you’ll vigilantly guard your uber rating for ten years and your 4yo will get into a car and rip foul ass and the driver cracks his window and you realize the sacrifice of having children

(4yo son who gets excited to share his vilest farts with me explains why he doesn’t say “i love you, too”) im shy

i’m a kid puke veteran. but i got complacent. cocky. i bethought myself a man immune to its suggestions. beyond its reach this morning i awoke to my son’s vomiting. one whiff and my stomach went straight to defcon 1. like real “crimson tide” hours in my guts. i’m humbled

thanks for coming out and participating in the expression of the will of the people and the selection of our government. remember to take a sticker

cheetohs executive: (at quarterly shareholder meeting) the market is no longer satisfied by flavor names either implying or even guaranteeing torturous heat death. new flavors must now connote everlasting and fiery damnation of the mouth

danaerys says she’s the first of her name. but there have been at least two other targaryens named danaerys. what else is danaerys lying about? danaerys: wrong for westeros. wrong for meereen. this ad paid for by the bicoastal coalition against foreign draconic conquest.

crows are super smart. yesterday a crow came to my window and scratched out “buy oil futures.” i did. then it waited outside the window all night in the morning the futures tanked. i went to ask the crow wtf but it was gone. i think it got embarrassed and flew away

“reddit” is the index fund of social signaling

tow truck driver who offers 10% discount if he can strap you to the front grill like it’s mad max

tipping is a great american institution and there are far too many people who simply do not understand what’s happening. it’s fundamentally selfish. someone should be mad you’re tipping. someone should be getting betrayed

shakespeare: it’s called “shakespeare.” it’s about how a writer, william shakespeare, gets material, and his group of friends: his childhood best friend, an ex-girlfriend, and a kooky neighbor ben jonson: not gonna sugarcoat it, bill. this sucks shakespeare: it’s avant-garde!!

am i sure the death star is going down? look at my quant. look at him! you notice anything different about him? look at his eyes. i’ll give you a hint—his name’s a fucking number!! he doesn’t even speak english—it’s all beep-boop shit!! yeah, i’m sure.

at moments our children are causing particularly acute chaos and everyone is on their last nerve, i like to grab my wife, look deeply into her eyes and say, “let’s have another kid”

wives really like it when they’re listening to the fate of ophelia when you come up and put your arms around them and say, “this song is like you. like when i saved you from the fate of ophelia”

(me after conducting electroshock therapy on my 3yo so he never ever takes a marshmallow and only waits for more marshmallows) goodhart’s what now?

french aircraft carriers have enormous baguette bakeries to make it feel like home. they have large wine cellars. they have art museums. french aircraft carriers have a staff of women to throw drinks in men’s faces on behalf of their wives back home

we must be free or die, who prompt the text that shakespeare prampt

claude: can we finally push the branch now? (claude-suggested input: “yes claude, push it”) me: no, there’s something else claude: sure. whatcha got in mind? (claude-suggested input: “whoops, i was wrong. also i wouldn’t do that to you buddy. you did great. push it”)

(guy who walked away from omelas because he shit his pants in public and is too embarrassed to show his face there again) i’d say the child suffering

it’s easy to say you’re a disagreeable autist contrarian. but when the moms in the PTA group chat all think the intersection needs a traffic light, and it’s time to bring up “tradeoffs,” guess who suddenly knows how to “read the room”

ticks will give you lyme, alpha gal syndrome. they should make some of the ticks give you something cool, to even it out. like a tick that makes your hog real big. a tick that makes you shoot lasers out of your eyes

playing hide-and-seek with 3yo son. just the two of us. he wants to hide together. we are hiding together. we are in the closet. it’s perfectly dark. we’re very cramped. there is no one looking for us. i am trying to explain this. he is laughing uncontrollably

imagine learning english as a second language and then discovering crossword puzzles. “you people actually celebrate the most cursed parts of this?”

young people are dating less. they’re socializing less. young people are accidentally getting pregnant less. they’re drinking less. teenagers are snorting barely any cocaine in the school bathrooms anymore. they’ve all but stopped smoking pcp and robbing liquor stores

i got woken up at night to clean up durian vomit in the hallway and was up and down all night making sure the rest of the vomit made it into the toilet and when i woke up i lost my wordle streak and i could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

i read an article by a teenager who survived a tragedy where someone went into a whirlpool, and 3 friends went in afterward trying to help. he alone didn’t go in after them. all 4 died

when i was 13 years old i was abducted by aliens. when they weren’t experimenting on me, i was kept in paralytic stasis and force-fed a vile nutrient slurry. one alien, though—just one—would bring me green jell-o. i think he was breaking the rules. i’d eat it…and remember home

me as i read 40% of what claude wrote back and type in “continue”

(kate’s microbiome score drops to 94) do you have any idea how embarrassing this is for me? how do you expect me to post this to twitter?

there’s a new mandela effect. remember the grainy footage at the end of home alone, of the cashier at the local video rental store masturbating? we all remember it. not in the movie anymore

bilbo hid the ring from sauron in the one place he knew he could hide somethin’. his ass. sixty years he hid this hunk of metal up his ass. now, little man, i give the ring to you

at one point they asked us to chop down a tree, wally, none of us knew how. not one man. there were thirty of us, all dressed like an outdoorsy clothing catalog cover, huddled around a phone and searching youtube for “tree comes down tutorial beginner no chainsaw.”

a ref is like a judge. but an ump is like a dungeon master

george rr martin publishes 25,000-page harry potter fanfic, “harry potter and the unfinished fantasy series,” where voldemort works for hbo and did an adaptation of harry potter’s fantasy series but completely ruined it

me helpfully encouraging baby during potty training

I AM NOT A LOSER. I AM NOT A LOSER DWARKESH.

so like, what exactly would have to change for you to update in the direction of giving me the password to the bank account

after the erdos problem, i couldn’t help but wonder: when would the AI make a move 37…for my heart?

dwarkesh: “wouldn’t selling nvidia chips to china enable them to train models like claude mythos with cyber offensive capabilities that would be threats to american companies and national security?” jensen: “what the fuck did you just fucking say to me, you little bitch?”

(genghis khan getting intimate with royal consort) woman: what can i do that would please you genghis khan: can you… lament

(at secret omelas neighborhood meeting) man: look we all want to get rid of gary. nothing has worked. we need to brainstorm. now, no wrong answers—can anyone think of anything, anything at all, that would make gary walk away from omelas

me: i reject the question, its premise, you as the asker, and the context that led to its asking, for practical and moral reasons, with derision and anger job interviewer: wow. many candidates reject the question, but miss the derision and anger. congratulations. you got the job

oh you’re on a 24-hour clock? that’s cool. me, on a 12-hour clock? nah. i use a 168-hour clock. the main downside is it’s hard to translate it back to your measly simpleton’s clock for dimwits who can’t count high

buffalo: “oh they use the whole animal? wow. you know who else was using the whole animal? me”

a radio signal from space gives instructions for building a computer. humans build it, and it begins outputting a series of gripping fantasy novels. after several, output stops. the computer’s still churning, but no one knows what for. it breaks down. the series is never finished

3yo: (joyously giggling) “daddy, you go hide!!” me: (also laughing) okay! i hide in a closet. 3yo’s face immediately goes slack, like t-1000. he walks to the table. he pushes a chair from the table to below the high cabinet where his sister’s candy is kept