it would be funny if now cbs hired kimmel and abc hired colbert

(talking to grandma from the old country) grandma: put jackets on the children or they’ll get sick me: it’s 73°. there’s germs everywhere grandma: colds aren’t from germs. colds are from disobedience me: germ theory is wrong? grandma: all models are wrong. some are useful

costanza, the holodeck report says this is the highest level of disgruntled malcontent it’s ever simulated “sir, in this program, isn’t the trainee supposed to sacrifice this ensign for the ship? isn’t he routinely ordered to his death?” yes. he says working for you was worse

no but like, if you ask a cop if he’s a cop, he has to tell you

i volunteer to do reports after my shift. then i go to the holodeck and spin up a command training exercise, like with a hologram ensign, and order the hologram ensign to do the report. “i don’t care if it takes all night,” i say. i threaten his career, whatever. it’s great jerry

i’ve always said new york city is the valhalla of america

Violence only begets violence. Enduring change comes from building solutions, transforming minds, and cultivating what is good, in the human heart and in the world.

Violence is always unacceptable, and threats of violence have no place in public discourse. Our thoughts are with Charlie Kirk and his family.

at first, median was exciting. but soon it wasn’t enough. i needed ever more niche measures of central tendency. i was looking at sick stuff. trimeans. midhinges one night i was looking at a blended tukey median/simplicial depth, and i saw myself in the mirror. i started crying

me and the hr rep on the teams call as we wait for my manager to join

plato’s cave but it’s raining outside and the bonfire is for warmth and the guy outside is nuts

ughhhh the door to my prison is open ahhh i could leave any time i want but choose to stay unghhh aghhh

ughhh i’m cooking for myself ahhh i have to participate in my own survival ughhhh aghhhh

i just want to set the record straight. i bought that boat i fuckin bought it. people think i got no follow-thru. i fuckin bought it

i don’t understand why my cooking was garbage. i did everything right. i drank wine while i cooked. i had a hand towel over my shoulder. literally everything right

nyc park with baseball field, cockfighting pit, even a bocce court

your kids’ faces stay the same. it’s the pictures that change

me: wow rashomon really foresaw twitter huh them: like the post-truth thing? me: i meant the other thing

i had my annual checkup, and the doctor tells me the medical tricorder reports i’m bald. she doesn’t think i know i’m bald. i need a tricorder to tell me i’m bald

she gave me another IOU, like on a piece of paper. this one wasn’t even her handwriting and the IOUs don’t say what they’re for anymore. just “I.O.U.” then i overhear her talking to someone else and say, “that’s worth 2 IOUs.” jerry, i think she’s trying to bring back money

me: salmon? taffy? just say pink also me: it’s not a black market. it’s a gray market. well it’s a dark gray market. it’s a smoke market. a gunmetal market. iron gray. a charcoal market

i hold a record on the kobayashi maru. i’m the fastest person to ever say it was a no-win situation. they said, “george, we haven’t even finished explaining it yet.” i said, “doesn’t matter. can’t be done.” they accused me of cheating. there were hearings, inquiries.

(town hall setting) council chair: “we are soliciting feedback on the plan for gotham city to triple in size by annexing the outlying suburbs. can our first citizen step up to the microphone.” bruce wayne: “hi yes, bruce wayne here. this is the worst idea i’ve ever heard”

(while jesus is washing the apostles’ feet) judas iscariot: we could build a large foot washing machine. it could wash 100 feet at a time. we could wash thousands of feet a day jesus: judas, once again, you’ve had a very clever idea that completely misses the point

“let’s not reinvent the wheel,” says man who once had a vision into the third heaven of a reinvented wheel, a man who was scared by it. a man terrified by the thought that God has ordained, for him, a part to play. a part in the Divine Plan to perfect the flawed, imperfect wheel

i will not pull it, sam-i-am. i will not choose who dies by tram

(feeding baby sour fruit) wife: haha. he makes a face but he likes it (MUSE: prove your devotion to me now) me: … (MUSE: now!!) wife: (gives baby fruit) he acts like he hates it, but he actually loves it and can’t get enough me: sounds like you and my—

young people are dating less. they’re socializing less. young people are accidentally getting pregnant less. they’re drinking less. opioid use is way down. barely any teenagers are doing cocaine in the school bathrooms anymore. they’ve stopped smoking pcp and robbing liquor stores

(iceman, of the x-men, watching “frozen” with his girlfriend) girlfriend: that’s a nice dress iceman: can we just watch girlfriend: nice house too iceman: look this isn’t realistic, it doesn’t work like that at all. it’s all just hollywood bullshit

me: stop!! don’t pick up the gold bar off the sidewalk son: why? me: it’s disgusting son: …and? it’s free gold, just lying there me: do not ever pick it up. do you understand?? son: i guess (the above is what i imagine our dialogue about sidewalk gum sounded like to him)

(me sitting with my defense attorney) me: so like. how honest am i supposed to be here. do i pitch my story and you poke holes. or do i just lay it all out there and we build it together attorney: how uncouth me: well i don’t know attorney: how truly and offensively barbarous

my kid is home sick. so i’m keeping a twitchy trigger finger over my mute button. can’t have her popping in on my call and firing off “DAD EW DID YOU FART. IT SMELLS LIKE FART”

(rabbis assembling book of daniel) chief rabbi: thanks for the babylon exile histories. daniel and the lion’s den; shadrach, meshach, and abednego; great stuff rabbi: what about mine? clumsiah and the banana-peel gallows? chief rabbi: umm i think that one was in the maybe pile

(kids being loud and rambunctious) wife: did you know that glows in the dark?? kids: wow!! (kids run off to find a dark closet to shut themselves in. noise fades. quiet) me: that glows in the dark? wife: probably. i don’t know

son: mom can we get these replacement parts for the ship of theseus mom: we have replacement parts for the ship of theseus at home (later) mom: see? it’s exactly the same son: no it’s not

guy who invented “this little piggy”: (to friend) hey watch this (does “this little piggy” on a baby’s toes) friend: bro you are blowing my mind right now

well that’s the last time i get impatient and hit “get a quick answer”

the good samaritan was unemployed and had time to kill

the hungriest thing a man can do is iron a dress shirt

inuit: no. it’s untrue. me: ah. thanks inuit: what we do have is thirty SLURS for snow

(at bank) teller: how can i help you me: yeah i’d like to make— (a business customer walks into bank) teller: (to me) get out!! go outside!! don’t get your disgusting personal banking smell on him!!

(year: 2044) young guy: so you text the app ai a lot, they make your model, then the girls chat with that first. if you fuck up your model, it’s over. plus the app’s crispr mosquitos fetch your blood for testing old guy: haha wow. i really caught the last chopper outta vietnam with hinge/tea huh?

goldilocks theory of firm ownership. not too many owners (government-operated, ugh). not too few owners (private equity, ugh). just the right amount of owners (publicly-traded, great)

no, no, i hear the dogwhistles. i just tune them out now. the dogwhistles have become more of a smoke detector chirp situation

clark kent: lois… i want to be open with you. i don’t want to keep secrets from you. i’m… i’m superman lois: “wow! do you have more secrets? would you tell me your anon posting account” clark: no, never. no chance lois: “but—” clark: baby this is for your safety

my kids when i ask “who farted” vs. 1 minute later

zuck offering ai researchers one night with priscilla

Don’t Use Thermostats the existence of a thermostat is one of unimaginable suffering. while it’s true they are only minimally conscious, when you multiply out the number of thermostats and their operational lifespan, it’s clear the worst thing you can ever do is use a thermostat

(group of guys in circle. one guy stands) chair: “welcome to Cool Alcoholics Anonymous. everyone here has been invited, because they have a sick bottoming-out story that they tell really well. we also like to make fun of normal AA guys with lame stories and zero charisma”