Being chosen is a burden also

I live in a superposition every possible outcome is right here

The sint always wins

I will be the first man to marry a website

Saw an objectively gorgeous woman today and not a pore on my body dilated

You never understand the stupid decisions that people make until you make a few yourself and I am a very understanding man

I just had the thought that if Superman were actually real and were disappointed in me, I would legitimately be upset

If you are ever nervous about anything ask yourself these three questions: 1. Could it kill you 2. Could it put you in jail 3. Could it put you in debt

10K in debt looking for a girlfriend

I wouldn’t mind getting kidnapped as long as I could play video games at the crib

Try slug therapy. Changed my life.

He code switched on me

I prefer foot jobs because they promote creative problem solving skills

Being ugly and horny is inherently shameful

Wizards in WW1 would have their conduits attached under the barrel of their gun like a bayonet

I’ve come here to pay my light bill and spit in assholes, and brother, I’m overdraft.

When I was getting put into a 51-50 hold the psychiatrist I had to speak to first said I looked like I’ve been having a rough year and that pissed me off so badly

They’ve been working on hemorrhoid suppositories like the manhattan project that shit really works

If I became Superman tomorrow I’d still have a porn addiction

Melting in queen xenomorph period

All your ancestors taught tooth and nail so that you can cry fart and jerk off in bed

I killed a man once because I saw it in a comic book

No premarital masturbation.

A father that congratulates your cousin on posting on instagram but not you for having a job and steady income

Is big giant ass the secret to fart

*trying to impress the girl I’m with* my foreskin is so tight I can’t even pull it back.

You study magic long enough, it just becomes fucking gay ass math.

Me and my retarded cousin

Legally changing my name to “Terrorist Miguel”

*man who could mind control me with a scarab* Hey do you fw bugs?

Sleeping in a bed with unfolded laundry and an unjerked off penis. Sigh.

Familiar…

Got Taco Bell instead of hanging myself

When I was on a 51-50 hold the ladies at the facility would flirt with a lot of the people on hold in there

*tit fucks your balls*

In the gym listening to Chet baker gonna hang myself once I’m home

I call people who drive EVs “Teslers”

When life gives you lemons, you’d better have water and sugar already.

So pissed off I can’t even read my comics books

Can I lie down on your floor and cry and fart

More like wallass and gromit

After winning this game I won a game of clue and that really pissed them off

Just won at this game and now all my friends hate me

About to lowball this guy.

Just got auto insurance! Do you guys know any car crash techniques for beginners?

I think every woman should register for a gun

Had an interview and the cunt sounded so uninterested like mother fucker don’t you need people?

Women be like: hello

I think if my smart home wanted to date me I would

My grandma just dropped on me that she believes in Santa Claus at 64