Closing the Kennedy Center “for renovations” is peak “you can’t fire me because I quit” energy. What would our lives be like if he weren’t so insecure about his tiny baby hands?

JD Vance really will do anything for $5,000.

Also, I would like to see him fight Elizabeth Warren. And lose to Elizabeth Warren.

Don’t we already send two people from every state to fight it out in The Capital? I absolutely think Mitch McConnell should have to fight someone in hand-to-hand combat.

What you’ll find in my search history:

Hey, Apple News? Get fucked for even thinking about publishing this.

The only brand that I’m loyal to is Lisa Frank.

We are closer to the year that Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century took place than we are to the year it came out. Cetus lupeedus, indeed.

I’m feeling like market research of millennial women might be *too* good. A show called “Killer Grannies” hosted by June Squibb?! Now I just need a Spice Girls reunion tour (but with Posh, duh), and they will have me fully figured out.

I’m going to start a True Crime rewatch podcast called “Mormons or Florida.”

Does anyone remember the cartoon Histeria? I maintain to this day that it was one of the funniest show ever made, but no one remembers it.

I wish you a life with childcare who will silently mouth to you, "your mother is here," when you innocently walk out of your office to get something to drink. John Waters walked myself back into my office so fast... She's doing the lord's work.

When your podcast producer has been on vacation, is 5 hours ahead of you and you have had an idea for a week.

If you were a kid who loved stickers and ended up a pile of stickers because WHAT IF YOU STICK THEM IN THE WRONG PLACE?! THIS IS TOO MUCH COMMITMENT. THIS IS A NIGHTMARE. ...hi. Let's be friends.

Me: We're getting an average of 20,000 downloads a month! The universe: Yeah! You're getting almost as many listeners as literal white noise. Me: The universe: Me: ....harumph. Life has a way of humbling you.

It is the responsibility of the older sister to say things like this to the younger brother when he learns that your mother had a total hysterectomy many years ago. Cc: @crediblebs.bsky.social @theghostofbekzpast.bsky.social @joshuaerlich.bsky.social @katieherrmann.bsky.social

15 isn’t a child? Okay. Your daughter is out with a 40-year-old man. I’m assuming you’re good with that?

How are all of these people who I went to school with turning 40 when I clearly just turned 21?

Can someone show me where the trans women and drag queens are in the Epstein emails? Oh. So protecting “our daughters” was a dog whistle this whole time?! SHOCK. SHOCK I TELL YOU.

I get to go to bed with Idris Elba every night. That’s what I named my CPAP.

For the record, I am willing to lend the space laser to Marjorie Taylor Greene should that be helpful.

I’m in bed with a 175 pound male who is not my husband.

Do you think my kids are neurodivergent because I took Tylenol or because I can't wear socks that feel too "towel-ly" inside?

You cannot get autism over the counter.

You ever look around at the state of the world and think… fuck Jim Comey. Just me?

I actually made a list of all of the things that RFK JR doesn't know about healthcare. 👇🏼

You ask me to hate billionaires? On this, the day of Jeff Bezos’s wedding? Yeah, alright.

I don’t know how to explain this, but Jonathan Bailey’s glasses look so happy to be there.

I am not a violent person. I am not a competitive person. But I would cage match fight RFK Jr on national television for free.

I don't want my kids to have a preferred parent. I want them to know that we're both here for them all the time. We are a team. We both love them, and we will both unfailingly show up for them. It's not a competition. That said, all of our dogs should prefer me because I'm better.

Welp, my youngest just said “you can stay out there” when I took her potty at the restaurant we’re at and if you need me, I’ll be sobbing while humming “Sunrise Sunset” in the corner.

Reminder that all holidays are made up and you’re allowed to ignore them whenever you want.

My favorite words of wisdom from my dad that probably someone needs to hear right now. "Neurotransmitters are like bread. They’re preferable when fresh baked and homemade, but store bought work just as well in a pinch." Take care of yourselves.

You think you can’t hurt me? I wore jelly sandals on the 80s. You can’t hurt me.

Found my husband putting up cameras outside of the house. l asked why. "Well, since you're not likely to stop being all yourself on the internet, it seemed like a good time to add some extra security." Our marriage in a nutshell. I run my mouth and he just nods and buys more cameras.

I have worked tirelessly over the last several weeks to compile a comprehensive list of all of the expertise that RFK brings to his role as HHS Secretary. I want people to be clear on where he stands and the background that he brings to this role. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yep. 👇🏼

I heard there’s a taco truck at the end of the parade route.

Trump, right now, is furiously calling the gutted National Weather service trying to figure out how to get them to turn off the rain

Trump would march in the parade but, you know, bone spurs.

Hey Mr. Arnstein, heeere I ammmmmm! This is a deep, deep cut.

If you enjoy me telling RFK to fuck himself, I did an entire deep dive video on YouTube of all of the ways that he can fuck himself

If you listen to Stephen Miller for one second, you know that his hairline is receding in protest.

"How can you joke at a time like this?" Darling, I started my dad's funeral with a joke. I can joke at a time like ANYTHING.

How have we not started calling this a Trumpster Fire?

Tell me you’re raising an anarchist who chooses violence without telling me.

No, those are my emotional support domain names that I bought impulsively because of a fleeting idea. I need those.

If you have autism or you are considering seeking diagnosis for autism and you're not sure what that means under RFK... I just posted a deep dive video about it to the Tubes of You.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I had to.

Did not have Elon and Donald being the messiest Pride Month break up on my bingo card, but I feel like we earned this.

Maybe having two drug-fueled, amoral sociopaths running the government was a bad idea?