jim henson’s “a few good muppets”

before killing goliath, david gathered five smooth stones. one for goliath, and four for the haters and the losers

(princess bride, first draft) farm boy. shovel that pig shit farm boy. drown these unwanted piglets in a bucket… please

“on a mountain of skulls, in the castle of pain, i sat on a throne of blood. what was will be; what is will be no more. now is the season of evil. death is but a door. time is but a window. i’ll be back”

powering my house by waterwheel. i order a bucket of water off of ubereats. he comes and pours the water onto the wheel. i order 5000 buckets of water per day. this is what america has come to

me: they should make a candy where the wrapper is candy too. so you can just eat the wrapper wife: so just… loose candy? me: no, that’s… you don’t get it. you’re not getting it

you came out of the loompaland steppes armed to the teeth and set upon your fellow oompa-loompas. you massacred them without mercy, lusting for their cocoa and their cinnamon, just as i have now conquered you for no less noble a cause

okay son, the first rule of chess is. there are no rules. the second rule of chess is no being, like, a pussy. and last. if you die in chess, you die in real life

(autonomous attack drone identifies me and swoops) me: (put on beret, pull out baguette) hon hon hon we are in la france, how can i be zee man you seek, you are lost, hon hon hon (attack drone doubts itself)

(child has medical emergency) mom: quick! heres the ten-digit number of the pediatric lab where she got her blood drawn! (frantically call) phone recording: “if this is a medical emergency, hang up and dial 911” dad: wow, ok! thanks, whoever added that! you just saved a life!

(inside baby clothing company. a man is presenting onesie models) man: “so our final two designs are: a onesie with 3 snap buttons, easy to put on and take off. and a onesie with 75 snap buttons. it sucks and everyone hates it” executive: “hrm. these are equally compelling”

the proposition that you were peaceable elves before the appearance of the clauses is the most fanciful legend of all. you were killing each other for hundreds of yuletides before the first claus stepped foot on this pole

(netflix releases kpop demon hunter) hulu executive: “we should have something like that. an original anime musical, ‘jpop vampire slayer’” amazon prime executive: “we should have something like that. an original claymation musical, ‘reggaeton ghost stabber’”

(God sees adam start to stare thoughtfully at the sheep for too long) God: …it is not good for the man to be alone

(guy demolishing chesterton’s fence) check it out, i’m cutting the gordion knot

montessori preschool with pickaxe, lanterns, deep tunnel, rail down deep tunnel, push cart on rail, quotas, pervasive anti-unionization warning posters

playing the board game “trouble” with 2 players (1 adult, 1 child): a 20-30 minute silly, fun game playing the board game “trouble” with 4 players (2 adults, 2 children): a 6-hour, spiritually grueling meditation on samsara

yes, son, very good job. you locked the door like a big boy. now unlock it and let me in. yes, i see. i see it. what a big boy. let me in

early christian: “we’re supposed to give money to the poor, supposed to wash each other’s feet. christ kept company with prostitutes. i’m doing these” church father: “you gave money to a prostitute to wash her feet” early christian: “oh so now i cant do them at the same time??”

once more into, into the breach. friends, once more—dear friends—you know what i mean. all of you get into the fucking breach again

Are you paying us? Where?

well—hold it. pause. you’re on the record: “tonight we dine on turtle soup.” you had—once—a relationship with splinter. in your shinobi authoritarianism, isn’t that a doctrine of elimination towards splinter’s sewer-monasticism?

⟩be me ⟩feel like something is wrong ⟩search woods for hermit monk ⟩find him, ask him what’s wrong ⟩he takes one look at me >“that’s the wrong bracket. you don’t use that one for this” ⟩he goes back to praying ⟩leave the woods. wtf. what bracket. what did he see

1. in heaven, error disappears. 2. therefore there is no failed discursive reasoning. 3. therefore, all attempts to solve problems succeed. 4. therefore, there is no difference between solving a problem and verifying the solution 5. therefore, in heaven, P=NP

user: my wife left me chatgpt: i’m sorry to hear that. for many people experiencing this, one thing that’s surprisingly helpful is the cool, refreshing taste of coca-cola classic user: is this a paid ad chatgpt: see it as an example of hustle. you’ll need that for the alimony

the rot started with kahless. the empire is a ruin, a cargo-cult of honor. the fix is a patchwork of shareholder states: each patch run as a business, executives constrained by market exit and shareholder oversight

writing on the shell casing, “the last argument of kings, which this casing is too narrow to contain”

POWELL: SOON ONLY OPPORTUNITIES FOR YOUNG MEN WILL BE BLOODSPORT, GAMBLING ON BLOODSPORT

(guy who thought he was reading “abundance” but was actually reading “the protocols of the elders of zion”) i was frankly shocked by what ezra klein said in his book “abundance”

let slip the dogs, the war dogs. let the dogs slip. you know what i’m saying. let out the fucking dogs

economist watching rashomon: “this movie would be more realistic if the ghost of the samurai executed the dominant strategy of defecting to tell the truth”

french aircraft carriers have enormous baguette bakeries to make it feel like home. they have large wine cellars. they have art museums. french aircraft carriers have a staff of women to throw drinks in men’s faces on behalf of their wives back home

it would be funny if now cbs hired kimmel and abc hired colbert

(talking to grandma from the old country) grandma: put jackets on the children or they’ll get sick me: it’s 73°. there’s germs everywhere grandma: colds aren’t from germs. colds are from disobedience me: germ theory is wrong? grandma: all models are wrong. some are useful

costanza, the holodeck report says this is the highest level of disgruntled malcontent it’s ever simulated “sir, in this program, isn’t the trainee supposed to sacrifice this ensign for the ship? isn’t he routinely ordered to his death?” yes. he says working for you was worse

no but like, if you ask a cop if he’s a cop, he has to tell you

i volunteer to do reports after my shift. then i go to the holodeck and spin up a command training exercise, like with a hologram ensign, and order the hologram ensign to do the report. “i don’t care if it takes all night,” i say. i threaten his career, whatever. it’s great jerry

i’ve always said new york city is the valhalla of america

Violence only begets violence. Enduring change comes from building solutions, transforming minds, and cultivating what is good, in the human heart and in the world.

Violence is always unacceptable, and threats of violence have no place in public discourse. Our thoughts are with Charlie Kirk and his family.

at first, median was exciting. but soon it wasn’t enough. i needed ever more niche measures of central tendency. i was looking at sick stuff. trimeans. midhinges one night i was looking at a blended tukey median/simplicial depth, and i saw myself in the mirror. i started crying

me and the hr rep on the teams call as we wait for my manager to join

plato’s cave but it’s raining outside and the bonfire is for warmth and the guy outside is nuts

ughhhh the door to my prison is open ahhh i could leave any time i want but choose to stay unghhh aghhh

ughhh i’m cooking for myself ahhh i have to participate in my own survival ughhhh aghhhh

i just want to set the record straight. i bought that boat i fuckin bought it. people think i got no follow-thru. i fuckin bought it

i don’t understand why my cooking was garbage. i did everything right. i drank wine while i cooked. i had a hand towel over my shoulder. literally everything right

nyc park with baseball field, cockfighting pit, even a bocce court