There is no greater sign of devotion and affection than the Great Dane lean.

There’s always money in the banana stand.

Not Grizz!

If you’re in the left lane with no one in front of you and lots of people behind you, you are in the wrong lane.

Two politicians are having an argument. One of them stands up and says, "You're lying!" The other one answers, "Yes, I am, but hear me out."

I will never be as fast or as precise as I was when I was texting on a flip phone.

The punctual spouse who is married to the time blind spouse deeply understands how people end up on Dateline.

My 9-year-old has taken an interest in Catan. We are raising proper nerds, and I am so proud.

Listen, I’m all for “eat the rich,” but I can’t imagine that ketamine tastes very good.

I’m starting to think that men might be too emotional to be in government.

If Macy’s can have a one-day sale that lasts a week, you can do anything you want.

I started yelling “Shady Pines, Ma!” at my aging mother, and it is exactly as satisfying as I thought it would be.

You ever worked for someone and thought, “everyone these people hire is an idiot,” and then realize what that means?

Don’t throw that out. It’s a really good bag.

Every time I get in the shower, I panic because I forgot to take off my watch. Friends, I don’t wear a watch. Brains are weird.

Please give the true crime girlies the morning to get organized and prepared after the notification that just went out. This is our Super Bowl.

Get you a husband who will run across a parking lot in the pouring rain, even when you said he reallllly doesn’t have to, because the drive thru forgot your salad dressing. That’s love.

We will not attempt Hot Girl Summer. We will gladly accept Golden Girls Summer.

Life right now feels a lot like putting on jeans right out of the shower. We'll get there, but it's going to be struggle, and it’s gonna feel really sticky.

I checked the bylaws and apparently the mother who has to spend all of Mother’s Day taking care of and cleaning up after people with norovirus is entitled to a puppy. I don’t make the rules, but I sure as hell enforce them.

For Mother’s Day, my delightful, adorable children and their loving father, who also happens to be my husband, brought me a special gift from the travel they returned from on Friday. One I am unlikely to forget anytime soon. Norovirus. It’s norovirus.

Reminder that Mother’s Day consistently has the lowest crime rate of any day of the year. Good for us moms for taking the day off from crimes. Self-care is important, and we can always crime tomorrow. And we will.

I am the only person in the house who isn’t projectile vomiting. I can’t think of anything more Mother’s Day than that.

I attempted the free trial of 2026. It was a remarkably bad upgrade. I would like to cancel please.

If you ever want to know why my phone alarm didn’t go off, check my calculator.

You ever get a targeted ad so perfect that it makes you feel both validated and violated at the same time?

I went and got really good at some things and then I told people that I’m really good at those things and now I have to do those things for a living and it is so much things.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but your anxiety is a lying ass ho.

Can you imagine taking as many performance enhancing drugs as RFK does for this to be the performance?

Me, types: antidajdironsjah My phone: Did you mean “antidisestablishmentarianism?” Also me, types: teh My phone: I have no idea what this could possibly be at all.

Cream-filled Twinkie is an interesting but accurate way to describe Drumpf.

If you're not angry, you're not paying attention but also I would like to stop paying attention for a while because holy shit this is a lot of paying attention.

Just a reminder that RFK has a brain worm that died due to *lack of nutrition.*

I am an executive. There may be some dysfunction.

Husband: What are you doing? Me: Decompressing. Him: By watching a show about a serial killer? Me: Exactly.

I am not a violent person at all but I would cage match RFK on television for free.

Prozac. Every day. For the good of humanity.

My best friend’s mom is my first phone call whenever anything happens. She’s my safe person in this world. I called her to tell her some good news. She replied, “I’m so proud of you, but I’m proud of you even if you just walk up the stairs.” Sometimes grown people need to hear that too. 🥹🥹

We’re in the timeline where the instruction “Gas prices are high and I’m gonna get us nuked so have someone shoot at me so they forget.” is a thing that definitely could have happened.

Listen, if you’re gonna assassinate the guy, you obviously *have to* do it on 5th Avenue. We deserve that level of irony. We earned it.

It’s the perfect date.

Just before my dad passed in 2016, I was sitting on the couch with him while watching a news story on yet another hateful bathroom bill. He was like 78 at the time. He goes “You know, it just occurred to me. If I know what equipment the person in the stall next to me has, I’m the creep.”

We were in Home Depot talking about garage doors with the employee. My kids were being silly and he looked at them and said, “Remember girls, you’re going to think your parents are crazy soon. Just know you made them that way.” My 8-year-old immediately responded, “No. That was their mothers.”

I believe that the decline of humanity directly correlates with the decline of people no longer waving to to thank someone for letting them go in traffic.

Who wore it better?

Today has been long and difficult so I need to decompress by watching shows about murder.

Every family with two children has one who loves pickles and one who absolutely abhors pickles, right?

Okay, sure, not all men. But 62 MILLION OF THEM subscribed to a website to learn how to assault women so probably all men until individually proven otherwise.

I cannot tell you how much my soul needed a mid-credits karaoke scene.

The restaurant messed up husband’s salmon twice. He said “no big.” and ordered something else. The waitress was sweet and thanked us for being cool about it. I said, “there are way bigger things to worry about in the world.” My 9-year-old looks at her and says “We have bigger FISH to fry.” 😂😂😂