A statement from Lindsey Graham’s housekeeper: “I never wear shoes because they make me fall down.”

For some reason, I thought you might want to see this dog.

I’m at the restrooms. I’m at the buffet. I’m at the combination restrooms buffet.

Um, the West Wing already had a logo and doesn’t need your trashy, gold-plated, abuse of taxpayer dollars, casino magnate wannabe letters.

Teddy Roosevelt chose the bear.

I feel like Trump has gravely misunderstood what Roosevelt meant by bully pulpit.

You cannot accidentally do this much Nazi shit.

You know what is less of a drain on resources than appealing a (twice confirmed) judgment to the Supreme Court? Not being a violent predator.

It was the Great AMERICAN State Fair. Not AMERICANSSSS. Obviously it was for one, single, great American. Just one. The turn out of 12 actually far exceeded projections. You just don’t have the best words enough to understand the name. Duh.

JD Vance saw the arch and muttered “Helllllo nurse” under his breath.

The arch was fabricated out of whatever materials were used to construct JD Vance’s face.

How did I hit an age and forget how to sleep while having arms?

Imagine where we could be if those fucking chads hadn’t decided to hang.

The truth is that Mitch McConnell has been dead the whole time and we’ve just been Haley Joel Osment all along.

I am just a girl, standing in front of the internet, asking for some precedented times.

Is McConnell not seeking reelection because he’s dead?

State Fairs are supposed to cause disappointment from rigged games and food poisoning, not… whatever that was.

Your job doesn’t actually start until you find the colleague you can talk shit with.

JD Vance looks like he’s wearing a face on top of his face.

Usha is now being evaluated for necrotizing fasciitis of the knee.

Vance, looking down during the clip with Usha: Nice legs. Usha: Aw, thanks. Vance: What? Oh. Sorry. Forgot you were there.

Vance almost missed his attempt at a playful swat because he was too busy making eyes at the chair.

Is this as funny as I think it is?

Happy Father’s Day to the algae, which has shown better organizational skills and capacity for unifying the electorate than the inept horses ass that caused it.

My mom was a phlebotomist 40+ years ago. When her nurse came to her hospital room to do labs, she asked my mom to teach her. This woman probably takes labs 20 times a day. She did not need help. She knew giving her something to do would make her feel capable and help her get better. Nurses, man.

A doctor, a lawyer, a Master of Library Science and a Secretary of State show up in support of their friend’s husband.

After yesterday, the walls in the dining room of the White House are definitely covered in ketchup.

Also important to note that, even as a completely inclusive event that welcomes all people (as it should), the opening of the Obama Presidential Center is still substantially less homoerotic than any other events celebrating presidents in the last week.

The opening of the Obama Presidential Center is the greatest celebration of any president that we have had in easily the last week. Nothing has happened in the last week that even comes close.

People at the ER just asked my mom to sign a form disclosing her US citizenship. I told her not to answer and told them to shove their form. ✌🏼

So did the guy that made the Michelle Obama comment get knocked out? If not, can he?

Hosting a cage match for your 80th birthday is definitely not queer at all.

My car does this weird thing where it locks when I get in and the mirrors turn in. I have to get out and relock it, sometimes several times, to get the mirrors to pop out. This went on for a very long time today before I realized my 7-year-old was inside locking it every time I unlocked it. 😤

Do they grease the light poles in NYC?

Knicks are to good orange as ________ is to bad orange.

I spend so much of my current life muttering “Bartlet would never.”

My husband would not let me name our dog Mitch, but no one can deny the resemblance.

Hospital getting miserable care from Mitch McConnell.

Remember during the Correspondents Dinner when Obama made a joke about a picture of himself before he was president saying that then he was just a “young, Muslim socialist,” and now the Mayor of New York is that and it’s not a punchline? Badass.

If Trump can run for a third term than so can Obama is all I’m saying.

It seems to me like you don’t have meetings in the situation room for lists you’re not involved with.

Reminder that on Obama's first meeting with the team at the DOJ, he told them that they don't work for him. Just, you know, if you needed a refresher on how *gestures vaguely* is supposed to work.

Are these… are these designer horse hooves?

We missed a real opportunity with the scaffolding. It IS the Kennedy Center after all. Trump Vance List Fuck Ice Rubio Dipschitz

You know the first time you see that friend you love after she gets rid of her deadbeat husband? That’s the glow the Kennedy Center has.

Hey, Sunburned Satan: THAT’s what it looks like when New York cheers.

The craziest lightning and thunder strike I have ever experienced just happened at our house. I genuinely thought it was either an earthquake or an air assault. It was so insanely loud that the house shook and both kids woke up terrified. Is this what happens when the Knicks win?!

Well how about them New York Knickerbockers.

There is one ADA, and his name is Rafa Barba.

Not me, yelling at the screen like these professional basketball players can hear me for a game where I do not normally root for either team.