Yeah boss, I got the song that’s going to play when you enter our toy store, really creepy and disturbing just like you asked for… youtu.be/JKtqIiUBCPE?...

Me after eating 3lbs of mashed potatoes and 1 bite of turkey: uh oh, getting tired, tryptophan must be hitting 😏

At my funeral in lieu of music please play voice clip compilations from Command & Conquer: Red Alert.

She’s serving.

Corgi screwed again.

Just saw someone I know post "it's inflation day!" and was like oh there's sickos everywhere but it turns out they were talking about setting up for the parade.

Becoming a member of the pluribus would fix me.

It's almost time. Feeding 15 people and I won't let anyone else cook any of the food because that ruins Thanksgiving for me.

Dry brining 6.3lbs of short rib, this is definitely the most I’ve made at one time. Marking as graphic because this is a lot o’ meat and some of yall might be vegan or whatever.

Men will stand in the arctic circle holding a lit stick of dynamite to avoid going to therapy.

Another criminal set free by this administration.

if I were in charge at the DMV, all vanity plates would be subject to an additional check I refer to as the “does this make you look cooler or not?” rule. Unfortunately, 99.9% of existing plates would fail this check.

I feel like something lost in the Nuzzi discourse is that the worst thing about being in love with RFK is not “journalistic integrity” or his physical deformities it’s that he’s a genuinely evil person. Like he is actively hurting a lot of people every day. You have to be really f’d up to love that.

Gen Z doctor put 🔥🔥 emoji in my colonoscopy report when discussing my internal hemorrhoids.

Just to get ahead of the story, yes those are my emails with Jeffrey Epstein in the archive, but they are being taken out of context. All our correspondence was about our shared love of disturbing giant oil paintings of US presidents.

I used AI to envision what my cat would look like dressed as Legolas for halloween.

It's good that the dems showed how stupid and feckless they are, for a while there I was worried I had time-slipped into an alternate reality and when that happens you can unleash dimensional gremlins, it's a mess.

Visiting NYC on Sunday, does anyone know if salah is mandatory when entering or exiting the city or only when I hear the adhan?

They put a tube up my butt and I didn’t even get their number is this bullshit ps get screened for colon cancer it’s serious.

Under no circumstances should you trust a fart while doing colonoscopy prep.

Just wrote in Dick Cheney for the NYC mayoral election (I live in Philadelphia)

Vegita telling Cell he got strong by drinking plenty of juice is an especially hard flex because you know Vegita understands that fruit juice contains almost no protein and would therefore not be a good basis for a nutritional plan focused on strength-building.

I think today is the day I start following baseball, haven’t really been paying attention so far this season but looking forward to really getting into it from now on.

Hmm I'd say the accuracy here is really quite good.

I don't think it's good to always skip the intro of the show you're watching. Sometimes you need to make sure it's the right show.

Cat jumps on wife's lap and starts purring so loud I have to turn up the volume on the TV.

Sitting for hours in front of a chalkboard staring with chin in hand deep in thought like Einstein, except the only thing on it is "HOW GAY AM I?"

Danya. Damn. This sucks. RIP 😞

What’s it say about me that I’ve seen the musical / movie multiple times and yet whenever I hear “Guys and Dolls” my mind immediately plays the fake song from the beginning of this Simpsons clip? youtu.be/hAsQrOLfYzY?...

Toasting a bagel should be a faster process.

I wish we emphasized more in our standard discourse / education how little sense racism makes in general. It's not scientifically valid to divide people based on race, it's an outdated concept with no value other than justifying historical atrocities.

I finally got a new instant pot (which for some reason was on sale for $70) many years after my last one broke, now I’m going to make chili, it’s autumn, bitch!

I'm so tired of the tradition of all dead generations weighing like a nightmare on the brains of the living.

My only conservative belief is that I miss the donuts they had at Wawa before the pandemic.

gay conversion therapist whose job is to make you gay

I wish more people knew that in his original appearance Galactus was only around 10ft tall and he dressed like he just got back from dancing on a float at Pride.

I felt as if millions of voices suddenly cried out, "you're gay!", and were suddenly silenced.

Who wants to party? 💊🤪😴

I had a major breakthrough in my weight training this year when I realized I’ve always had naturally large thighs / buttocks and so leg days were extra hard for me and I didn’t need to do them anyway so I stopped.

I love talking to my friends on computer :)

me when the twinks are not being obliterated

I think this is a lie tbh. It's 2025. We have the technology to prevent this. The Doritos people want to cover it up but the truth will get out.

His widdle toof destroys me every time.

What goes on in here?

Calling it now, someday one of the arguments for why we can’t ban guns will be because we will lose too many jobs in the school shooting industry. www.ideastream.org/npr-news/202...

Good morning.

The main thing we excel at as a country now is putting guns in the hands of young white male dipshits.

When scholars review the history of the late twentieth century they will conclude that one cultural artifact is the key to understanding the era's zeitgeist, this song: www.youtube.com/watch?v=03_N...