Feel like such a hypocrite writing “dear diary” when we both loathe one another. #Frenemies #Diary #Life #thing

People say Frankenstein(tha monster) is ugly but I think he’s better looking than George Clooney and Brad Pitt put together. #Frankenstein #SelfImage #Monsters

Without going too much into detail,,,does anyone out there know their way around the Paris sewers? Bonus points if you have a small skiff. #Paris #Lost #FrenchAlligator #FightToTheDeath #europe

Congrats to the Moldy Scones for getting inducted into the Rotten Roll Hall Of Fame!!! #DadJokes #CryForHelp

nationalzoo.si.edu/webcams/chee... #cats #BigCats

When a morbidly obese sexual predator calls you Piggy, it’s time to reflect…

What you call ‘Frankenberry’ is actually ‘Frankenberry’s Crunchy Monster’ #Frankenstein

Maybe he was blowing Hubba Bubba. Now that’s a better defense.

Guardian Angel? No. I want a Gordian Angel, an angel I can cut in half. #Angels #alexanderTheGreat #Broadswords By the way, that last hash was “Broad Swords” not “Broads Words”. #Clarity

Paywalled magazines that won’t let you read the articles but still show you the ads.

MUSIC TRIVIA: U2’s song “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” was originally titled “The Refrigerator Song” #Music #MusicTrivia #U2 #80s

Would you care to see my collection of squashed bugs, Madam? #Insects #Bugs #Romance

They have to change the spelling of #Republican to Prepubelican #Epstein #Emails #Politics

Trump killed the roses and is building a bunker. #History

Comedy is like sex: It’s not about material, it’s about delivery. #comedy #sex

eight minutes away from a #Teams meeting. yuk

Tom Brady spent a lot of money to let a rescue dog die.

When I was a kid my parents sent me to Space Camp. I learned about Feng Shui and nothing else. #SpaceCamp #FengShui

IN THE FUTURE—Serious crimes will be punishable by Ray Guns Misdemeanors will be punished by Ray Fines #Pun #RalphFiennes #GetIt?#OkSoItWasntFunny #Future #FutureShock #Justice #DrunkWhenIWroteThis #WhoLikesFries

Time to torch the #JackOlantern #Halloween #Pyro #flames

I use hemlock to poison my enemies because it’s organic and of the earth, and you know that can’t be bad.

Look, kids: Science! #Vaccines #Science www.sciencedaily.com/releases/202...

After Halloween trad:: Pumpkin Burn

When the #threeStooges came back as #Zombies I quickly dispatched #LarryFine and #CurlyHoward with an icepick but my wife was hesitant to kill the last #Stooge . When I asked her why, she said "I'm just a girl who can't slay #Moe ." #ZombieApocalypse #Oklahoma #MoeHoward

A #Breastaraunt called Cooters thats equal parts Camel Toes and old guys still angry about Pearl Harbor.

Shot on #16mm in 1999, we retransfered and recut it this year for your viewing pleasure! m.youtube.com/watch?v=J7d2... #WesternSwing #Retro #ModernCountry #RetroMusicVideo #TexasMusic #DallasMusic

The first time I heard the expression #GivingCunt I thought “ #ShelSilverstein , you’ve done it again!”

Sometimes in prison I would shank my cellmate, not out of anger, but because I knew the make-up sex would be incredible. #Love #relationships #prison #sex #stab #Death #life

Nobody is scrappy anymore.

“Fluff it with a fork” is good technique for cous-cous, not so much for pornography. #food #cuisine #love #andreaTrue

A while back while watching a sunset in the park, my wife and I met a nice couple who were interesting, educated, cosmopolitan, engaging, likeable, and fun. We all sat in the warm spring air and had a good time watching the sunset . We're terrified that we might run into them again. #introvert

Full moon last night,,,,, #fullmoon #crazy #Werewolf

I’m glad my 1st wave feminist mom died before anyone described her as cunty.

The country is run by people who still eat off of the children’s menu.

Hemmingway? fuck yeah! I love novels without adverbs!

You don’t have to say MARKY MARK AND THE FUNKY BUNCH. Marky Mark Implies the Funky Bunch

BOO! Ghost beer!

The scariest movie ever made? Scary Movie. its right there in the title.

Under the wire.

Challenge: take a bowling ball to the top of the Empire State Building.

The Monster Mash and O Holy Night serve the same purpose But different holidays

Looking for the connection between marsupials and mascarpone.

Weird that the psycho killer speaks French. I had him pegged for Tagalog.

Out of razor blades. Can I substitute x-acto knife blades instead? Asking for a fiend.

left the porch light off, opened the door and found 17 trick or treaters dead in the front yard. Safety first, people!

The Royal Lodge is what (Prince) Andrew called anal. #Andrew #stripped #EpsteinFiles

Happy #Halloween! Here's my dog's super spooky butt! #TheThing #Spooky #JohnCarpenter #Dogs #Pets

I remember when Kathy Bates was just a mean girl rumor in high school.

Happy #Halloween! Here's my dog's super spooky butt! #TheThing #Spooky #JohnCarpenter #Dogs #Pets

The Blues was specifically created so upper-middle-aged white men can feel like musicians on the weekend. #Blues