SO MUCH FOR IRAN'S NAVY BEING OBLITERATED. They just swarmed the Strait of Hormuz with mini subs and are now firing on cargo ships. Not only that, they just responded to Trump's offer with a counter proposal that basically reads "Fuck you. We do what we want. That's our terms."

My mom, my sister, my girlfriend. All the kindest and most redeemable aspects of my personality can in some way be attributed to the women in my life. Without their influence, I'd be a far more monstrous human being. Happy Mother's Day.

I want to be a good person. A kind person, someone who listens to better angels and indulges in the milk of human kindness. Tragically, I'm surrounded by dead-behind-the-eye dipshits who piss in that milk constantly, so you're just going to have to fuck off with that warm fuzzy nonsense.

Yes, the right wing dipshits on the Virginia Supreme Court overturned the will of the voters in terms of re-districting. No, it isn't going to make any goddamn difference. Democrats will still easily gain the House in a historic landslide. Save this post for future enjoyment.

By voting for Donald Trump, you forever forfeit your humanity in my eyes. This is even true for blood relatives. I see you as a scourge on the planet. A pestilence, not a person. I could never empathize with someone so fundamentally worthless and irreversibly fucked in the head.

I just want every lever of the federal government to be weaponized and used to make the lives of Trump supporters miserable. I want masked agents storming into their churches. I want CPS to randomly inspect "home school" environments. I'm a one issue voter: GIVE ME REVENGE.

LIE AFTER LIE AFTER MOTHERFUCKING LIE! Iran is firing at our fucking destroyers and hammering our military sites. Trump just struck Iran back while having the fucking nerve to say "this doesn't mean the ceasefire is over." FUCK ANY "JOURNALIST" PARTICIPATING IN THIS PROPAGANDA!

ATTENTION: IRAN IS CURRENTLY GOING APE SHIT BOMBING OUR MILITARY SITES. They appear to be launching a significant attack across the region, all as our demented dipshit "president" is trying to gaslight the world about some fictional peace deal. AMERICA LOOKS SO FUCKING WEAK!

BWHAHAHAHA. You gotta love when fascist fuckwits punch themselves in the dick! DeSantis absolutely fucked the GOP with his DUMMYMANDER. If turnout is anything like 2018 or 2020, Dems could GAIN up to 3 seats in Florida thanks to his new map. I'm telling you people: GOP IS FUCKED.

THE PARASITES ARE TERRIFIED OF A BLUE WAVE! The White House Counsel's Office is running panicked briefings for staff explaining what congressional oversight is. Using PowerPoints to illustrate why they must be careful of what they put in writing. LOCK ALL THESE MOTHERFUCKERS UP!

MARK MY WORDS: Roy Cooper is gonna win. James Talarico is gonna win. Graham Platner is gonna win. Mary Peltola is gonna win. Sherrod Brown is going to fucking win. I'd bet my life Democrats win the Senate. Rendering Fetterman obsolete and keeping Thomas & Alito's seats safe for Dem Justices.

THE "ASSASINATION ATTEMPT" story is falling apart rapidly. Now, apparently, the "shooter" didn't even fire off a single fucking shot! Obviously, I don't support suspending the Constitution. But if we did, start with ARRESTING EVERY SINGLE MOTHERFUCKER CHEERING FOR A "BALLROOM."

Who thinks they went like: "Mr. President, you're officially more unpopular than Nixon when he got impeached. Less popular than Carter and Biden at their lowest points. Good news is we can always stage another assassination attempt. You can even heroically resume the show!"

BY GOD, IT'S BEDLAM AT THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDANTS DINNER! REPORTS THE ENTIRE BUILDING IS BEING EVACUATED DUE TO SOME MAJOR THREAT. HELL, VANCE PROBABLY PUSHED HIS WIFE INTO A WALL TRYING TO RUN AWAY. TRUMP OBVIOUSLY PREPPING FOR ANOTHER PHOTO OP!

THE SECRETARY OF THE NAVY HAS JUST RESIGNED. GENERALS ARE DESPERATELY TRYING TO MANAGE TRUMP'S DEMENTIA. America's military leadership has been completely gutted. A purge of all real professionals is ongoing. We've never been so fucking weak and pathetic on the world stage.

I'm hearing Trump tried to literally nuke Iran over the weekend, but was prevented by General Caine. Who knows if it's true or not. Every single day is something soul extinguishingly shitty with this confederacy of dipshits, so absolutely nothing is beyond belief.

Erika Kirk is failing miserably and is unlikely to maintain her current role as America's Chief Cunt for Christ. SAD!

ABC NEWS STILL INSISTS ON FAKE PRO-TRUMP HEADLINES EVEN WHEN THE ACTUAL VIDEO EXPLICITLY STATES THE STRAIT IS FUCKING CLOSED. ARREST ALL OF THESE MOTHERFUCKERS FOR COMPLICITLY IN TREASON AND MARKET MANIPULATION!

Now that Iran is opening fire on oil tankers, every news outlet should issue a retraction. Every journalist who mindlessly went along with Trump's lies should grovel and apologize for sucking so much ass at their jobs. Then they should resign and flog themselves publicly.

Every single major news outlet mindlessly reporting Trump's statements as fact needs to be charged with complicity in market manipulation. It is absolutely Orwellian how even ABC news is reporting the Strait is open WHEN IRAN'S MILITARY IS TELLING SHIPS "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? Eat a dick!"

I can't get over this shit. Trump just plagiarized Obama's Iran deal, made it exponentially shittier -- and then after convincing the world he was about to implement it -- it all turns out to be complete bullshit. Yet again, just a way to play the markets on a Friday.

I FUCKING TOLD YOU! It was all one big ass market manipulation. The Strait of Hormuz is not "fully open." It's not even fucking half open. Literally nothing has fucking changed. A handful of ships exempted by Iran are passing through after paying. INSIDER TRADING STRIKES AGAIN!

Let's be real. America got its shit pushed in by Iran. Iran's once crumbling regime has been resurrected politically, emerging from this war with more power and prestige on the world stage than it's had in ages. It gains $20 billion and gets to charge tolls like a bridge troll.

We've seen this movie before. The White House hypes up some magical peace deal and starts blowing sparkly unicorn farts out of its ass for the markets. Only to shit itself over the weekend and pretend no such agreement ever happened. A classic pump and dump for all the chumps.

JESUS CHRIST, CORPSE ON A STICK! Not only did Trump double down on blasphemy by posting an image of him jerking off Jesus, but now Pete Hegseth is LITERALLY preaching a fake gospel quote straight out of PULP FICTION. It's like MAGA is an elaborate prank by Reddit atheists. WOOO!

I want to call every MAGA Christian family member and acquaintance I have. Get baked and just preach to them about how they need to accept Trump as their new lord and savior. Congratulate them on feeding their souls to Baal and Moloch before growling "HAIL SATAN!" and hanging up.

STOP THE BLASPHEMY! I just had a heartfelt conversation with Satan. He's fucking pissed, man. Donald Trump can expect a lawsuit for defaming the character of the anti-Christ. The true anti-Christ will be a badass who taxes the churches and ushers in universal healthcare. Not this... dementia dick.

We CANNOT let Iran have nuclear weapons. So, uh, that's why we have to blockade their blockade even if it means picking a fight with China, who is an ACTUAL nuclear power capable of slaughtering 90% of America's population with the push of a few buttons. 4D DIPSHIT CHESS!

JESUS CHRIST, CORPSE ON A FUCKING STICK! I'm an atheist and that'll never change. But as someone raised Christian and forced to watch shitty End Times rapture fiction like "Left Behind," it is fucking CREEPY how Trump fits every single goddamn depiction of the anti-Christ.

You gotta fucking love it, man. Trump is setting everyone up for political failure. JD Vance is sent to a failed negotiation and leaves Pakistan with his little dick in his hand. Meanwhile Marco Rubio is at UFC watching sweaty men punch each other in the face and simulate sodomy.

A friendly reminder it's possible to oppose the war and despise Trump without dick riding the fucking "Islamic Republic." AI generated Lego videos and rap songs don't change the fact the Iranian regime uses industrial cranes to hang young girls for "crimes against chastity."

Let's be real. The average UFC fan possesses a sub-human intellect. I mean, just supernaturally stupid, dead-behind-the-eye dipshits with a deep passion for homoerotic violence. The fact Trump can't even get cheered at these freak shows is a testament to his political peril.

I could never be a politician. I'd have to pretend to respect protest voters and disgruntled MAGA dipshits. Some kumbaya bullshit. When in reality, witnessing their suffering is one of the only pure sources of joy in 2026 America. Their pain is chicken noodle soup for my soul.

Every single crypto wallet associated with the Trump crime family must be seized by the next administration. Anyone with eyes sees the blatant pillaging of our tax dollars, the corrupt influence schemes. Leave every rotten fucking Trump spawn destitute and imprisoned.

I'm not a nice person. Hell, I'm not even a good person. And never once have I claimed to be. You won't make me feel shame for my shitposts. I'd like to say I respect those who disagree with me, but often they are insufferable dipshits. So, ya know, that'd be a lie.

Just finding out about the Eric Swalwell shit. Is this another Al Franken or is there actually hard evidence that he did something illegal? Not pre-judging here, just real fucking curious. Timing is pretty fucking suspect.

SAD NEWS: I've put an immense amount of thought into this, and tragically, it simply isn't feasible to send every Trump voter to a labor camp or deport them to Yemen. Sure, it'd be hilarious at first. I mean, insanely satisfying. But it simply isn't logistically or politically practical.

No sympathy, no empathy, no forgiveness for any of the demonic fuck trophies that Trump has the audacity to call "children." Every single one must be rendered imprisoned or impoverished. Preferably both. Plenty of crimes there if you dig. A Democrat AG better bring a big goddamn shovel.

America's First Lady is a career hooker with a sick incestuous passion for her deformed freak son. Melania entered the Epstein Class by sucking off history's most prolific pedos, including her husband. Vast DNA evidence destroyed with the help of her whore mouth. SUE ME BITCH!

It's sad, but a whole lot of Americans would've had no problem going on with their life even after killing Iranians by the millions. Well, so long as America came out swinging the biggest dick. But, uh, Trump and Hegseth went to Iran and came back trans. Bottom surgery and all. No balls to be found.

AMERICA'S BIGGEST FAILURE SINCE VIETNAM! HUNDREDS OF AMERICAN TROOPS WOUNDED OR KILLED SO WE CAN REPLACE ONE KHAMENEI WITH ANOTHER KHAMENEI 30 YEARS YOUNGER! Is this what they died for? Uranium still being enriched! Was this worth killing hundreds of little girls?

Hegseth is such a fucking joke. Completely detached from reality. America is like some belligerent dickhead who picks a fight at a bar, gets his ass kicked and then has his girlfriend stolen by the dude he attacked. Hell, even gets talked into paying a fee to watch them fuck. AMERICAN HUMILIATION!

I'm surprised Trump didn't offer a piece of Ivanka's ass to the Ayatollah as part of this "ceasefire". COMPLETE CUCKED OUT CAPITULATION. Over 300 wounded or dead. $40 billion spent, our bases abandoned. Iran charging a toll like a goddamn bridge troll. WHAT THE FUCK DID WE WIN?

Iran has never been stronger on the world stage. It has shattered the myth of American invincibility and secured a massive new revenue stream. Its dying elderly Supreme Leader has been replaced by a son 30 years younger. The regime has solidified the support of its people. EPIC CLUSTERFUCK!

As a human, you are grateful that the president is a hyper emotional blowhard that fails to follow through on his threats of ushering in one of the greatest genocides in human history. As an American, you are still nonetheless ashamed of the malignant idiocy inflicted on the world. Fucking Christ.

I don't think anyone is prepared for how bad things will get this week. Not sure you really can prepare for this never ending series of soul extinguishingly stupid clusterfucks. Anyways, I hope you had a nice time enjoying Christianity's 2nd most popular plagiarized holiday.

BREAKING: the missing U.S. service member has been successfully rescued after a very brutal fight. I damn sure don't support this war, but I sure as hell support our nation's service members surviving it. I dread knowing many will not be so lucky if this clusterfuck continues.

An American fighter jet has been shot down by Iran. At least two American pilots are missing, with Iran issuing a national alert to hunt them down for hostage taking. Our helicopters are flying low to the ground. Epic Fury has officially become Epic Clusterfuck.

Another brainless-botoxed-blownout-bimbo bitch bites the dust. You may have thought I was dead given my lack of shitposting about Bondi's firing. Fair, but I'm just working hard on getting the next chapter of "The Gospel of Fuck you" up. Regularly scheduled social media fuckery then resumes.

Pretty fucked up when a prolific shitposting, obnoxiously militant atheist is so insulted by a betrayal of Jesus' teachings that he has to preach the Gospel to a massive Twitter "Christian" influencer. Figured I'd save a screenshot with Gunther's 666 likes for cosmic posterity.