Aldi in Bearwood has recently bolstered its security presence to counter a recent spate of shoplifting incidents. Store manager Hazel said, "Our supermarket is normally full of beans, but due to the recent thefts, we are currently completely bereft of beans!"

Someone may need to check on Sandwell Council to make sure they're ok....

This mysterious poster has appeared at Warley Woods with Jesus seemingly offering a 'Son of Man' with Van service. In this economy it's sad that even carpenters need a 'side hustle' to make ends meet. Cheap! Clean! Coming Soon! The poster is not Council-affilated.

Here's a document detailing the causes of deaths in Bearwood in 1998. The 1900's really were a different time!

We've received a report of a person seen today brazenly using the printer in Abbey Road Post Office to print out counterfeit currency. You Wouldn't Steal A Car You Wouldn't Steal A Handbag You Wouldn't Steal A Policeman's Helmet... Downloading and printing money in the post office is a crime!

Filming has started for a brand new TV soap opera set in the north (Cape) end of Bearwood. The soap will have The Windsor Complex as its social focal point We are able to exclusively share the intro credits!

We've now installed official Tourist Information points in the Craft Inn AND 1000 Trades On The Park so please do pop in, grab a drink, grab a guide and read all about: 🍺Bearwood Beer Mile (Updated!) ☠️Bearwood Catacombs (Intriguing!) 🗿Bearhenge (Magical!) 🏰Warley Castle (Turrety!)

If you are venturing out on foot today, we would recommend wearing your council supplied ice skates as the pavements are very slippy. Officers will be grading residents skating performances, and anyone seen skating in a 'controlled and graceful manner' may be recruited for our Winter Olympic team.

January is normally pretty hard on the hospitality industry, so why not make it your new year's resolution to try a new food place? Thankfully Bearwood has plenty of options in that regard, and we have crunched the numbers (reviews*) and present to you the top 40 restaurants in Bearwood!

A giant fertility statue has appeared in Warley Woods. The snow statue, which bears similarity to the Venus of Willendorf is thought to represent 'The Queen of Bearwood' who is a local deity. It is thought to have been built to celebrate female fertility and bring good luck.

A new 'memorial sculpture' has been installed in Warley Woods titled "CHEAP SLEDGES IN PILES". It is a thought-provoking piece on the inclination to chase instant gratification at the expense of long-lasting contentment.

The snow may be causing havoc, but doesn't it make the bridge over Thimblemill Brook look lovely!

Last night in Bearwood:

A suspected Snow Leopard footprint has been spotted in Lightwoods Park (snow for scale). With all the recent snow it is perhaps no surprise. We expect the arrival of the big cat to result in a welcome decline in the resident grey squirrel population.

Since 2024 it has been an offense for domestic properties to display Christmas decorations after the 6th of January. Council officers will be on patrol from today, issuing £50 fines to any households they feel are 'too Christmassy'.

A momentous day, as the live bus display at the bus stop outside Specsavers is now working again. The display, which last worked in 2022, had until now, been blank and emitted a loud noise every 6 minutes similar to a 1992 Amiga PC screaming in digital anguish, startling many a waiting passenger.

Some of our older residents have complained to us today about schools being shut due to the snow, and suggested that "kids today are too soft". Please rest assured that whenever the schools are shut due to snow, we send the children down our 'Educational Mine' to put in some 'hard graft'.

The following schools in Bearwood are closed today due to the snow: St. Bearu's Primary - engine stoker off with flu. Bearwood Naval Academy Barklay School for Hyperactive Cockerpoos Swordswood Fencing Academy. Frightwoods Goth School The following schools are open: Warley Woods Ski School

When an outer circle bus mysteriously disappears from the live timings board at the bus stop on Bearwood Road....

Yes, we ARE aware that a time portal has opened on Gladys Road. Several cats have already entered the portal and travelled 5 seconds into the future. This has resulted in two of the same cat occupying the same temporal space... a 'Time Puradox' if you will....

The piste is open! The overnight snow means conditions on the slope are currently good at Warley Woods ski resort. The ski lift is in operation and the pavilion cafe is now offering an après-ski service including vin chaud and cold Austrian lager. Their famous fondue is also back on the menu!

Filming has today begun in Bearwood for a new dystopian reboot of the Teletubbies. Rather than cuddly monkey-like creatures, the new Teletubbies will instead resemble analogue TVs perched on top of wheelie bins.

New Year, New Hobby? If you're looking for a new activity in 2026, the 'Warley Woods Pagan Magic Sax Cult' are apparently recruiting new members! The group, which isn't a cult, engage in 'outdoor ritualistic sax' every full moon at Bearhenge. Percussionists also needed.

Spoiler warning in case you haven't seen it yet, but the big reveal at the end of Stranger Things blew our minds...

Never fear, Dame Julie Salters is out in Bearwood, gritting roads to make them safe!

Two children were spotted playing inside the old Thimblemill Baths building this morning. Obviously accessing abandoned buildings is very dangerous, so if anyone knows who they are could you please let us know, so we can contact them to explain the dangers and warn them not to do it again.

There's a lovely view of the Northern Lights over Bearwood this evening. Either that or the flashing police car beacons have got brighter...

Rejoice! Today marks one of the most important celebrations of the festive period - the first post-Christmas bin collection! As is the custom, on this day, we have duly updated Bearwood Council's nativity display to include figures of the bin men.

A celebrated local tradition is the 'Boxing Day Fox Hunter Hunt'. The hunt sees participants, dressed in fox masks and black and orange attire, try to track and chase any fox hunters operating locally. If a fox hunter is caught then a 'good-natured beating' is roundly administered to them.

It's Christmas Eve babe, in the indoor market Last minute gifts to buy, from unique promotions, And then we sang a song "The Bear for festive booze?" We made a Christmas card With best council wishes for you....

A new acrostic poem has been spotted on the window of TC Hayes electrical shop. The evocative work is a follow-up to their previous acclaimed tercet: Hayes Ways Pays These poems will be featured in an upcoming poetry collection, by TC Hayes himself, titled 'Ariel, and other electric poems'.

Local Police are apparently trialling the use of smaller patrol cars to help more easily navigate and park in the narrow Bearwood streets. Unfortunately due to their reduced size, the cars will only be able to respond to small incidents.

We are looking to implement various 'traffic calming' measures on Galton Road. Once the measures are in place, any drivers observed acting in a manner deemed 'non-calm' will be required to attend mandatory yoga sessions.

An unfortunately-worded sign displayed on a bin on Galton Road has caused a number of pedestrians to stop and freeze on the spot. We've already had to carry 13 imobilised people onto our council truck and take them for 'resetting'. We've now added the words 'THIS BIN' to make the sign clearer.

In very exciting news, currently on tap at 1000 Trades On The Park is a beer from the *Other* Bearwood in Berkshire. Obviously we are very unhappy about this, and plan to deploy missiles accordingly!

One of the viral trends of 2025, was 'B6-7' which was inspired by the B67 post code district that covers the western side of Bearwood. The term, popular among younglings, is used as an absurd interjection whenever the B67 postcode is mentioned and is often accompanied by flapping hand gestures.

Two days until the Winter Solstice! To help you celebrate, we've dropped off some free Bearhenge guides at the Warley Woods shop! Why not pop in to grab one (before they disappear!) and while you're at it you could do a bit of Xmas shopping!

Fun Fact: A local variation of the 'Marco Polo' game involves a player who is "it" shouting "Edgbaston" and the other players all responding by shouting "a leafy suburb of Birmingham", which the "it" player uses to try to find them.

This weekend there's some fun live music at The Abbey. We've heard that the Number 57 Band will be debuting their new Christmas Single: 'Beary Xmas (War-ley Woods is Over...There). They will also be playing other Christmas classics such as: X8 Ride (Bus Stops at Bell End)

People wonder what Father Christmas does the rest of the year when he's not delivering presents. Well, we can exclusively reveal that he drives the no.82 bus! There was a near incident last week, when three passengers briefly believed he had called them 'hoes' as they got on the bus at Cape Hill.

Warley Woods Church famously boasts a holy relic known as Carol's Cervix (which for archaic/traditional reasons is spelt here as 'Servics'). The venerated organ is displayed in an ornate golden reliquary, and paraded around the streets each year at Christmas.

To celebrate the re-opening of The Midland we have updated our Bearwood Beer Mile leaflet. We will hopefully be installing our 'Bearwood Tourist information points' in a number of local venues very shortly!

🎉Our *Citizen of the Month* award goes to Bart, who was left so bereft at the loss of the 'Cheap Paint Shop', destroyed in a fire earlier this year, that he has spent 5 months painstakingly recreating the iconic building using Lego! The model will be put on display in Thimblemill Library.

Make your tip trip magical, by visiting Santa's Grotto at Shidas Lane and receiving a mystery recycled gift! Will it be a garden gnome? A lamp? A soft toy? Who knows! Grotto visits are free, but you need to book a slot via the website. Unfortunately all slots for this weekend are fully booked.

To celebrate the upcoming winter solstice, we've put together a visitor guide for Bearwood's most famous ancient stone monument - Bearhenge! We will be distributing some free printed copies of the leaflet shortly. Watch this space!

Earlier today, firemen spent two hours trying to rescue a cat stuck up a tree on Lightwoods Rd, before realising it was a Drag Queen's wig - which had seemingly escaped when high winds unfortunately coincided with Saturday's Bearwood Winter Pride event.

We've recieved hundreds of complaints about our new Christmas display on Warley Water Tower. We are sorry for any offense caused. The sign was obviously meant to read 'Let It Snow', however the octagonal shape of the tower meant that the sign spacing ended up in a very unfortunate place!

It's heartening to see Birmingham Council are taking a leaf from our book, by making their council meetings more interesting by integrating an element of costume drama. Just so residents are aware, the fancy dress theme of this week's meeting is 'goat bishops'.

This morning a 'parachutist was seen seen running away' in Warley Woods. We would like to allay any fears - we were simply carrying out army training exercises. Our council helicopter is broken so our paratroopers are trying to simulate a g-force effect, by 'running really fast down a hill'.

A *Christmas Miracle* has been officially declared in Bearwood, as a red Honda Civic on Lightwoods Hill has seemingly started to lay eggs! A leading non-divine theory put forward by skeptics, is that a local mechanic must have accidently fitted an 'eggshaust' rather than an exhaust.