Where does this leave Reeves' tax speech later? #kco www.theguardian.com/society/2025...

Personally I’d like more news about colossal squid and less about colossal cunts. Trump, Farage, Rowling et al — cold, spineless, slimy —but only the squid know about real depth #TenThousandLeaguesUnderAnySortofHumanEmpathy #ignoranceistheparentoffear www.theguardian.com/environment/...

Made up countries run by fake religions - Clearly you can't just draw lines on a map and say some guy in the clouds told you, you could have it you know. That would be mental. www.theguardian.com/world/2025/a... #whataloadofbolivia #fakecountriesrealcunts #freepalestine

Biggest safety threats 2025? Terrorism? No. Economic collapse? No. Climate breakdown? No. War? Na. Nuclear arsenals in the hands of maniacs? No. Violence against women soaring? Eh? - no It’s some kid writing on stuff. In Guildford! In Surrey! [Monocle falls into glass] www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

Anarchist burlesque? Don't mind if I do. www.ticketsource.co.uk/whats-on/roc...

What have trees ever done? 2025: We demand PROGRESS. We demand GROWTH. MORE STUFF! Pave the forests! Tarmac the rivers! Make Dartmoor a Greggs Superstore. Ban the colour green (again)! Set squirrels on fire. MORE CONCRETE! www.theguardian.com/environment/... #CantEatMoney #CantGrowConcrete

She's right. I was banned from an all you can eat Buffet because I criticised HS2. Of course on my restraining order it said it was because 1. You can't bring your own 'cutlery'. 2. I was 'growling' at other customers 3. A shovel isn't cutlery. But I know! www.theguardian.com/world/2025/m...

Even Johnson didn’t manage to piss off the Quakers. But for Starmer—Frankenstein mix of man and porridge (made with water)—this is personal. www.bbc.co.uk/news/article... #BritishPolitics #PorridgePM #LabourParty #KeiriousBehaviour #QuakerQuarrel #PoliticsButWeird #RevengeoftheBeigeFromBeyond

www.theguardian.com/world/live/2... Do you think he'll have to include the nap times, how many changes Trump required? What type of animal was the puppet they used for Putin? #bigbraveboy #naughtystep #rapistinthewhitehouse #thetraitors

DWP maintain he's fit to work. Looking forward to PMQs later & Starmer making all the right noises about him before justifying attacking society's most vulnerable in an attempt to appease the type of people John & his colleagues protected us from. #PMQs #WelfareCuts #battleofbritaintwo

What’s he supposed to do? Tax the rich? He’d lose his invite to Murdoch’s BBQ. Kemi & the Tories will be there—tumbling out of a Ka, honking their red noses, flinging buckets labeled ‘Policies', only to douse everyone in sparkly hate crime. www.theguardian.com/society/2025... #TaxTheRich

Astronauts stranded on the ISS have appeal denied—judge rules they must return & suffer with the rest of us. One quoted as saying: “All not lost. It’s an X spaceship. Odds are it’ll explode on contact with air.🤞” www.theguardian.com/science/2025... #InSpaceNoOneCanHearYouSayFuckTrump #SpaceMigrants

US dominating the '2025, Humans = Cancer' games. Although strong plays from the UK & Wes Streeting. Shocking from The Guardian. Twice, autocorrect has changed her job to 'hunting' influencer. #SamJonesControversy #wombattotheface #vegancomedian www.theguardian.com/environment/...

Deep down here by the dark water lived old Musk, a small slimy creature. I don’t know where he came from, nor who or what he was. He was Musk—as dark as darkness, except for two pale beady eyes in a face like human skin had been pulled over Kermit the Frogs head.”

Only 2 gigs this week: Quiet night at @gandbcomedy, testing new bits. @declanevanscomedy smashed it. Great warm-up for my first 20 at @poodleclublondon—intimate but a party. Honoured to open on #InternationalWomensDay with a killer lineup. Crowd was feral. #StandUp #LiveComedy #LondonComedy #OpenMic

I know you wanted me to stay, but I can't ignore the crazy visions of me in Sydenham. So I’ll be strutting, ranting, and possibly oversharing at The Poodle Club—the place where boys and girls—and comedians—can all be Queens every single day... well, for 10 or 20 mins! #ThePoodleClub #LiveComedy

What's your favourite cryptid? Do you think it ever existed? #CryptidOrCrap #LogOrLegend #MonstersOrMarketing #ProbablyJustAnOtter

Elon Musk has spent more money trying to penetrate the heavens than he has a woman. And to be fair, with greater success – the rocket lasted minutes. I heard he was last seen on the launchpad, screaming “DID YOU CUM?!” into the sky #OneSmallDickForMan #ToInadequacyAndBeyond #HoustonWeHaveImpotence

Not sharing intelligence? Do they have enough to go around anyway? Since they stopped manufacturing it, I assume there are massive tariffs on importing things like intelligence, common sense, and humanity. #USUkraine #ShortSupply #161comedy www.theguardian.com/world/2025/m...

Luckily, legends like @Care4Calais and @ReadingRedKitchen are out there doing the government’s job instead of coming up with focus-grouped fascism. Eat the rich. Except Musk. The vegan cheese of humanity. #Solidarity #RefugeesWelcome #EatTheRich

www.theguardian.com/politics/202... Earthworm Jim in a wig again. ‘Stop the Boats’ was too stark’? Yeah, mate, the branding was the issue—not the sheer callousness of it. Good job it was only illegal immigrants, eh? Can you imagine if we treated refugees like that? #StopTheSlogans #BeigeCruelty

🚨 TONIGHT! 🚨 I’m at G&B Comedy at The Bell, saying things that made sense in my kitchen but will almost certainly collapse under scrutiny. #GandBComedy #punkstandup #161comedy

The world’s most technically alive being nods like Kermit the Frog at a shareholder meeting, except with less charisma and more government subsidies? I thought the capitalist was that stupid, self-obsessed, egomaniac pig he hangs around with. #AnarchoComedy #ThisMachineKillsFascists #TechnoParasite

www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025... JD Vance thinks cutting off Ukraine is “good for America.” Like when your landlord says rent hikes “help the economy”—yeah mate, your economy. Absolute spineless coward. #Satire #AnarchoComedy #LaughingAtTheFascists #ThisMachineKillsFascists #JDGrift #Foxaganda

www.theguardian.com/technology/2... Makes sense—overprivileged, unqualified, and worshipped for doing nothing of value. That' their whole brand init? 👑🚀 #Satire #AnarchoComedy #LaughingAtTheFascists #ThisMachineKillsFascist