having covid is like okay time to practice barking like a dog, rest, time to practice lois griffin impression, rest,

hack: use your phone to see your hair

do you think p!nk flips every day

eventbrite should change their slogan to “last brite was a movie” and then they should collab with calvin klein and the slogan for that should be “last brite was a movie and honey? i was the star in my calvins”

if you’re ever in a position where you drank a mango smoothie then ate cookie dough then drank coffee then ate dried mango and now your stomach hurts? try more cookie dough and water it fixes it

if you sell womens clothing online and your idea of describing sizing is saying saying stuff like “fits a medium :)” you are a complete freak

everyone loves my shower head that hurts like needles

smart waters on the roof>>>>>>>

something no one can ever take away from me is that my birthday is in november

does anyone know my wife’s first and last name

*inspects individual blueberries for deliciousness before handing them to a sweet baby*

when i’m manic i become a sneakerhead and when i’m not i literally don’t know who that was

basically what we’re gonna do is dance

my most christian belief is that i think if you jerk off to ai it allows demons to enter your body

baby gronk even hugged livvy

i’m running for congress and i’m proposing a bill that it should be legal for mindy kaling to kill bj novak if she ever feels like it

i’m listening to stayc and muse this morning and it’s putting me in a mood no ones ever been in before

of course i know i have boobs but every once in a while i remember i have breasts

i can’t imagine meeting me and not being able to tell i’m the child of a teen mom immediately

and kpop girl group songs are like: hey ya hey ya hey ya (babay) it’s birthday on ya (what you want it) you like my what now (melt it) i’m little miss problem (coconut chocolate)

every kpop boy group song is like: i wanna love you tonight (tonight) girl that smoothie just for me (skrrt skrrt) i’m ready for the fight (the fight) believe in yourself (nothing is impossible)

one time a manager yelled at me for not carding a man with a long gray braided beard

there should be a feature on instagram that tells you if that person is your girlfriend

she like on my bleet til i smile

musicians with blue eyes singing about someone else’s blue eyes is kind of the most psycho shit

tom sandoval feels so of the riverdale universe

when someone calls a snake a serpent its like dont you think youre being a bit dramatic

she smear on my pap til i uh…… cum i guess?

the date of my last pap smear? theres not a day that goes by where the pap dont smear me

new actress finky windows. shes a pretty successful british panel comedian but her politics are getting weird

im struggling to invent male actors though, the only name i can think of is david dobrik

made up another actress natalie scorvedario. shes in like network detective shows

thought of two song titles for olivia rodrigo should i pitch her them moodier rock song: my crush is mysterious gentler love song: i know my crush so well

there was a charli xcx song in my dream called clear mercedes benz where she’s like “but if you stop for a minute… and i stop for a minute… you can see inside. my clear mercedes benz.” could be a metaphor for the real charli? like who she is on the inside. comment if you think it’s that! kisses luv💋

the shining is scary because a parent drinks alcohol in it

i’m a board certified dermatologist

chat should i actually start writing my thesis on the great and terrible responsibility fujos hold in an increasingly fascist society

btw this isnt about women oppressing gay men or whatever this is about how fascism thrives on delusion and feminism thrives only when we grip onto material reality for dear life

the way kpop stans act when it comes to “not assuming sexuality” of straight up twinks is pathetic and pretending it’s protective just adds insult to injury. bring back the good old fashioned fujo, the literal rotten girl

and by the way say yes to heaven.. say yes to me!

if you buy into jaden jeong slander and min heejin slander im telling you right now you will not see heaven

loossemble was built to fail and everyone who supported their cash grab shell company and ignored the red flags is responsible for their disbandment

should i post my kpop takes here where they cant find me

they need to make audio posts i want freaking brain stew on my page

im grinching on my shit

if youre worried youre gonna eat the yellow snow you can stick your tongue to a flagpole

at this point i see yellow snow and it’s like well i won’t be eating THAT

i just saw actual yellow snow and to be fair i didn’t eat it thanks to years of reminders

just invented a new actress. her name is melanie dancing

fancams as an art form are soooooo so interesting