Sorry, my "cherished memories"? Oh, do you mean my chair-ish memories? Like, my memories of things that I thought were chairs, but weren't? Because I've got a lot of those…

Killing two birds with one thousand stones (slowly encasing them in a modest tomb)

Rebooting James Bond was too hard, so instead Amazon's going to make James Bun: INT. CASINO - NIGHT A boisterous crowd is gathered around a roulette table. An ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, distracted, stares across the room, her mouth agape. She nudges her friend. ATTRACTIVE WOMAN Hey, look, it's James Bun.

Zero wolf night, shepherds' delight Thousand wolf morning, shepherds take warning

The Lord provides all that I need. My cup runneth over, and my saucer also runneth over, and He delivers me an abundance of fresh towels to absorb the wet fruits of His generosity.

Drove past a bus that I assume was halfway through displaying a Remembrance Day message on its front LED destination sign, but all I saw was a bus that, instead of showing its route number or route name, just displayed the word "FORGET"

A prophet, after preaching every day for thirty years, lay down and died. Three days later, he rose from the dead and in celebration, he and his followers ate and drank and played games long into the night, but the prophet kept losing, and he got so frustrated that he lay down and died again.

An Elliott Smith hits Elliotts with a hammer until they somehow get better.

The wings of some butterflies serve as a defence mechanism by mimicking threats, like the eyes of a predator, or the look on a predator's face when it's about to tell a long, boring story about predation that isn't even that interesting to other predators.

People love MDMA because it gives them the euphoric feeling of being a doctor with a Master of Arts degree.

Good drama is all about moderation: reasonable characters with attainable goals and moderate hubris.

Switching over my Halloween lawn decorations to Christmas lawn decorations (e.g. determining which skeletons look the smartest and dressing the top three like wise men)

Just hit rock bottom (referred to the underside of a boulder as its "rock bottom" in the company of esteemed geologists)

The kind of divorced man who still wears his wedding ring, generally as a necklace, as his decision to shrink himself to the size of a frog was a significant precipitant of his divorce.

Dreamt that I went to a very old natural history museum, and the plaque below the whale skeleton read: "An Fishe swoll'n beyonde Reason"

Language is by its nature multifunctional. It can be used to instruct, to joke, to order soup, to describe a soup you once encountered, to swear because soup has been spilled on your lap, to swear because soup has been spilled into your soup and now you have too much soup,

Some people spend their entire life working in a lighthouse, yet never see a ghost ship of damned sailors, floating above the waves, doing barrel rolls.

Slipping a note to a bank teller which reads: "I have a gun. It's in my safe deposit box."

ILLEGALLY PARKED VEHICLES WILL BE TOWED INTO THE OCEAN BY A BEAST WITH GILLS AND LUNGS AND HOOKS AT OWNER'S EXPENSE (200 KG OF BEAST FEED)

The most environmentally friendly way to package a hamburger is within the closed petals of a large flower, which opens itself when it senses ambient hunger.

"Circus" is literally Latin for "ring," so yes, I do think this is the ideal place to propose.

Thread of posts to help train AI (image of a spool of thread that winks coyly but chastely every five seconds)

All monks understand that a vow of silence is impossible to carry out, since one breaks one's silence with each inhalation, each exhalation, each bursting bubblegum bubble, each inadvertent cry of amazement when a fellow monk blows a bubble that's twice the size of their own head

Walking through the aisles of a Spirit Halloween, getting increasingly frustrated because I can't find a fake tombstone that features my name and dates of birth/death.

A postcard arrives in the mail, the handwriting unfamiliar, the signature indistinguishable, the image on the postcard an impossible landscape overlaid with the words "BLORP: A CITY FOR DRIMBLERS"

From the Twisted Mind of a Guy Who Survived Sticking His Head in an Industrial Dough Mixer

In my youth I ran away with the circus, but I never actually worked for them, I just followed the same touring schedule, visiting the local museums, sampling the local cuisines, occasionally going to the circus.

This Halloween, I will forego my usual custom of draping fake cobwebs over my house's exterior, and instead, to make my home even scarier, I will put up a bunch of signs reading: "WARNING: THERE ARE SPIDERS HERE, BUT WE DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE"

And lo, a heavenly choir sang from above, and their songs praising the glory of God rang out across the land. A choir of the damned also sang from below, but it wasn't clear what they were singing about, as they could only be heard if you stood near a sewer grate or a gopher hole

An effective eulogy should make the subject sound like they were a good person, but not so good that all of the listeners become convinced that the subject must be brought back to life at all costs, and drop everything in their lives in a vain attempt to reanimate the deceased.

Welcome to the Jung-le: Axl and Slash as Archetypes

Local dunce shocks class when he removes his dunce cap, revealing conical skull that fits cap perfectly; greater cranial capacity allows him to perform advanced calculations at incredible speeds and balance his dunce cap more securely

Through the wildfire smoke you can stare directly at the sun, the smoke providing a mask that renders the sun more clearly visible than when it is unmasked, just as we don masks to make ourselves discernible to others, and to ourselves. And now Fern Grey with the traffic update.

Men will hunt moths solely beyond the confines of south-eastern and eastern Europe instead of seeing a Therapis.

To perform the most secret of secret handshakes, each participant must cut off their right hand, and place the two hands in an opaque box, which is then closed, locked, and shaken, so that even the shakers do not know what their hands are doing during the handshake.

I don't fear my nightmares, but instead embrace them, and feed them apples, and brush their long, flowing manes in the moonlight.

Everything I know, I learned on the streets: how to drive, how to use a crosswalk, how to identify a street sweeper,

A man sketches a design for the first wastepaper basket. Dissatisfied, he crumples up the paper and shoves it in his bulging pocket.

Through disuse so many things have simply fallen away: our manners, our traditions, our gratitude to God that it is Friday as expressed through a two-hour programming block on network television,

Guns were originally invented by the postal service, as a way to deliver bullets long distances as quickly as possible.

In order to recapture the joy I felt every morning at the breakfast table, staring at the still forms of cereal mascots on the boxes, I've added a menagerie of taxidermied animals to my breakfast nook: a tiger, a toucan, a white rabbit, a bee, a sea captain,

Every day I have a song in my heart, and it's always "MOVE THE BLOOD (Keep the Blood Movin')"

The highest ambition to which a pumpkin can aspire is to win a best-in-class ribbon at a county fair, and then a few weeks later be carved into a jack-o'-lantern so terrifying that it gives an entire neighborhood of children nightmares for the rest of their lives.

Long gone are the days when the milkman would bring a bottle of milk to your door, and the iceman would bring a block of ice to your door, and the doorman would keep a respectful distance, since you already had a door.

Yeah, I guess you could say I'm a bit of a wordsmith... (Pulls a novel out of a furnace and starts beating it with a hammer)

The Voice of History will not be your own, for you will be unable to speak from the grave. Instead, the Voice of History will be the voice of Jim Bevins, an amateur historian from Ashland, Wisconsin, who was cursed with immortality.

I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, though getting a silver spoon shoved into my mouth was one of the first screening tests I was administered as a newborn, to check my capacity for opulence.

That's one small step for man, one giant leap for steps on the moon.