Thank you for your attention to this matter.

But DOOM is confident boring Epstein news will blow over soon. It's going to disappear. One day—it's like a miracle—it will disappear. And from our shores, we—you know, it could get worse before it gets better. It could maybe go away. We'll see what happens. Nobody really knows.

DOOM is confident that this boring Epstein news will all blow over. Any day now. It's going to disappear. One day—it's like a miracle—it will disappear. And from our shores, we—you know, it could get worse before it gets better. It could maybe go away. We'll see what happens. Nobody really knows.

Many are asking DOOM if this has helped Speaker Mike Johnson think of any questions related to #EpsteinFiles. But DOOM is confident that the answer will reflect the godly personage Mr. Speaker embodies. Perhaps it’s come up during his Pope mentorship initiative?

DOOM has found great suffering in New Latveria (formerly US). The palace of the sundowning figurehead lies in ruins. Innocent, handsome oligarchs live in daily fear of the child victims of sex trafficking. Corporations have been mistaken for people. Hats keep getting bigger.

DOOM has been pondering the phrase ‘right side of history.’ Hypothetical: If Pam Bondi regularly wore the symbol of DOOM’s faith around her neck while she provides cover for the name under this redaction, DOOM might find a reason to speak out against it. But that’s DOOM.

DOOM, in his benevolence, has decided that Peter Thiel may keep that errant DOOMbot. Not because of the eyeliner and false beard. It’s just, that particular DOOMbot, there’s always been something about it … the Latverian term is ‘shithawk,’ but DOOM is unsure if it translates.

The reports that VALERIA was finance by bribes and boosted by paid seat fillers are the ugliest vintage of lies—the kind that are essentially true. If this slander continues DOOM will have no choice but to sue the Central Bank of Latveria for reasons.

Of course, VALERIA is about DOOM’s lost love sacrificed to demons to create DOOM’s enchanted armor. NOT Valeria Richards! Valeria Richards is in middle school. DOOM is evil, but he’s not a monster.

Tickets are still available for VALERIA, a new documentary about transcendent Latverian love directed by a predator.

Fine then. DOOM admits it. That was charming af. #muppetshow

In local news: Latveria’s Parliament unanimously approved The RICHARDS!! Act. All DOOMbots in both chamber agreed that investigations must begin into irregularities around the invite list to DOOM’s very cool and exclusive Knight Rider birthday party in 1986. #kitgate

Mark these words: This will all—and DOOM means ALL of it—end up being about ethics in games journalism.

Across the cosmos, the cry goes out for DOOM’s iron benevolence. On Knowhere, they’re eating the rockets, the aliens that came onboard, they’re eating the groots. They’re eating the anthropomorphic bromances of the cosmic beings that live there.

DOOM’s genius has located the former rulers of New Latveria (formerly US)! An atheistic theological diarchy, it seems US was controlled by a very angry Gargamel—Johann would like him—and a sundowning, alien auctioneer who seems mostly a distracting figurehead—Killgrave would LOVE him!

As the omnipotent godhead of the most transparent tyrannical regime on Planet DOOMth (formerly Earth), DOOM commits to providing regular updates on DOOM’s progress toward liberating New Latveria (formerly US).

It seems that the people of New Latveria refer to their nation not as ‘Egyesült Államok,’ but by the plural pronoun ‘us.’ Impressively egotistical and needlessly confusing, but DOOM will acquiesce and henceforth refer to this new colony as New Latveria (formerly US). You’re very welcome.

Strangly, upon researching New Latveria (formerly Egyesült Államok), I find no one with courage to lead. DOOM must then direct New Latveria’s salvation efforts himself. What DOOM found instead: That DOOMbot Peter Thiel borrowed years ago. It seems he has smeared it with eyeliner and fake whiskers.

DOOM’s final judgement on the matter: While Robbie paid a sum to the other members in 2002, given the collaborative development and lingering substance abuse, considering the manner closed feels unjust. DOOM feels Levon’s heartbreak at Robbie’s absence from Richard’s funeral.

Now that world banks have unanimously recognized Latverian accounting perfection and closed all accounts for study, DOOM turns his genius to a new land of hardship. Though DOOM is told the lucky backwater is called Egyesült Államok, its citizens are welcomed to New Latveria!

DOOM congratulates the Washington Post for such fiscal conservatism while maintaining the power of their propaganda division. As long as no one associated with the organization could be affected by damage to the world economy, DOOM is sure no one will regret huffing their own flatulence thusly.

H-Has a work of fiction ever forced you to reexamine one of the defining relationships of your life? Richards?! #heatedrivalry

Mike Johnson condescended to the Pope on biblical scholarship. DOOM clearly respects a health self-image, but dude!

Do Latverians even care about the Killgrave files anymore? It’s pretty boring stuff. DOOM thinks it really is time for the country to get on to something else.

PROCLAMATION: To assuage any lingering Latverian anxiety after yesterday’s unpleasantness, botycams will be installed on all DOOMbots. DOOM only laments that the domestic terrorist of Mrs. Kowalcyzk’s 3rd grade class of P.S. 616 made this move necessary.

DOOM admits no fault, but the #HeritageFoundation clearly misunderstood that boiling frog analogy when DOOM explained it very clearly. The key is for the frog not to notice your rat-fuckery. Which part is confusing?

The problem with modern villainy is the lack of all subtlety. DOOM lamented just that with Johann and Mephisto before that ill-fated game of Wingspan turned violent.

Millie Calloway is DOOM’s girl! #reading

Reports that DOOM soiled his armor during a recent press conference are malicious slander! That was a DOOMbot’s very natural CPU venting process. Lesser men may question the faith they place in an errant air biscuit, but DOOM is always in control! Thank you for your attention to this matter.

DOOMbots serving in Latveria’s Parliament have been malfunctioning once they near the end of lifecycle. Early warning signs include a stiffening of the central support column and sudden idealogical reversals. More study is needed. DOOM will uncover how Richards!! is causing this and why.

DOOM finds the persecution of Elon Musk an outrage! What is the point of buying a government if entire other countries can hold one accountable for one’s words and deeds at any moment?! Preposterous!

DOOM sends thoughts and prayers to Mitch McConnell during his recovery. May he receive just as much care and compassion as he has given to the rest of the world.

A day approaches when the world will see the truth as clearly as DOOM! On that day the halls of DOOMstadt will ring with a hearty laughter as DOOM turns his full attention to the secret Stranger Things finale.

To honor Latveria’s bicentennial DOOM has ordered the DOOMbots to build a monumental, triumphant arch of 250 feet and 1 inch.

DOOM appreciates the wicked pointy turns of Machiavellian machinations as much as the next dictator, but Stephen Miller makes DOOM really uncomfortable.

DOOM is almighty! Heed this warning, cashier Jessica: If not given every topping that was promised in the little photo, DOOM will issue forth with an online review of such withering, bitchy fury, the likes of which the Creamery of Cold Stone has never seen!