Successive governments have closed so many museums, you start to wonder how much Tutankhamen's death mask would fetch on Dickinson's Real Deal.

Christmas playlist sorted 😎

If Bargain Hunt is filmed at genuine car boots, how come the teams never buy any stolen power tools or duty free Russian fags?

There are two certainties in life under a Labour government: Assisted death and Taxes.

Heading out to a gig, on a skool night. Get me! I took the precaution of taking the day off from work tomorrow.🥴

Cinnamon rolls baked by my eldest, I’ll be stealing these later 😁🥷🏻

The Louvre was raided with as much ease as the Germans occupied Paris.

When James Bond is abroad he is known as +44 07?

I only trust one thing in the newspaper these days: Fish & Chips. And even that I take with a big pinch of salt.

I hate seeing these drunks on the street with their cans of extra strong beer. They should pour it into a McDonald's cup like I do.

Violent Swedish gangs are sending assassins to execute rivals, whilst they are holidaying in the Costa del Sol. So if you're going away, beware of the Swedish Guesthouse Mafia.

There's a new board game called Articulate. But I pronounce it, Articulate.

Jess Philips, James O’Brien and Gary Neville enter the castle for Celebrity Traitors.

It’s a bit wild out 💨🍃 Footy training 7-8 for the boy, should be an interesting session.

Lazy Tip: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.

Do race horses slow down when they see police horses?

I'm watching the Ryder Cup and it seems there is a link between obesity and Tourettes.

Before we get to Movember if anyone wants to sponsor me to eat triangular Swiss chocolate next month I'm doing Octoblerone.

Aliens: Take us to your leader. Me: I would wait a few years.

Due to budget cuts, Trump will be flying to the UK on Ryanair Force One

It’s Monday AGAIN, yaay! Living the Monday dream🤣 #MondayMotivation #MondayMood

I saw a weird man in Costa the other day. He was just sat there drinking coffee.

I went for a job at Chanel's perfume warehouse. I was scent packing.

‘What In The World’ is our second album to hit the charts. - The 30th biggest selling album in the UK this week. - Number 6 in the Official UK Record Store chart. - Number 8 in the Official UK Independent Album Chart. - And WE ARE BACK at number 1 in the Indie Breakers Chart.

It’s arrived! Looking forward to giving this a spin. Thanks guys @apollojunction.bsky.social @waxandbeans.bsky.social

I don't like to speak ill of the dead. It's much more fun to demonize the living.

Just spotted this in my local Morrisons. You have got to be fucking joking.

Too many cooks spoil the broth could be paraphrased: The more brains, the worse the soup

Rachel Reeves said that she intends to bring the state pension age back down to 65. So long as all of your grandparents are alive and still in work.

The manager of Tesco's is asking customers to stop bringing knives into the stores. He said, "It’s our job to rob you guys."

Science is hard. You gotta prove it, test it, and reproduce the results. Pseudoscience is easy. You make it up, add some fear, and watch ignorant people spread it.

The selection of men’s fragrance in duty free is abysmal and well overpriced. Debenhams online is far better.

Cannot wait for the colder weather. All the obese fuckers will be putting their clothes back on.

I love airports, because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a beer at 6am while in track pants. Nobody cares.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

You’ll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully and lie about your age.

The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.

Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

It's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop at the end.

Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.

I didn’t choose this life – the algorithm chose it for me.

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.

I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.