IT'S LIKE WE DID GET Chauncey Gardiner for president, except for the malevolence, the grift, and the megalomania.

THE REAL PROOF that music makes you feel good is that 96% of Big Pharma TV commercials show the happy pill poppers playing musical instruments.

TODAY'S ANSWER TO "WHAT IS THE LEAST Important Thing You Have Learned by Being Plugged In for the Last 48 Hours?" Shedeur Sanders's first name.

WHATEVER YOU THINK of downsizing the federal government, and "running government like a business," two facts: 1. Restructuring is a specialized game that requires expertise. 2. Elon Musk doesn't have any. www.nytimes.com/2025/04/24/u...

HEGSETH'S CHIEF OF STAFF, 13 weeks in, had been discussing his exit "for weeks," and is, as Sean Hannity for years referred to anyone who called his radio program, "a great American." Pictured: An organization with better cohesion, clarity of mission, and happy hour.

ATTENTION NEWS DESKS: Whether the story was "Gazillions Turn Out for Protests" or "Nobody Turns Out for Protests" it was a story. Where the hell is it? Several million of us got out of bed this morning looking for it.

THINK OF THE WORST SALOON you've ever been in. Not in terms of a toilet you don't want to sit on, but in terms of ignorant, misanthropic assholes sitting at the bar. Update: They're gone. They're all in Washington as part of Donald J. Trump's government. www.nytimes.com/2025/04/20/u...

JUST WHAT DEMOCRATS NEED: A 25-year-old vice-chair of their own party marking elderly office holders for removal, like old trees. www.nytimes.com/2025/04/15/u...

THE GOLD SUBSTANDARD We've all noticed Trump's gilt. Half of us have commented on it. I can't shake the images. All around the White House I see Russia.

ON MONDAY MR. MADOFF assured investors they would receive 46% annual interest on their investments, plus a complementary Mercedes and chauffeur. On Friday he said his clients were on pace for 0.5%, unlimited e-bike usage, and free trash pickup for two weeks.

GRASSLEY FED BEEFS The caucus was raucous and Chuck was dumbstruck. www.nytimes.com/2025/04/15/u...

TODAY'S RAY of genius, soul, and respite from the tone-deaf authoritarianism we inflicted upon ourselves. youtu.be/oF6j-U2X1iM?...

IF TRUMP RUNS SCARED over blowback on his other tariffs and just keeps playing chicken with Xi Jinping, by July it will be cheaper to shop at TIffany's than Walmart.

THE GOOD NEWS: Marjorie Taylor Greene is not as abysmally stupid as I thought. THE BAD NEWS: She is even more shamelessly corrupt, hypocritical, and unfit for office than I thought.

WHEN I SEE cabinet members pledging allegiance to the Mendacious Moron and his unequaled wonderfulness I think of workers & workplaces familiar to me & I puke realizing those at highest levels of government kiss more ass in 30 seconds than I or any colleague I respected kissed in our entire careers.

ONE FUN THING about living in the Trump era is that honest hyperbole is impossible. Just let 'er rip. If it's about the awfulness of this megalomaniacal moron, chances are good it's true.

SHARING -- AND POSTING my occasional reminder that Gaza -- all of it, every city and neighborhood and potential Trumpist beachfront condo ... the entire strip -- is exactly the size of the city of Detroit. www.nytimes.com/2025/04/09/w...

GOOD NEWS: Trump MIGHT be punching himself out & the Rope-a-Dope MIGHT be working. BAD NEWS: He is less than 3/48ths through his constitutionally prescribed time in the ring, and he gets to stagger, crawl, and flail away for another 45/48ths of four years.

NO OFFENSE INTENDED (really), but I follow people on social media to read their posts of interest. If the only thing (sic) I see on your timeline is posts touting your books, I will not be following you.

NY TIMES NEWS JUDGMENT ALERT: I didn't watch one minute of the NCAA tournament. But I woulda read a reefer headline telling me who won. Your online "Page One," which DID include a recipe for a peanut butter & jelly crumble & news that Elton John and Madonna have ended their feud, shoulda done that.

I'M 83, SO I REMEMBER Joe McCarthy, the Comics Code Authority, and all kinda crazy shit. That is NOT the part of the '50s I am nostalgic for. www.nytimes.com/2025/04/07/h...

AS THE MENDACIOUS MORON plays "Oops -- just kidding!" while tanking the world's money markets, we can only hope he doesn't get around to playing the same game with nuclear weaponry. He's neither stable nor genius, and he's on schedule to become the oldest president in history. So don't bank on it.

WHEN MATT DRUDGE HAS BETTER NEWS JUDGMENT than the New York Times I almost want to join the masses and just read opinion, movie reviews, sports, the crossword, and tire ads.

LEGENDS IN THEIR OWN MINDS Elected yesterday to the It's Good to Be the King Sports Hall of Fame, both before the first ballot.

ONE (1) MAN HAS THE POWER to crash the world (sic) economy. By himself. Without advice and consent of a legislative body. We are witnessing the Madness of King Don. While pretending to be a democracy.

BERNIE IS RIGHT ABOUT THIS. Problem: In the Digital Age, without a shared news media experience, the populace is free to embrace pseudo facts. Pseudo democracy is no surprise. Find a way around that and you could save democracy. Good luck. www.cbsnews.com/news/bernie-...

SPENT THE NIGHT in a warm house. It was fantastic. Occasional deprivation is life's continuing education class. Knowing the difference between needs & wants is foundational to leading a good life. Also helps separate Trumpists from normies.

THE YALE HILLBILLY & the Mendacious Moron himself must sit around dreaming up ways to image the New Ugly American. Example: Send the VP to foreign land you insist you are going to grab & do photo ops not with locals but with U.S. flags & American troops already on the ground, you know, just in case.

THE 1929 RUN ON BANKS was nothing. Trump is ginning up a full-bore run on trust in **everything**. Vaccines. Education (K through grad school). The courts. News media. The arts. Government itself. HE is the false flag. America will either wise up or implode. www.nytimes.com/2025/03/28/h...

WELL, THERE WAS NO ONE left at Fox News to hire. www.defensenews.com/pentagon/202...

NO TWO THINGS -- not even ham and eggs -- go together like tyranny of the majority and the Digital Age.

HEY! I'VE GOT an idea! Let's elect an insane moron president so we can have masked cops arresting people, tell a treaty ally we're gonna march into Greenland like it's Sudetenland, and order the Smithsonian to stop exhibiting stuff we don't like. Just for this afternoon's trifecta.

IT'S A WHICH HUNT. Hypocrites and liars beyond compare. The whole damned lot. We will be extraordinarily lucky if we survive them. www.nbcnews.com/politics/rcn...

THE FBI DIRECTOR just testified, with disdain, that he has not read the Signal chat. That chat has dominated Washington news. The loyal opposition yesterday asked the FBI to get on the case. Kash Patel says he hasn't read as much as you have. Trump's term is only 4 years. Patel has 10 years left.

ONE COHORT THAT no doubt would have colorful thoughts about the Yale Hillbilly and the Mendacious Moron saying to hell with Europe and trying to annex Greenland on the way out the door.

Thinking there is (was) a young naval lieutenant in Mike Waltz's Signal contacts, identified only by the initials in his rank. Kinda speculative. But it's more information than I just heard by listening for an hour or two to our nation's intelligence establishment testify.

AWAKENED THIS MORNING in a phase where America seems so dumbed-down and disengaged there's no point in paying any attention. Especially at my age. But then you realize these assholes are going to drive this bus off a cliff before it even gets to my stop. Buckle up.

HERE IS HOW a deranged president of the United States -- or your typical Guy on Barstool #7 halfway to last call -- talk. (They don't, however, talk this way about patriots who smear feces on U.S. Capitol walls while head-hunting for the vice-president):

WATCHING THE MENDACIOUS MORON say he's not going to kill a department's major programs but he's going to kill the department and move the programs someplace or another is like taking a Zoom course from Trump University.

HOW REALITY intersects right-wing rhetoric about government spending: TWO-THIRDS of nursing home residents are on Medicaid. Most of the rest are on their way. Maga Mike, Elon, Mendacious Moron ... got anything specific to say on that? Or is talk-show bullshit your whole game?

TIMES PUZZLE PAGE LANGUAGE for "today's Mini made the TV Guide crossword look like Rubik's cube."

THE GREATEST birth name to stage name switch in entertainment history has to be: Tula Ellice Finklea to Cyd Charisse That's Ms. Finklea dancing with Astaire.

I'D ALMOST BE OK with sending the Statue of Liberty back to France if we replaced it with a statue of Liz Cheney.

Q: HOW ARE UKRAINE and the U.S. Capitol alike? A: Donald J. Trump has no problem with invasions of either one. www.nytimes.com/2025/03/17/u...

Mindless Assholery Gutting America = MAGA.

I USUALLY WATCH Trump toss his word salad. I've said for years if more people did, more people would realize he's insane. I didn't watch him today, and realize I've had it backward. Just do sound bites and you know he's 1 rutabaga, 1 potato, 1 carrot, 1 onion, and 1 possum shy of a road-kill pasty.

SHITKICKERS LIKE ME despise inside traders more than anything but inside traitors. If Trump drives down the stock market with wild-assed tariff threats, then -- like Lucy holding the football for Charlie -- withdraws those threats, he will nail the daily double: Inside trader AND inside traitor.

I'M A CENTRIST and a pragmatist. Some of my leanings piss off my prog friends. But to avoid misconceptions, I added a line to my profile. Old man. Harumph. Used to play newspaper. Still play horses and piano. Honorary radical left thug.

WHAT WE ARE SEEING is more like Rome fiddling while Nero burns.

PRESIDENT PITCHMAN doing his thing. Call 1-800 WHITE HOUSE and you can finance a Cybertruck with bitcoin futures, AND get 10 percent off a wedding reception at Mar-a-Lago.