It’s a bit wild out 💨🍃 Footy training 7-8 for the boy, should be an interesting session.

Lazy Tip: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.

Do race horses slow down when they see police horses?

I'm watching the Ryder Cup and it seems there is a link between obesity and Tourettes.

Before we get to Movember if anyone wants to sponsor me to eat triangular Swiss chocolate next month I'm doing Octoblerone.

Aliens: Take us to your leader. Me: I would wait a few years.

Due to budget cuts, Trump will be flying to the UK on Ryanair Force One

It’s Monday AGAIN, yaay! Living the Monday dream🤣 #MondayMotivation #MondayMood

I saw a weird man in Costa the other day. He was just sat there drinking coffee.

I went for a job at Chanel's perfume warehouse. I was scent packing.

‘What In The World’ is our second album to hit the charts. - The 30th biggest selling album in the UK this week. - Number 6 in the Official UK Record Store chart. - Number 8 in the Official UK Independent Album Chart. - And WE ARE BACK at number 1 in the Indie Breakers Chart.

It’s arrived! Looking forward to giving this a spin. Thanks guys @apollojunction.bsky.social @waxandbeans.bsky.social

I don't like to speak ill of the dead. It's much more fun to demonize the living.

Just spotted this in my local Morrisons. You have got to be fucking joking.

Too many cooks spoil the broth could be paraphrased: The more brains, the worse the soup

Rachel Reeves said that she intends to bring the state pension age back down to 65. So long as all of your grandparents are alive and still in work.

The manager of Tesco's is asking customers to stop bringing knives into the stores. He said, "It’s our job to rob you guys."

Science is hard. You gotta prove it, test it, and reproduce the results. Pseudoscience is easy. You make it up, add some fear, and watch ignorant people spread it.

The selection of men’s fragrance in duty free is abysmal and well overpriced. Debenhams online is far better.

Cannot wait for the colder weather. All the obese fuckers will be putting their clothes back on.

I love airports, because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a beer at 6am while in track pants. Nobody cares.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

You’ll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully and lie about your age.

The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.

Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

It's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop at the end.

Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.

I didn’t choose this life – the algorithm chose it for me.

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.

I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.

A wise man once said... Nothing, he only listened.

You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.

This constant criticism of Bonnie Blue is very distasteful. It's like people are queuing up to have a go at her.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I got a kitten for my wife. It was a good trade.

People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

For the next month I'll be wearing pink to raise awareness for people who don't bother to separate laundry.

I just bought a couch from DFS and the salesman said it will easily seat five people with no problems. I don't know five people without problems.

Northern cuisine at its finest 😉😋