pumpkin-head This term for a fool or dolt or round-headed individual has been around since the mid-1700s. It's perfect for Trump, who is indeed a round-headed dolt/fool, in addition to being very orange. Very, very orange. Please stop wrecking the country, President Pumpkin-head.

gazook This wonderful word is defined by the OED as "A fool; a stupid or unpleasant person." Trump takes the hat trick: he's all three. This example of 1920s slang deserves a revival in the 2020s. I'll never understand how people could vote for a gazook.

dough-cake "Dough-cake" is a rarely used term that, in addition to its literal meaning, popped up in the late 1700s meaning a fool or idiot. The president is a dough-cake, and a stale one at that.

twonk "Twonk" is British slang for an idiot or fool. Like Trump, this term has been around since the 1980s. Trump is a twonk, as well as a twit and a twat.

jobbernowl This colorful term, dating from the late 1500s, is defined by the OED as "A stupid or foolish person; an idiot, a numbskull." Trump is all four. Therefore, he is a jobbernowl. I wish my skull were numb enough to forget that the president is a jibbering jobbernowl.

slapsauce The OED defines "slapsauce" as "One who is fond of good eating; a greedy or gluttonous person." Trump isn't known for fine dining, but "greedy" and "gluttonous" fit him like a greasy glove. I look forward to the day when our country isn't "led" by a slapsauce.

gold-thirsty This word for the greedy has been around since the 1500s. Few words are a better fit for the avaricious Trump. It feels like Trump has been around since the 1500s. Will we ever be free of this gold-thirsty kleptocrat?

snidge The OED defines "snidge," recorded since the 1500s, as “A greedy or miserly person.” The ultra-corrupt Trump is the epitome of greed. He is a snidge. This word has a nasty mouthfeel, which is fitting.

dastardling This is a rare word from 1800 for the dastardly sort. What kind of dastardling would invade Portland? Trump is obviously dastardly, as well as despicable, demented, and diabolical.

tallywhacker This term for a penis also applies to dicks who are assholes. Is there a bigger asshole than Trump? No, there is not. Therefore, he is a tallywhacker. Sadly, Trump is America's tallywhacker, much like Florida. I reckon America needs a good bobbitting.

pudding-head Since at least the mid-1800s, a pudding-head has been a dum-dum, a fool, a simpleton, a poop-butt. At the risk of offending pudding lovers, I reckon Trump is a serious pudding-head. Moreover, President Pudding-head is a felonious fuckhead.

pigwidgeon Originally a term for a little creature such as a fairy or elf, "pigwidgeon" came to mean "A small or insignificant person or thing; a stupid or contemptible person" in the 1600s, according to the OED. Trump is stupid and contemptible enough to more than qualify as a prime pigwidgeon.

wrongo The OED defines wrongo as "A bad, dishonest, or untrustworthy person; a ‘wrong 'un’." This term also refers to counterfeit coins and has been in use since the 30s. Few examples of carbon-based life are as consistently wrong, in every sense, as the felonious Trump, so he is a major wrongo.

dunghill People have been likened to dunghills since the mid-1500s. But has any person since that time been more of a dunghill than Trump? No, I reckon not. I’m so tired of the Dunghill-in-Chief.

mudworm In the 1800s, “mudworm” was a rare term for a contemptible person. Today there is one mudworm who is muddier and wormier than the rest: Trump. Will we ever be free of President Mudworm?

hooky-crooky This rare 1800s word is defined by the OED as “Not straightforward, perverse, dishonest.” Everything about Trump is hooky-crooky, and we are all the poorer for it. Trump’s hooky-crooky ways have left me in a higgledy-piggledy daze.

slobber-chops According to the OED, this term originally applied to a drooling animal or person, then more generally to “a stupid, contemptible, or ineffectual person.” You had me at “stupid.” Trump is a slobber-chops, dripping hate and ignorance all over our country. The dude needs a bib.

pediculous Originally, this adjective meant infested with lice in the 1500s, before coming to mean just plain lousy. Trump is a lousy leader, a lousy businessman, a lousy human being, a lousy primate, a lousy Earthling. Our ridiculous president is pediculous.

poop-butt The OED defines this one as “A contemptible or lazy person.” Trump is guilty on both counts, and therefore a poop-butt. Poooooopppp-buuuuuuuuuuttttt. Excuse me, that was disrespectful. I should watch my tone when talking about President Poop-Butt.

stupiditarian This word, dating from the mid-1800s, sounds like someone proud of their own stupidity. That fits Trump to a T. I hate living in stupiditarian times.

Do you ever look at Trump and think, “I have no words”? This account fills that gap with a word a day for Trump, starting with “ninnyhammer.”

You make me feel seen, heard, and smelt.

For every fall of Diddy, there is a rise of Doody.

My brain will always live in my head rent-free.

Yosemite Sam for Secretary of Varmints?!?

I don't know who needs to hear this, but bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz wocka wocka wocka bloop.

Things I love about getting older: [footage not found]

Neuro-squatters live in my head rent-free.

October surprise! I'm naked.

I'm passionate about AI, said the robot fucker.

Give a man a fish, he'll expose it to radiation, eat it, and become Fish Man.

Some days you're the doughnut. Other days you're the cop.

When I catch the Chicago Mothman and put him in a sack, all our troubles will be over, my friends.

Someone should bottle the feeling you get when drinking alcohol.

Nothing Fazes Man Who Notices Nothing

NASA is so spacey.

Reading is my superpower, said the lamest superhero, Literate Lad.

My therapist is right. I am the Chicago Mothman.

It's not easy being Cthulhu's tentacle candy.

Trust your gut but verify your butt.

I'm not a wino. I'm a Wine Experience Consultant.

I'll apply best practices when I'm dead.

While they're playing checkers, I'm playing Olympic grabass.

I'm tired of the haters and defenestraters.

My dream job is to be a sleeping technician.

In the depths of his lair, the mad scientist 3D-printed bananas.

God No Longer Jealous, “Totally Cool” With Other Gods

Meet Assisto, the AI assistant with an AI assistant.

After drinking two iced coffees, I mistakenly thought I had a will to live.