New newsletter: an argument for more ballroom | Anglo-Saxon hijinks | a groundhog. "What is a ballroom good for exactly? The simplest answer: holding balls."

FINAL CHAPTER - the Revelations of Travis. "I see God and mammon worshiped together, for God has become mammon and mammon has become God."

Starting to think the Supreme Court might need a fresh paint job and a couple more seats….

Child had a meltdown over a package of sidewalk chalk. Who would have thought, a $1.99 purchase made months ago could cause such agony?

Hard to argue with this.

Don't worry* folks! Our Best Little Boy is on the case! *actually, worry.

Imagine that call to Matt Stafford. “Hey man, we’re about to punch ourselves in the face right now. Wanted to give you the heads up so that you can get a head start on worrying that we’ve collectively lost our minds. See ya for camp, Matt!”

OH WHAT ITS NFL DRAFT DAY?! Jesus, I’m out of the loop. This is traditionally the Detroit Lions’ Superbowl and I almost missed it!

Look: my problem with The Man in the Yellow Hat is not the hat. It’s the rest of the outfit. What is going on with the pantaloons? He lets Curious George crash with him, so clearly he’s cool. I have questions is all.

New Chapter - almost to the end! The Apostle Paul meets a "hermit" living in isolation who shares some dried fish and some wisdom with him.

May Tim Cook forever be remembered as Tim Apple, that guy who tried to bribe the worst man in the world with a gold plaque.

Habibi

Anyone else getting these new Army ads on their Spotify? “Hey mom! Having a great time in the Army! We’re going surfing!” WTF is this? Also… any recs for a good Spotify replacement?

More evidence that the backlash to bigotry is coming, when these guys have to start distancing themselves from themselves.

New chapter! "I have done nothing but try to promote you and your nonsensical message of love and peace. I think I am entitled to some sort of answer to my trials and tribulations, or even a miracle to help me out of this disaster in which I find myself now."

What is this? Accountability? In THIS country???

This is going to surprise him, but nobody gives a shit if Donald Trump likes the Pope. You want the Pope to get along with you? Stop doing so much evil.

I get people who are like “You’re American - you should want Vance to succeed.” But the things he’s trying to do are bad. Why should I want him to prop up a Hungarian dictator? Why should I want him ‘negotiating’ a peace treaty when he’s so clearly out of his element? He’s America’s fail son. F’em

If you can’t beat them, join them and/or also quit!

Oh cool. As long as we’re bringing back all of our old prejudices, we can revisit the Know Nothings. Hooray. Much easier that than dealing with the fact that much of American Evangelical Christianity is anti-christian.

My kneeeee hurts because a cooold front is coming - WHYYYY did I get so OOOOOOOLD?!?!

One of the drags of this waking lunatic’s fever dream is that even when something good happens, you can’t enjoy it. Oh? We’re not nuking Iran tonight? Hooray. But also, whytf were we going to in the first place? Tariffs rolled back? Great. Also, fuck. Yippee - what is wrong with us?

This feels like the high water mark for MAGA foreign policy - a self-made crisis where America is made to threaten war crimes because our leader cannot admit his fuckup. This reminds me of Putin threatening to nuke Ukraine. That didn’t work out well for him either. So cool that we’re Russia now…

New chapter! "'The highest good is love, meaning to love our God and to love others. But... we cannot love others if we do not love ourselves. Therefore, love yourself first and foremost... and let what love remains sprinkle upon the faces of whosoever remains.'"

Yoooooooooooooo!! Hail to the Victors!!!!

McKenneyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

I really appreciate that Zohran is able to do this sort of thing authentically for every different faith group and ethnicity in New York - really gives you the sense that he actually likes and appreciates all of his constituents.

"By week one, I was already tired of his anti-rich, pro-Samaritan bullshit. I wanted to take a course in Christianity, not liberalism."

It used to be I’d see a commercial and I’d be like “oh, Nabisco has a new cookie!” “Oh, this beer commercial is funny!” Lately, I see some ad for a tax prep company or a betting app or an AI service and I just want to burn everything down.

Cadeau looks like Neo in the Matrix

McKenney! Someone pull him off of them! They’re already dead!

Pretty wild, this whole ‘no Catholics allowed at our Good Friday pro-war services’ thing. The battle to preserve Christianity as a religion of peace and caring is what inspired me to start writing this satirical gospel about a year ago. FWIW everything Jesus says is a straight quote from the bible

This should surprise no one, imo. Next year, it will be nondenominational fundamentalists only. By the way, exclusion from this sacrilegious dipshit’s services should be worn like a badge of honor.

Is it a coincidence that the first two cabinet members to lose their jobs have been women?

Pam Bondi? More like Pam “Long Gone”-di!! Right? Because she got fired? By the way, what more can a sycophant do? Hard to imagine someone debasing themselves further than Pam Bondi.

I used to worry so much about accidentally dropping my baby while I carried him and now he routinely tries to gouge my eyes out.

Oh my God April Fools amirite?! Just kidding - it’s still just March 31st. How’s that for an April Fools, eh April? Did… am I doing this right?

What the hell ever happened to ‘the show must go on?!’

New chapter: The Acts of Travis 'Those who believe... will be rewarded with riches and security, not just in the next life but in this life as well. And when the Kingdom of God is at hand, they shall each have a villa in heaven. Provided they make their down payment here, to me...'

Happy to hear that Michigan made it to the Final Four - sad to miss the game. On an unrelated note, anyone have any tips on how I can get my 18 month old son to stop slapping me in the face and take his nap?

Pico Robertson - welcome to the resistance, Subway branch and also Chase.

No Kings - get out there if you can! Will see you at Pico Robertson in LA

Trials and tribulations of a delivery robot | blood sacrifice requested | Ask a White Man re: islamophobia.

It’s like… if they stick to their principles… and show some backbone… then… good…?

Quel dommage

New Chapter: The Passion, or unintended consequences "If I could play physician to you, I’d give you a very simple remedy. I would prescribe money.... Money does not promise you peace or love or eternal life. Money is money. The only disappointment with money is in not having enough of it."

Dragged kicking and screaming into a war of choice with no obvious solution in sight? What's a poor Superpower to do? Board of Peace to the rescue, baybee. nattopping.com/board-of-peace-not-iran/

Grace and class incarnate.

Another day in the quest for world peace. Hey, quick question: what do you guys know about geography?

Eid Mubarak baybee