I'm not cool and I'm not smart and I can't even parallel park

Baja blast has gotta have at least some health benefits right

I just saw a bumper sticker that said Jesus sees everything and now I am so embarrassed that Jesus saw me blow up that Starbucks bathroom this morning

Living the millennial dream (driving home to an apartment full of cats)

Has there ever been a flying enemy unit in video games that wasn't an annoying piece of shit

I'm working late ('cause I'm a singer)

Chat can I get an F in the comments for the two noodles that didn't make the jump to the colander 😔?

possible Mandela Effect here but my account used to be funny right

If I were to suddenly realize that I am dead, and therefore be confronted by the sum of all my memories and emotions, I can comfortably say that this was one hell of a run.

Squeak squeak. 👑🐀

I should've taken that job on Alderaan

Sorry I keep changing my profile picture but nothing is permanent and the sun is gonna explode one day anyways ⛵️

I don't know who needs to hear this but appreciation is a love language and is the bare minimum.

As someone with a tough childhood, giving someone else all your love is the most powerful form of healing I know.

Birthday? More like girth day

Please for the love of god teach your kids spatial awareness there are too many grown ass adults that have no clue they're in the way

Turned 32 today 🎂

Heaven looks like a grand piano full of chicken fingers

If I don't make time to be depressed I'll get depressed

Turns out meditating and eating sushi is a great combination.

I have officially maxed out the space I have for my vinyls. Time for an upgrade soon. But this is the collection at this point. 🔮

Economy so bad that grocery bags are becoming a status symbol

I wish my body could just stop making pee

This may just be the autism speaking but

We need to stop assuming that the people in the media we consume are good people. They're regular people with the same potential to suck.

My birthday is this weekend who knows maybe I'll go crazy get drunk and watch all the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

I get like 10 hours of sleep every night 😇

Is anyone on Bluesky ever okay

I have this heavy weight on my chest (it's my cat siphoning my body heat)

That's it. You're going in the pho. 🍲

I didn't peak in high school I'm still out here getting cuter

Snow day successful 🍑

Consider this my formal demand to be reincarnated as a jellyfish next life

Me stumbling upon a hidden boss fight: I am not mentally prepared

Chat we got a snow day today and I'm making pancakes who wants some

Bowel's Moving Asshole

If boobs are measured in cups what are nuts measured in?

In other news: playing Elden Ring is 10x harder with a cat in the way

Real mf hot girl shit

Fighting off your cats while you're eating should be considered a martial art

My social battery is basically nonexistent now. I have like 4 people in my life I actually enjoy being around.

if you see this, quote post with your sexiest selfie I'm not good at selfies but here, have a picture you've all seen before.

I think I've pinpointed the source of 90% of my frustrations: people are idiots

Me anywhere except Texas Roadhouse: Why am I not at Texas Roadhouse 😡

Don't talk to me unless you have a healthy respect for mapo tofu

Turns out 8 shots is my max now that I am old

I am convinced that there will never be a more attractive person than Hayley Williams. It's all downhill from here folks.

Kinda crazy that cats are real ‼️

I'm 3 shots in. AMA?

My current stats Strengths: - charisma - confidence - discipline - long eyelashes - empath - fast metabolism - youthful appearance despite age - aesthetic - cast iron stomach Weaknesses: - neck pain - moderate baggage - stubborn - impulsive - I feel everything - hiccups first sip every time