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My kryptonite is green rocks.
27 days ago
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I’m spiritual but not ectoplasmic.
27 days ago
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My birthstone is poop.
28 days ago
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Always bet on yourself, said the degenerate gambler.
28 days ago
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Keep your friends close and your key lime pies closer.
28 days ago
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I try not to let lack of knowledge interfere with my ignorance.
29 days ago
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If you can dream it, you can fubar it.
29 days ago
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They should call this geological period the LeBronic Era.
29 days ago
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Wake-up call: You won’t get a job by transcribing the demon-resurrection passages of the Book of the Dead on LinkedIn.
29 days ago
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Show proper respect for poopooheads.
about 1 month ago
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Lava on my foreskin, much to my chagrin.
about 1 month ago
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Try not to get trampled by elephants or cursed by Danhausen.
about 1 month ago
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Always a door-buster, never a door.
about 1 month ago
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Just saw feedback referred to as “feedforward” and now I have to feedbackward (vomit).
about 1 month ago
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Pro tip: Tailor your resume to each warlord.
about 1 month ago
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“WW III before beer, never fear.” —Hegseth
about 1 month ago
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Sometimes I miss my home planet.
about 1 month ago
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