L.L. Bean which as you know stands for Ladies Love Bean

I took the plums from the ice box you fuck. and they were delicious. are you gonna do something about it?

the form I make you fill out first before coming over

is there a Mr. Nilly here waiting? Willy Nilly?

you know, there have been ups and downs. mostly downs. associated with you

no one sheds a tear for the hatchet man

to whom do I owe the pleasure?

I hate stories. I tell them out of obligation

yeah lemme get the "missionary position + psychoanalysis" combo with a diet coke

if your girlfriend, that's not your girlfriend, that's your

would it kill you to bounce a little?

I think you and I have two different definitions of "struggle session"

I applaud the effort but the "mommy" thing isn't really going to work for me because I'm older than you. it's just math

remember our motto: The Customer Should Be Killed

the ticking time bomb in my pants

great, thanks

remember me fondly as the guy on top

it's so sick how layoffs get reported to the news a week before any of the actual employees are informed. constant dread rules

a lot of "transgressive art" is just adult oppositional defiant disorder but if you've been around long enough you know this

JOI overlord

everyone's making weird faces at my "I can be trusted with the female orgasm" t-shirt

fainting backwards at the urinal, pissing into the air like a fountain

we have an open door free use policy here

hey everyone. i have a new chapbook out. it's called Surface Dwellers, and i'm trying out a new distribution model for it: either get a real, physical copy for about ten bucks, or subscribe to Garden Scenery for five and gain access to a PDF as part of the deal. read all about it below

preceding all of my opinions with "my sources tell me"

I'm putting together a coalition of the unwilling. harder than I thought it'd be

scientists successfully return toothpaste to tube

not my circus, not my monkeys. not my clowns. not my tiger on a unicycle. not my one eyed dwarf

layoff rumors intensifying. will have to sell my penis

I'll give you external validation all night long

(trying not to laugh) with all due respect,

alright you're done on this side. flip over

refresh

I did what I could (nothing)

my cozy Frost Warning night

refresh

"I love your tattoo" thanks let's just cut to the chase. should I get on top of you

trying to set up a friends with benefits situation with you and the benefit is listening to me complain about all my problems

they really ruined the word "goon" you know I just want to describe a large, moronic henchman

remember, not everyone who will be a creep to you will be as good looking as me so

I'm drawn more to the fragmentary than the explicit

this whole getting darker earlier thing is really cutting into my "wearing sunglasses to hide my eyes" time

the answer is simple. a nation of 200 million plumbers

ah, The Unfillable Hole

when the deli guy calls me "boss" I correct him and say I don't believe in a hierarchical structure

where'd you say this milk came from again?

changing those car stickers to say "baby, I'm on board" with my face in the warning sign