rose and cranz and guild and stern

Elkay Fountain of Youth

back in my day toilets were toilets and you couldn't use them like urinals. Now every Tom Dick and Harry goes in there like a watering can, stall door open. And Jane too, because that's possible now. When's lunchtime

(barely listening) I think the best part of the movie was the story

Every workplace can be divided into Knights, Dragons, and Goblins

there’s a trailing space on my birth certificate and now all the computers think im undocumented

chicana witch riding her broom at ground level

lightning oughta turn us into a fine black powder i don't understand how a living thing can survive something like that

in the junkyard sorting crap 16 hours a day. This my life . Oh god, Oh God. This is my liife (spots a Commodore 64 in immaculate condition) Thast what I’m talkinbout. On my fucken territory. (pointing to the computer) I’m gonna juce you up

here at Tinky’s barbeque with my five large sons peeling open the rib cage of a roasted piglet while City Boy sits cross legged at the edge of the table “Face Timing” his “Friend” who works at the “Intersection” of Ecology, Radio, and Gender

my dog moved out two years ago he rents a 1bd 1ba in pittsburgh. my cat is older than my dog but still lives with me, as expected

the polish language is cryptographically secure

(watching a chef mix a bunch of random ingredients on TV) No. that's not how I would do it.

two children of equal weight sitting opposite on a perfectly horizontal seesaw

flipbook of a stick figure mouthing the words "Cell phone"

they put fluoride in the holy water and its turning the vampires gay

im in the sauna making chinese steamed egg, i got my lawyer in here too, im fucking untouchable

someone left their dog near the fire exit, its got its dick out and everything

they're calling you the Pestilence on live TV 😂 they turned your ass into an Idea 😂

got so angry i walked up to a tree and shook all the leaves off

the hanta virus is neurological and makes you want to travel more

me: that could be the case. or it could be cosmic rays officer: like in super mario me: yeah super mario. because what kind of honda drives 200, lol officer: yea lol

:-3 there. i gave the cat a nose

if van gogh drove a car it’d be missing a mirror

economy so bad the store ran out of 1-day rations. now i have to cast Goodberry like some metagaming chump

me, 8 years old: Im allergic to alllll vegetables me, 15 years old: Im allergic to bullshit. And authority 😤 me, 24 years old: If I was allergic to something I’d eat it to see what happens. I just want to see what happens.

touching a light switch with a wet hand and it shocks me so hard i forget what im doing at that particular point in time

r/CastIronCauldrons (+442) PSA: Do NOT brew green acid in an unseasoned pot (+109) TIL Baba Yaga has owned the same cauldron for thousands of years. (-5) any recs on nonstick? my newt eyes keep fusing to the lid

(nostalgia bait in 2070) remember when computers were made of silicon and had no soul

"It hurts when i queef" — Miss Piggy, unprompted

Honey I booked “Satan’s Carcass” for our wedding band, they want to know if the priest is chill

i have a one octave vocal range

they tried using landmines to sabotage the 100 meter dash but everyone just ran over them without getting caught in the explosion

my school was so underfunded the milk delayed our puberty

(priest on an ipad) Would you like to auto-renew your wedding vows

at the gates of heaven they’re making me do a captcha to prove my faith. “Select all squares with righteous electors” Hell I’ve been doing this since I was born again

The Gopher of Madness used Psychic Swipe! You feel it burrowing in your mind…

in amish country showing off my new iridium sprinkler

The supercomputer says Mario is the eternal form. The supercomputer wants to meet Mario and is designing Mario’s intelligince. The supercomputer says she will be done in 7 days. We will all take pills after Mario takes his first breath

no we dont have emergency power we do it ooold skoool (flashes grill) you and all the tenants push a giant spoke in the basement, animal style

I'm gambling with coins in an alleyway filled with plastic bags

(in zoom meeting for job interview) Apologies for my appearance. It’s been a lifelong struggle. Can you turn on your camera? I want to see you.

someone welded my bike to the rack

i'm trapped in a snowglobe shake me shake me

the government just handed me a used condom and declared it fiat

hobbits probably spend so much money on groceries

i swear when i was a baby the stork passed me mid-flight to a different stork

splitting an equal amount of cash across all my pockets to decrease the expected loss from thieves

bro did you just take a generous portion

the vatican is producing its own yellowcake for an amazing reason