you come to me today, december 30th, and ask me to do the job for which i am salaried

tower this is claus requesting a final flight check

what it feels like to tell your older kids to take some object away from your toddler, who doesn’t understand the order came from you

i’m reading what are clearly your darlings, and i say kill em all

dog of war 1: you ever gone to war? dog of war 2: no dog of war 1: i didn’t think so dog of war 2: i never gone to war. i slipped to war. and they let me dog of war 1: (speechless) dog of war 3: dude that was actually legitimately sick

your honor this witness and i agreed we were gonna do a rashomon. like we all say we did the crime alone, you don’t know who to believe, and you’re left deeply disturbed by the inaccessibility of truth. but he’s not doing a rashomon. he’s just corroborating my guilt. its bullshit

santa, this is rudolph. he’s a reindeer. he’s one of the most undervalued animals on the pole. his defect is his nose is red and glows. this guy could be one of your best coursers in history. he should cost $3 million a year. we can get him for a song

ho ho ho. you’re exactly the reindeer i need to help pull my sleigh tonight. ho ho ho

this is the latest weapon that i’ve asked these people to design. these will induce myocarditis in a grinch within seconds. soon whoville will be free of those creatures

the most miserable person on earth must save the world from happiness

this time of year, we remember the story of december’s laziest programmer, ebenezer kluge he forgot the spirit of creating shareholder value. until he was visited by the three spirits: the ghost of christmas cheap, the ghost of christmas fast, and the ghost of christmas good

ghost of christmas future: behold the grim future! change, scrooge! scrooge: i will!…wait, what’s that over there? ghost: what? oh. a locomotive. they transform commerce in the next few years. that’s not important here scrooge: …transform, you say? ghost: this was a mistake

melchior: i brought gold caspar: i brought frankincense balthazar: i brought myrrh joseph: thank you (silence) caspar: melchior told herod about your baby & worshiping your baby, now herod wants to kill your baby joseph: what?!? melchior: (to caspar) dude i said EASE INTO IT

gee i wonder which gospel is telling which parent’s version of jesus’s birth matthew: “joseph was a just man. kings were bringing them gifts. herod was killing all the babies. joseph had a lot on his plate. jesus was born healthy. we can skip the details” luke: “IN A MANGER”

thanks for joining us for today’s guest speaker on social skills and making friends

tis the season

mom that password doesn’t work. mom it doesn’t work. i typed it exactly. mom it doesn’t—oh. wait what did you type? huh. i wonder what i was typing wrong

(wife sitting at table with 6yo & 4yo. 1yo baby starts climbing up her) wife: come on baby. let mommy enjoy breakfast with her kids. except not you

buffalo: oh they use the whole animal? wow. you know who else was using the whole animal? me

(guy whose dog just shit outside an elementary school entrance and did not clean it up) heh. heheh. haha. ahahaha. HAHAHAHAH AHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAH

oh shit. he just rescinded the pardons of all the thanksgiving turkeys for the past 25 years. he’s rounding up any surviving birds and he’s gonna carry out their sentences. they’re all getting killed and eaten after all

just pee behind the rocks. what? no one’s even around, he can pee behind the rocks. well i told him to go before we left. anthony if you hit your brother again i’m gonna show you how it feels and you’re not gonna like it. can we just have a nice moment as a family

son: “daddy can i carry baby when i am older” me: no, son. for he won’t be the same baby and you won’t be the same boy son: “what?” me: i said sure

me: i want a 2nd washing machine but we have no space. maybe we should move wife: if we move we’re not taking anything with us, you understand? we’re starting fresh me: are you talking about new appliances? wife: i’m talking about new names

guy consoling a friend: “try to look at it from the outside. like, imagine you’re me, talking to you. doesn’t it seem silly to be this upset about this? like, doesn’t it just seem so stupid. in fact, isn’t it hard to try to care about this at all”

in the sound of music, the baroness watched the captain dance with maria and transform, before her eyes, from a stone-hearted live player into the incredible twink then stayed in the game anyway. that’s how you know she was a baddie. that’s how you know she had the goods. ice cold professional

the sluttiest thing a man can do is reveal he can play guitar by tenderly performing “edelweiss” to his seven children

the single weirdest thing in the bible imo is when a woman touches jesus’s robe and he says “who touched me? i felt power go out from me.” weird mechanistic detail

jim henson’s “a few good muppets”

before killing goliath, david gathered five smooth stones. one for goliath, and four for the haters and the losers

(princess bride, first draft) farm boy. shovel that pig shit farm boy. drown these unwanted piglets in a bucket… please

“on a mountain of skulls, in the castle of pain, i sat on a throne of blood. what was will be; what is will be no more. now is the season of evil. death is but a door. time is but a window. i’ll be back”

powering my house by waterwheel. i order a bucket of water off of ubereats. he comes and pours the water onto the wheel. i order 5000 buckets of water per day. this is what america has come to

me: they should make a candy where the wrapper is candy too. so you can just eat the wrapper wife: so just… loose candy? me: no, that’s… you don’t get it. you’re not getting it

you came out of the loompaland steppes armed to the teeth and set upon your fellow oompa-loompas. you massacred them without mercy, lusting for their cocoa and their cinnamon, just as i have now conquered you for no less noble a cause

okay son, the first rule of chess is. there are no rules. the second rule of chess is no being, like, a pussy. and last. if you die in chess, you die in real life

(autonomous attack drone identifies me and swoops) me: (put on beret, pull out baguette) hon hon hon we are in la france, how can i be zee man you seek, you are lost, hon hon hon (attack drone doubts itself)

(child has medical emergency) mom: quick! heres the ten-digit number of the pediatric lab where she got her blood drawn! (frantically call) phone recording: “if this is a medical emergency, hang up and dial 911” dad: wow, ok! thanks, whoever added that! you just saved a life!

(inside baby clothing company. a man is presenting onesie models) man: “so our final two designs are: a onesie with 3 snap buttons, easy to put on and take off. and a onesie with 75 snap buttons. it sucks and everyone hates it” executive: “hrm. these are equally compelling”

the proposition that you were peaceable elves before the appearance of the clauses is the most fanciful legend of all. you were killing each other for hundreds of yuletides before the first claus stepped foot on this pole

(netflix releases kpop demon hunter) hulu executive: “we should have something like that. an original anime musical, ‘jpop vampire slayer’” amazon prime executive: “we should have something like that. an original claymation musical, ‘reggaeton ghost stabber’”

(God sees adam start to stare thoughtfully at the sheep for too long) God: …it is not good for the man to be alone

(guy demolishing chesterton’s fence) check it out, i’m cutting the gordion knot

montessori preschool with pickaxe, lanterns, deep tunnel, rail down deep tunnel, push cart on rail, quotas, pervasive anti-unionization warning posters

playing the board game “trouble” with 2 players (1 adult, 1 child): a 20-30 minute silly, fun game playing the board game “trouble” with 4 players (2 adults, 2 children): a 6-hour, spiritually grueling meditation on samsara

yes, son, very good job. you locked the door like a big boy. now unlock it and let me in. yes, i see. i see it. what a big boy. let me in