Remember, the opposite of progress is Congress

What actually happened is that Trump lost a fantasy football league and his punishment is to eat 20 large pizzas in a dark room before he can come out

Me - I can make a mean apple pie *takes apple pie out of oven* Apple pie - you suck Me - 😢

I bet I could absolutely survive a washing machine

I randomly said the word menergy. Idk what it means yet, but it gotta mean smth. I’ll keep you updated

My paper folding skills impress girls call that aura-gami

It’s 12:30 am on July 5th. Can y’all stop shooting fireworks now? I’m tryna go to sleep

To the one and only King

We need the slogan Make America, America Again

I can definitely feel the greatness overflowing in America rn

The Muffin Man must’ve been mad as hell when he found out someone made a song doxing him

Friend 1: Do you know what a nice bird is called? Friend 2: Kind of…

My favorite Isekai is Space Jam 2

I forgot to bring my calculator to the addition quiz, so I’m counting on my fingers to get me through

Call me French SpongeBob because I’m bout to Goo Le Goon

If malware is so bad, then how come mal is Spanish for good

My girls nickname is Lyndon cause she B on my Johnson

After spending a lot of time wondering what to name a period of 24 hours, I decided to call it a day

100 gorillas vs 1 Packgod

If you ever feel like giving up, just remember Instead of saying “I cant” say “I see ant”

Scrolling through my posts and being like “these are so relatable” not realizing I was the one who wrote them

Getting out of the shower and going to my bed got me walking like an scp

Quagmire is totally a Giddy blud

Do not read the 10th and 11th words of “Hot Cross Buns”. Worst mistake of my life.

Talk about Silksong is more likely to appear on the wrapper of a Laffy Taffy than The Game Awards

Here is my application for The Onion In a recent interview, Riot Games talks about possibly adding a 12 hour limit per day into their game League of Legends. Many fans are left shook.

I love my girl so much I don’t cheat on her on Valentines Day

The real reason they were digging holes in the movie Holes was so that I can finally comfortably lay face down in the dirt

Crazy how every post about the Super Bowl is about either the halftime show or Taylor Swift and not one commercial

Just ate 2 pounds of nachos call that a super bowel movement

Just made the realization that the minecraft eating sound is perfectly synced to “hot to go” and I don’t think I’ll ever unhear it.

Tastebuds? Yeah, he do taste good

Who wants to go to the Jerk Bar in Cockburn Town?

Gravity is the most wholesome force. It’s so down to Earth

Dear Great Britain, On behalf of the American people, I would like to apologize for the Revolutionary War. It would be greatly appreciated if we can revert those changes. Sincerely, Us

Imagining of Mexico comes back and renames South America to South Mexico

If we stop making waffles there will be no more waffles

mfers be like “never say never” bitch, you just said it twice

If I’m ever in court and they make me swear over this, I know it’s fkin serious

a tree is all bark and no bite

I bet right now, the British are thinking “The Americans are coming!”

I will never be able to work as a kindergarten teacher Student - “Hey teacher, I can count to 10! 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10” My braindead ass:

Some 2025 memes I made for the new year [A thread🧵]

Elon’s advisors watching him mock the terrorists on Twitter

Everyone gets a Happy New Year EXCEPT: (Difficulty: Extreme) - if you said “ I haven’t _____ since last year”

Yknow what? I’m actually leaving this stupid bit in 2024.

Yknow what? I’m leaving myself in 2024. This is the last you’ll ever see of me

Santa why u put 2 teeth in my stocking, I didn’t ask for that shit

After watching the Honey video, im making the conspiracy theory that Pie is actually created by youtube to do some shady shit too www.youtube.com/watch?v=vc4y...

Baby snoop dogg be doing the Crib walk