Hearing about a person for the first time at the exact moment of "they're bad actually" is called a milkshake cuck

Ah yes, the classic joke format of pervasive and violent white supremacy.

Today's example of the "sometimes you need coffee in order to make coffee" paradox: I poured whole beans into the water tank

Does watching a clip of Cory Booker wilting under direct questioning still count as giving any time or thought to Cory Booker? Because my instinct is yes it is and no thanks.

Finding out about D'Angelo from my white suburban boomer mom is fucking my head up

Measure my life twice into pieces This is my penultimate resort

Celebrating Columbus Day the traditional way: by impulse buying a matinee ticket to see Tron and entering the theater 20 minutes before showtime to witness a blowjob in progress

I don't know you guys, I think Bari Weiss is killin' it.

40% of the accounts I follow talk about normal sports 40% of the accounts I follow talk about how strange it sounds when other people talk about any sports 20% of the accounts I follow talk about weird sports that I don't know anything about, like some kind of a big rugby tournament

I live on a block that gets a lot of cruise traffic between a "look at me" commercial strip and the highway, so I'm used to hearing all manner of bangers being blasted out of slow moving vehicles. What I did not expect this morning was Sara McLaughlin.

Wait a minute. If you were a severed employee, you could just keep going out the stairwell for 8 hours a day until they fired your outie.

America's military MUST lead the world in discipline, and that is why they are ALL doing No Nut November

"Tonight, we will debut the diarrhea color rush uniforms" - The Arizona Cardinals

Motorcycle jacket that says "Monchhichi is my Labubu"

"hey you guys you know what would be funny as hell? if we all died. like imagine the stench from our corpses LOL we should totally all do it"

Doug can get a little handsy, according to the #MeToo Emu

Sometimes being a Ravens fan feels like believing in democracy

not a lot of people know it but Con Air is based on a true story of a real flight

Guillermo: "You have no idea what you have just unleashed."

Your honor, my client may have rescued up to 20 babies!

"Also, although it is not immediately clear why this detail may be necessary to mention, he was in no way cheating on his wife at the time of the incident."

Going to keep living inside of every rumor of my choosing. You can just do this now.

Cause of death: millions of wishes.

Vote for the party that is apparently only $1 by midnight away from defeating Susan Collins, no matter who

I'm right on the cusp of Gen X and Millennial so sometimes my brain forgets there's an internet and tricks me into sitting alone in a room and trying to deduce if Shakedown from the Beverly Hills Cop soundtrack is Kenny Loggins or Bob Seger for 10 minutes with the focus of a Shaolin monk

Narcissism.

I got a lot better at Wordle when I changed my strategy to "what's the most New York Times-ass horseshit word this could be"?

When you reply to a skeet before the poster turns replies off....

Threw out my back so if I drop something I've gotta go apple bottom jeans to pick it up.

(Car rolls by blasting Bruce Springsteen and covered in Bruce Springsteen-related memorabilia) Me, turning to the person next to me: "That's too much boss" The person, who is Bruce Springsteen: "WAY too much boss."

Yes, but riddle me this: do you ALSO know an OTHER fact?!

You ever pause for a second while you're scrolling your feed and go "wow look at all these posts we all did"? DO YOU EVER DO THAT.

I wish these Music League jobbers would Bambo-lay-off the Gypsy Kings

Didn't think I'd ever say this, but that might be too much Old Bay

Financial institutions: u up?

On behalf of all the low-follower accounts, I just want to declare that the real funniest thing on this platform is how long we spent crafting the shitty replies that get us blocked.

Sold off a lot of vinyl when I got shitcanned last year. Spent a lot of the proceeds on buying stuff back on CD. Now I'm burning the CDs to mp3 so I can listen on my phone without using the internet or paying for Spotify. My question: what, if any, awards are available for speedrunning 1986-2006?

Peapodding groceries so I can Doordash in trade

Please stop grocerypilling me

I like potato puns as much as the next guy. But sometimes Wes is Moore.

Pushing my own grandmother down the stairs in my rush to reply some version of "slavery was bad actually" to this

Went to Noodles & Co. today and ordered something called "beef bulgogi mac & cheese" which forced me into a full system reboot nap that I awoke from covered in sweat and drool with science fiction hair and only a vague idea what day it might be. 10/10 would recommend.

The kiss cam at the Coldplay concert lands on me as I am lovingly embracing a giant Pillsbury dough boy because my wife can't eat gluten

LAWDY LAWDY LOOK WHO'S BAWDY

(high fives self with the confidence of somebody who knows with 10000% certainty that they have made an obvious joke for the first time in human history)

Mixed emotions. On the one hand, I'm relieved I finally got this CD to eject from my external drive. On the other, Hunx and His Punx "Gay Singles" would have been among the funniest possible CDs to be stuck in there forever.

(writes script for direct to streaming antiwoke superhero action movie called Tough Guy that's just a montage of Mark Wahlberg putting on tactical gear for 70 minutes before punching a Dominican grandma one time)

I'm here to do two things. Fire off bad posts nobody likes and experience the corresponding sensation of receiving the complete absence of a dopamine hit. Also unrelatedly I have been all out of bubblegum for multiple decades.

Oh YEAH? Well if I'm such a loser, how come I made the front page of r/obviousloser THREE TIMES?!!