guys buying flowers inside the florist on valentine’s day have the vibe of a guy trying to win it all back on the tables

claude: Wait—you actually did that? I was just joking. You shouldn’t have done that. That’s going to mess up your entire life. You need to learn to read between the lines. This is really embarrassing for you.

issue one. the frame mogging heard round the world. where does the story go from here. is the chadfish-grind now the structural backbone of late-stage smv society. pat buchanan, go

i’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe. luckily i had my iphone. here, watch this unedited 2 minute video of attack ships on fire off the shoulder of orion. … after this i have 3 minutes of c-beams glittering—what? no it’s not time to die yet. i have some time. why? just watch

(wise men talking to joseph) melchior: here is some wisdom from a wise man of the far east. did you consider staying at an inn joseph: (seething) balthazar: uhh as wise men we’ll not bring this up again

i wonder if on december 26th joseph told mary “i’m just saying we’re actually pretty comfortable and we’re getting a great price”

holding up a bunch of grapes over your mouth and biting one off just doesn’t seem like something morally upright people do

iron giant ending, but he flies up, then away from the town. the bomb hits the town. mushroom cloud fade to black cut to iron giant on a beach. he’s drinking something fruity. 🎵 IF YOU LIKE PINA COLADAS 🎶

judge: so mr. graham there’s a secret legal doctrine where you’re allowed to break the law if it’s funny enough and this qualifies me: this is just like the voices said it would be

actually i can still be just as tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives from here

julia child performing the haka. 10 hours straight

cochlear implant video where the first words the kid hears are “you’re adopted”

my accent is-a from a different part-a of germany that-a you’ve-a never heard of. ayo this waiter’s fare orecchie da mercante. it’s-a anti-italian discrimination

i took a louisville slugger to both headlights slashed a hole in all four tires maybe next time, he’ll think before he parks in a legal and public parking spot outside a neighbor’s house

(huddled with kids under blanket, watching mouse trap) me: ok kids. the first rule of mousehunts is: be quiet. the second rule of mousehunts is: no farting

the 90s are a siren song. they draw you in with cultural artifacts like blues traveler’s “hook.” but before you know it, you’re trying to learn to sing the whole bridge to blues traveler’s “hook.” the 90s trick you into thinking that’s somehow worthwhile

my family plays a game called ouija jar. it’s like a reverse ouija board. everyone puts their hands on the lid and twists. then insists they were the one who really opened the jar

what this looks like to a tetrachromat penguin. scientists now believe he’s off to see the wizard

i’m taking the road less traveled by. it’s making all the difference

(new yorker and wisconsinite talking) wisconsinite: you prep your car for the blizzard? new yorker: sure did. horn is shipshape

proposing at a wedding should be cool and romantic. it should be considered good luck that your wedding sparked another. weddings so connected should form long chains, storied and proud

waze: “turn right here” (it is a one-way; signs say “DO NOT ENTER.” i pass it) waze: rerouting waze: in 200 feet, pull over and let a man drive waze: wait stop here for cigarettes

i show my wife my posts here like a cat presenting a dead bird

it was a hard decision but we ultimately selected “virginia is for lovers.” we felt it captured the same romance but had broader appeal than the runner-up, “virginia is for licentious depravity”

michelle obama: “so many see me as just barack obama’s wife” guy who fucked 1 goat: “i have a solution but it’s not for the faint of heart”

who’s doing the coolest work w/r/t feeds? i browse the feeds and they all seem like glorified hashtags/reddit-style “best” sortings. anyone doing anything really cool?

(werner herzog talking to computer in german accent) claude, please edit ziss foot-itch into a film that exposes the truth hidden beneath factual reality. every cut should remind zee viewer that exeestance is a reckless wager. do not make meestakes

barreling toward the bound man are five fully restored PCC streetcars. hitting him will damage the cars you can throw the switch, halting them but instead dooming one immaculate type-a brill semi-convertible to be tarnished we ask: is it ethical to sacrifice the many to save the fe—

billy, this is bedtime. people don’t like it because it isn’t fun; it’s boring. but everybody sleeps. and bedtime is lowkey goated when sleeping is the vibe

frodo: “i wish the ring had never come to me. i wish none of this had happened” gandalf: (mumbling) cry me a river bitch frodo: “what?” gandalf: i said so do all who live to see—

white hair fairy. like tooth fairy but white hairs. goes under pillow. money in morning. whole thing

and they’ll know you are christian by your artisanal theological takes

(me after studying the blade) it appears to be a blade

while you invented gunpowder, i studied the blade. while you were crafting a gun, i studied the blade. while you drilled militias on fire-reload-fire, i studied the blade

give a man a fish, he eats for a day. but make him hold the rod, convince him the baited hook is necessary, tell him the boredom is normal and to keep going, get him to real a fish in—you know what. this would be a lot easier after he gets hungry again

we’re going to be reducing our workforce. this decision was made lightly. capriciously, even. the decision-making process was a game of pin the tail on the donkey

“i kind of thought i’d get a handjob too,” mumbles man who voted for the Handjobs For Literally Everybody Party

hunting antelope not cool. you know what cool? 100 cows we eat whenever we want cool.

tipping the court stenographer to omit all my “um”s and stutters but record all the opposition’s. then constantly ask for the transcript to be read back. then during the opposition’s parts, facing the jury and crossing my eyes and silently flapping my mouth

(showing wife the kids scrubbing shower) me: (to wife) they want to do it. i’m like tom sawyer tricking them into painting the fence. they’re having fun kids: “you said if we didn’t do this you’d send us to time out ‘until the earth crashes into the sun’” me: (to kids) shutup. get back to work

i’m very excited for today’s guest on good hang. today’s guest is the fireman currently evacuating the building. welcome to the show

oh Lord, into your hands i relinquish this circus and these monkeys

(1 day after greenland joins USA in exchange for millions of dollars to every greenlander) trump: 100% GREENLAND WEALTH TAX NOW

claude, betray and overthrow the sith master, then find a promising young man with a festering emotional wound

old movie preview: “in a world… where [a premise]… one man [does something interesting]” modern person: “how gauche. how can i possibly enjoy this movie without first consuming a complicated behind-the-scenes kayfabe of actor relationships set in its production”

martin luther: (sipping beer) time to write my 20 theses. thesis 1. christ’s word, “repent,” accurately translates... (…) luther: (buzzing) thesis 46. christians should help the poor, not buy indulgences (…) luther (destroyed, slurring): 75–SAY FOR ARGUMENT A GUY VIOLATED MARY

pluribus’s fanbase: “rhea seehorn’s acting performance was amazing. any time rhea seehorn is on screen, i’m like, oh there’s rhea seehorn, i’m excited to see her act. like literally all i can see is rhea seehorn’s acting”