Kristen Doute is saying things that no one has ever been brave enough to say on tv. She is mama.

Wemby should have spend 2 more minutes with the Dalai Lama

huge shout out to all the dads making today a little extra special

Every child unanimously said or signed Fire Fucks” at 3:30pm today.

Drinking tequila in honor of Cinco De Mayo isn't considered a cultural awareness event. No excuse for picking your child up late, slurring your words, and wearing a tank top that says, cinco de drinko…. Not again, Ted.

The Met Gala is a psyop to make you believe we have free will.

this is a 19 year old caucasian named josh

Houston (49 weeks, NY pronunciation) just started baby signing, “clavicular got frame mogged by the Arizona State frat leader”

your vocal stim, you say? your hyper fixation? please stop cosplaying autism

ALL DRINKS WILL BE HOT OR LUKEWARM FROM NOW ON CUZ WE DON’T SUPPORT I**

Farm to table snack is being pushed back a few minutes to determine if the home mushrooms Weir’s (84 weeks) mommies sent are psilocybin or regular. And please remember, we're no longer saying "snack" because the word has a hard, violent sounding “K.”

Elf on the Shelf is a dangerous normalization front for the surveillance police state we’re all sleepwalking into

POV: you’ve been up for 3 days straight receiving ancient wisdom from your silver lake healer and you walk into an intervention

All parents and guardians MUST have an “I Voted” sticker on at drop off. We’re not getting started until everyone has voted. If your child is wearing an “I Voted” sticker, that’s illegal and we don’t appreciate it.

OK who’s doing the Sopranos rewatch podcast The Gabagirls?

The current state of LA is listening to a podcast on the way to an event and seeing the podcast guest when you arrive

tilly norwood was indicted on federal racketeering charges and is currently awaiting sentencing

things must be real bad cuz i don’t even know why the mcdonald’s flag is at half mast

Nobody ever talks about how Rhys Witherspoon sounds like the most British guy in the whole world

manuel-miranda (102 weeks) is talking at length about the “cinnamon togrophy” in “one beebee after a neenee”

NEXT WEEKEND: ONE GABBLE AFTER A DOLLHOUSE

🐔 Rest in anarchy, Buck Buck Obama 🐔

if it gets announced, we’ll postmate the whole mcdonalds menu to celebrate

almos spüky seezn

Congrats to our very own Billy Mommy Brown (47 weeks) who just signed an overall deal with PepsiCo+

teacher stephanie (1824 weeks) hanging with our gen z interns

it’s depressing that we assumed the weighted vest girlies walking near campus were wearing b***et proof vests but here we are in this game show ass hell hole of a country

Saying "I love you" is a disservice to your child. Be specific so they see you acknowledging their unique and special attributes. EXAMPLE: “I love the way you use your telescope to take picture of dying stars” or “I love your eye for summer salad ingredients.”

nature is healing

Welcome to earthquakes, NY. We recommend tweeting about it and preparing an earthquake survival kit (raw water, an 80s grateful dead cassette, poems (TX pronunciation), amino acids, and various crystals)

Op-Ed (58 weeks) has been spewing hate speech (baby sign language) about red dyes (pro!) all week. Have they been exposed to seed oils or something?

literally every los angeles parent you know is yelling at this picture for 70 different reasons

Our first entertainment lawyer was named Perry Menopause

Hearing that some are using this time to “get into” the Grateful Dead. We strongly encourage those exploring to reach our to Shaman Jeff (lost his mind on summer tour ‘91 but found his soul) for his responsibly curated recs. Brooding Dark Star jams can be dangerous out of context

For those young ones asking, “Swag,” the name of the new Justin Bieber album is also a term used by the elderly to describe aura in 2007

our version of the silver surfer is a troubled vet named stanley who resides in our alley and regularly huffs metallic paint

Sunscreen is TOXIC! A safe alternative is encouraging your child to read poetry in a dark, cool room.

We severely miss the time when our “cage free” discussions had to do with eggs and NOT HUMANS. This is not a joke. The Fourth of July is cancelled.

we’re rarely talk about the truly seismic shift that took place in the monsters inc universe when monsters left behind the age old practice of scaring children, replacing the fear with laughter

life is full of beautiful mysteries. like, why are there two trader joes across from each other on riverside in sherman oaks?

we have about 40 toddlers here who are now ny polling experts but they’ve never even heard of rockaway or jamaican queens

Sicario (177 weeks) has a photographic memory. Unfortunately it’s just these two photographs

we can’t condone the “yes and” philosophy for parenting. it’s what got depalma (191 weeks) hooked on clove cigarettes

Helper Faith, our past life consultant, said that we can’t remember being babies because it was too much fun. It would destroy the world.

celeb sighting

no one should be celebrating Father’s Day. Fathers have done nothing but disrespect us, destroy our environment, and make us listen to Steely Dan

No kings. No queens. No princess dresses. No monarchy cosplay whatsoever.

whenever someone says “war” this is immediately where our brain goes

There’s a rumor that George Soros is paying our friends to protest and illegally registering our toddlers to vote. Totally false! He’s just here hanging out and auditing a primal scream yoga course.

tonight’s graduation/fyc gala will feature bites from mírate, anajak, and mélisse plus caviar bumps, white truffle drags, and jamón ibérico de bellota free basing. beats by dj 9/11 truth