Weed impacts your memory and a lot of other things but I can't remember what they are

I just want 700 crow friends why is that so much to ask for

Home is where the heart is. In my case, it's the gooch. ❤️🏡

Adventure Time is novocaine for the brain

Internet companies are such scumbags

My wife knows not to rush me at Wendy's. It's my Sephora.

I need the Ents to help us go to war against these data centers

Chat serious question am I valid for being annoyed when people bring gigantic fuckin strollers into small stores or am I being an ass

I am so thankful for my tattoos

My social battery is beyond depleted I am in social bankruptcy

Waiter: how did everything turn out? Me:

Forgive me father for I am about to crop dust this very small bagel store

1 like = one shart

If you see this 🦤 in your feed reward yourself with 2,000 French fries

Chat, on a scale of 1-10, ten being the best, what would y'all rank the word "gooch"?

How do I unfollow myself on this app

Calling someone a litter bug is honestly offensive to bugs 🎤🐛

I'm rolling the fattest joint for y'all rn come and get it

I love preordering shit when it arrives it's like a little gift from past me

What the Fuck is My Hair Doing? An autobiography

You know what they say about gamers with massive backlogs? 😏 (I don't but for me it's definitely ADHD)

God I'm such a sucker for a woman in a pants suit

Owning Spirited Away means I actually don't have to pay for therapy ever again

Taking an edible before I get on the treadmill. Call that a runner's high.

A social battery? In this economy??

I'm sorry I haven't been interacting with y'all as much. I've been kind of dead inside for the past 6 months. I'm going to try to do better.

You've heard of elf on a shelf but haven't you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?

I'm not unlikable I just haven't found my target audience yet

Anyone else got the Summer version of seasonal depression?

"You look happier" "Thanks i got my YouTube algorithm right"

Ironically craving a hot dog now 😭

Tell me why the brunch cocktail I ordered tastes like a liquid hotdog?????

Shakira voice: no fighting

Nostalgia is so good at tricking me into opening closed doors from the past that should have stayed closed.

Look they finally made an emoji of you: 🪎

Peace be with you on this holiest of Chicken Finger Fridays

To do list: be a rat

I romanticize growing old with a dog where the floorboards creek as we shuffle across the house and we both struggle to go up the stairs

Being bisexual means I get to see the worst of all worlds

Small life update: I booked a train ticket in late August. I'll fly into Chicago and then take an observation train all the way to California. I'll be sleeping on the train over the course of 4 days watching the country go by from sunrise to sunset. I'll go to Redwood Forest for a few days then

I don't care what your favorite color is tell me about your favorite species of jellyfish.

I should run for president

I just heard Don't Delete the Kisses by Wolf Alice for the first time in my life 🥀

God I hate Mother's Day. Its complicated.

Ever see a pic of yourself and think boy do I look depressed?

BUT BOY DO I GET SLUTTY FOR A BAKED POTATO

I become such an unfriendly person in crowded places 😭

I just slipped on a banana peel irl it's scary as shit

Whenever a white person recommends a restaurant I have to ask screening questions like do you think PF Chang's is authentic Chinese food do you season your food do you think Swiss cheese is spicy?