Just got off the phone with Mitch McConnell a few moments ago. He's in spectacular shape, we talked for 20 minutes about how he's "so very, very cold" and "regrets everything".

Ran into Dan Rowe the other weekend and he thanked me for introducing some of his class to Lisa Gail.. apparently the post covid classes haven't been big Lisa Gail fans

I make the weed at work listen to Dave Matthews Band and that’s why it always tests at 25%

The workplace that was just given a terminal 5 month life expectancy at best is now chattering because I'm being promoted over people who have been there longer #killingmyself #TheRatRace

Today's morning meeting started with "Yes, you heard right, we are in foreclosure."

Just saw a fancam of Tony Soprano set to Sidney Gish, the CIA is building a profile on me as we fucking speak

Drop the dukes, im gonna hit your throat so hard it fixes your fucked up voice

Finally a good send off to that hell site

@ HawkTuah dont turn on the news today please

"Ummm guys I know we're all working and making dinner and seeing friends, but does it feel like something in our country is wrong? Like anxiety about something bad? Its all terrifying low key.." Foolish. Ellen Show viewers of the world observed the bus drive right past the stop with headphones in.

This pissed me off so bad that I didn't care about my next interview and now I've got a mon-friday union job

"You'll hear from us probably on Friday! Monday the latest!" Tuesday, 7:04 PM:

I did a job interview at a place so pristine and like, above any league of job Ive worked at before and I put on like a masterclass of likable job interview candidate for 99% of it. If I dont get this, there's straight up no God. Sorry, Christians.

Had a dream Hunter Biden was putting on a snake charming show and I sneezed in the middle of it, causing the snake to bite him. I had to administer antivenom, but luckily his veins were pretty hard to miss

Hulk Hogan down. Air Bud Returns. Sorry, BOZO, there's only room for -ONE- Gold Legend Around HERE 💥📢🐕

Two guys came up to me on the street with my friend and the real life quick time event appeared. "Are you guys gay?" "Yeah why" And then they walked away so perplexed. I win.

Logging on, babes

The Zack Snyder & James Gunn cameo scene on Rick and Morty started autoplaying thanks to a shit twitter video, and I viscerally recoiled hearing "Hey, James Gunn" "Oh hey, Zack Snyder-" Out of these two designs that are so definitely them that they no longer look like part of the show.

Run Away With Me by Carly Rae Jepsen is a beast of a pop hit. The blazing horn intro is so jarring that I used it as my alarm for so long, but it still kinda goes crazy hard. Songs got hands. I be crying at work wishin I were running away on some vague picturesque vacation with a man that dont exist

The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou

I'm somewhat of a savant #influencer

i’m on bluesky now because andy mandy told me to and i trust that freak with my life

Mfw I have a good time at the movies

Me showing up to my high school reunion next week

Impeachment this, illegal that, my entire life has shown me that certain people are above those consequences. I need his head to turn into red mist and I need a man in a suit in sunglasses to scrape his innards off a floor

And the Oscar for best, hottest, bestest, coolest, actor ever with the warmest smile, most epic awesome cool man voice, and greatest actor of all time goes to... oh gosh! Willem Dafoe, everyone! *thunderous applause*

They should make Flo from Progressive

OMG... The LGBTQ crowd is MAD because UNCLE BOBBY PROUD is stealing their attention during Pride Month. 😂💀

The public breakup happening in Pride Month nonetheless,,, I just keep winning

Thought I was #safe and #amongpeers at work, but then I brought up I recently watched Beau Is Afraid and was immediately interrupted with "god I cannot watch anything that long" and others started agreeing en masse.

Really thinking about the guy who posted his Wright's Farm & Sam Adams on r/food

Obsessed with that video of Paul McCartney mimicking the screamer in his crowd

In my near perfect social-credit based society, if you post a tiktok of your own face greenscreen/reacting over someone else's video, that's an automatic -5 points. It scales based on how much your face covers the original video and how much input you offer. You can lose up to 25 points per video

I know the pain of being a soldier on the frontlines, but when they shave the top off my iced coffee at dunkin, I feel it. I'll never say anything. I can see all the air in there. That coffees got room to breathe. Square footage. Dont even need a lid. But they know I'll be back for more...

My dreams over the last month went from "YOU JUST GOT SHOT." "SOMEONE JUST SHOT YOU WITH A GUN UNPROMPTED AND YOU WILL GET SHOT IN THIS DREAM AND THE NEXT." to like "Remember that old acquaintance? Here's you guys chattin it up now. You're proud of each other. Life could really be this."

>Get part time job >say i only want 3-4 shifts a week >get put on for 5-8, still part time if its 72-80 hours for biweekly pay >thiskeepshappening >manager yells one day "if you guys keep calling out, we'll just start cutting your hours!" >hmmm

The litmus test for America wasn't in 2016 ,as many would believe. It was actually in 2012, when we foolishly embraced a white charlatan named "Phillip Phillips" as our own American Idol.

Dear lord, please let it be a chill, awesome, and epic white boy summer this year. For me. #PeaceAndLove

Someone keeps breaking into my car and tearing it up and finding nothing. Yep. Its dirty and needs a vacuuming #GetFucked

Every day feels like this

Two extremely mid-low-paying jobs, one beat up car to share with a partner who is also working full time, $500+ monthly student loan payment because my sweet dearest mother picked the worst loan repayment plan possible, epic economies, bills, dread, and so on But something about art, man.

I hope the notifications I just got that assigned me 8 shifts in a row for my overnight part time job are an april fools heehee

Being an adult and talking to a yappy grandma is kinda peak. Nobody is safe when Grandma Judy has somethin to say. She'll drop nuclear bombs of family lore in passing just to accentuate some other story she's telling. Thats so real.

Very old man came in to work wearing a Löded Diper sweatshirt, stared at the himalayan salt, then loudly said "THERE'S MERCURY IN THAT. JUST LIKE THE SNAKE VENOM IN THE VACCINES." His buddy grunted in agreement, and then he yelled "SHUT THIS PLACE DOWN"

"In season one, the innies are like children. Naive, feeling out their world. In season two, this is kind of their adolescent season." Just great shit. Im deranged. Hate that you understand and know exactly why things go down the way they do. Sets things up for even more. My chest hurt all episode

What are the all time straight TV romances. Im talking people that love each other. Yearn for each other. Desperate to make it work, feels real, and it works for the audience as well. Not one nice episode out of 300 of silently tolerating each other. Im talking Kim Wexler and Jimmy McGill level

Time to watch this scene on repeat and cry until 9pm tonight

Seth might work late on Thursday so I will spend the night prepping an egg bar for Severance S2 finale when he returns 1) i never get to do shit like that for fun and shits & giggles 2) i fucking love deviled eggs hoooooooly fuck