Best eaten from a paper bag at the high school football game

Went to buy the turkey at Food Lion. Butterball because duh. The damn thing was $67. But I was like whatever I’m hosting. So I got it and a few other things and the total was going to be $93. Then I scanned my MVP card. Friends, I paid $46 total. Basically got the turkey for free 😭🖤

Entitled white women bothering people just trying to do their jobs are the worst but when they have an upper midwestern aaaack sent I swear it’s enough to make jail time look worth it

Dry brining a turkey with a metric fuckton of kosher salt and herbs + some Kerrygold butter slathered on top and under the skin before roasting is my secret to impressing my grandmother and in-laws

I admire the unrelenting optimism of people who, with every horrible revelation, believe that *this* time it’s going to end him.

It must be a law of physics that smoke detectors can only start chirping at night

Well that’s an easy block

Patron: that’s a pretty ring what is tha— oh. 😂

Did you know if you dress like this and walk with confidence in knee high boots, people in the grocery store will part like the Red Sea in front of you?

I deserve fangs

Vampire spring: sacrifice & resurrection. Catholic aesthetic Vampire summer: stifling southern gothic. Anne Rice we love you. Vampire fall: everything dies & we celebrate it. Not just for witches bitches Vampire winter: cold darkness & mausoleums. 30 Days of Night I’m not elaborating further

Trying to make appointments is hell. Them: is there a day or time that works best? Me: Mondays and Wednesdays are best bc I’m off work Daughter’s doctor: oooff well I don’t offer in office visits those days My dentist: your dentist actually doesn’t work on Mondays and we’re closed on Fridays

The more I read on library Reddit the more I realize I landed a unicorn library job lol

When you get to play princess in your own closet 🥰

I think it’s weird to be friends on social media with your boss or instructor

As I was at the self checkout, I overheard a boomer man berating the attendant about not getting a gift card with his purchase as advertised. It’s for reward members, which he wasn’t. He proceeded to tell the girl he’s spent hundreds of thousands of dollars there and deserves better 🙄

Husband thought the 6ft Christmas tree I put on the porch last year was my daughter’s bedroom Christmas tree so she put it in her room. Now I’m stuck looking for a porch decoration. You try telling a girly 14 year old that she can’t put a 6 Ft Christmas tree in her room

As an official Goth, I’m certain I could fell Roman helmet guy

I wear an XS in literally nothing else but I found a ✨gorgeous✨ red dress with a basque waist & scoop back that’s stretchy on the top & taffeta on the bottom &the perfect “just above the floor” length in that size. It was the last one on the rack & it fits 😭🖤

I get so happy when someone says “I’m looking for this book, but it’s not on the shelf.” And I find it for them. Or when I’m pulling holds and the book isn’t where it’s supposed to be but I find it on a shelving cart. Basically I love my job so much 😭🖤

I know I’m cute because some Gen Z goth girls said I am

I asked for this for Christmas and my husband didn’t even blink. That’s why you gotta marry someone who’s into your weirdness

Book 36 of 2025! This is a romp aboard a hedonistic pleasure cruise with emotional vampires. It's queer and nonbinary and VERY spicy. I found it funny and entertaining for what it is: a quick novella w a unique twist on vampires. Didn't love the ending but it's a fun story.

No Ken Burns for me, thanks. Although I’m delighted to report that today I discovered my library shelves Shelby Foote’s Shiloh in fiction. Where it belongs

Woman checked out 104 books today. One hundred and four. Used 3 library cards. Did she want a receipt? Nope. So it’ll be our problem when she comes back to hold up the line to say “I know I can drop these off but can you please check them in for me so I can be sure we got them all back in?”

If you’re not screaming along, are you really a millennial?

Officially almost 20 pounds lighter than I was when I got my tattoos. And they still look good 🖤

When an awful haircut in the 90s makes you look like your dad in high school in the 70s

My cousin found and showed me an old ID card from when I was 9 years old and the biggest thing I learned is that I’ve only grown 10 inches taller than I was at 9 years old

Things I’ve heard as a tattooed, goth library assistant: You’re not demonic, are you? That necklace is very…different [name of other goth employee in the reference department] was the first one I had to get used to. I’ll get used to you too

Glen Powell. Justified or not, I just don’t get good vibes

This fucking marketing tactic needs to DIE. I like my saggy boobs and I’m not buying some TikTok shop Temu bra because some monetized mom says I should. Also, I’m literally not plus size. I wear a size 10. Not the target demo for a plus size bra.

🚨Your attention please 🚨 Christmas bats

Survived another 9 hour day at the library. If anyone needs me, I’ll be unconscious on the floor

Whoosh 🪄

When the lorge scary boy is actually a big ole baby who is afraid of the chirping smoke detector and mommy has to go to work

7 years. About 5ish pounds lighter. But OMG I WORK THERE NOW and I got to wear a costume to work

Today is my daughter’s birthday and one of her friends gave her $10 as a gift and she used it at the book fair at school 😭😭😭🖤🖤🖤

Girls who read Bunnicula in 2nd grade sometimes grow up to be 40 year old women who wear Dracula book earrings to their library job

Love is: being at a hibachi restaurant and you’re seated next to outspoken Christians who love your governor and keep asking about church and your husband mouthing “you ok?” Because he knows you’re internally screaming

Picked up some queer smut at work today and it’s FANTASTIC

I know I’m good at my job because a lady called in to put 5 books on hold and I had her name up and the books found in under 2 minutes

A guy commented on my tiktok about my gorgeous Frankenstein book to say “sorry, but I got that beat. Google XYZ’s version if you want to see a real masterpiece.” I deleted it lol. Argue with the wall and go bother some other woman.

Hi I looked like this today

Dr. Jekyll’s Beverage Company

JUST PUT THE GAME ON GOOD LORDDD I don’t need the documentaries

Ain’t no damn way this dude is 3 years younger than me

I feel small in my chair at work now. I think I’ve lost at least 15 pounds since I started in June lol. Meds + working in a busy library will do that

Making artisan skull bowls out of the craniums of everyone talking shit about GLP-1s.