Hey Lauren, would you be a lamb and remove your name from the discharge petition? 5 minutes later… NUKE SOUTH AMERICA

Ground Air Force One. He’s a flight risk.

Matthew Dowd: Awful words lead to awful actions. Fired. Megyn Kelly: Raping 15 year old girls is not as bad as raping 5 year old girls. Still employed.

Monday: blue Tuesday: grey Wednesday: also grey Thursday: don’t care about you Friday: in love

Actual photo of trump, Stephen Miller and Pam Bondi.

Jesus, Megyn - maybe sometimes you should just think things.

Seems like trump needs to manufacture another major distraction today. Maybe he’ll pardon George Santos again.

No better way to start the day than a hot cup of Grijalva.

Who else is seeing this tonight? Incredible. I feel humbled.

Unlike the other social media platforms, I really don’t know any of you here. But to all of you that see this who have served or are still serving, I thank you for your commitment, sacrifice and bravery. 🇺🇸

Apparently No Kings includes Angus.

Octopussy

Wordle woke up and chose violence today.

Birds keep crashing into our windows. It sounds like someone is out there throwing sandwiches at my house.

I wish people would throw sandwiches at me.

Old McDonald had a fart E-I-E-I-Ohhh shit

We will see the files and files. We will see the files and files. We will see the files and files and files and files and files.

If my elementary school had student government, I would’ve campaigned on the longest recess ever. Turns out I was a perfect fit for the House of Representatives.

We drove to Detroit for the Back to the Future musical but arrived 30 years early.

Banner day in history. And as pure luck should have it, I have tickets to see Back to the Future: The Musical tonight.

Only 51 days until Christmas 🎄 And only 1172 days until the end of whatever the fuckery this is.

Yesterday morning I unknowingly ate an egg 6 weeks past the sell-by date. Then last night, despite my efforts to hold back, I put my wife in a Dutch oven so horrific and inhumane it could have been grounds for divorce. It was really some of my finest work. Happy to report we are still together.

So they’ll allow people to eat. Partially.

Only 52 days until Christmas 🎄 And only 1173 days until the end of whatever the fuckery this is.

Only 53 days until Christmas 🎄 And only 1174 days until the end of whatever the fuckery this is.

What is the most annoying sound on the planet and why is it the YouTube TV start up chime?

To about 77 million of you: don’t forget to set your clocks back to Tuesday Nov. 5 and maybe do better.

I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Vance. Er…Bowman? No wait … Hamel. F it just kiss the white lady and enjoy this new ballroom for up to 3 years.

Rubio offering humanitarian aid to Cubans is comical. USA: here’s some food, water and money. Cuban: gets on a boat to retrieve food, water and money USA: ope - now you must die.

Twice today ChatGPT told me I have good instincts and now I just might have a new bestie.

I think I need a nap so I’m going to set my alarm for the 19th inning.

When nobody sees your posts on here is that called talking into a blue hole?

Tonight my wife confided that she doesn’t really like my chili recipe and I wish she had just cheated on me.

I wasn’t going to get into that leftover Dutch apple pie tonight but I’m still awake so….

I’m starting to think I get invited to parties just for the Skyline Chili dip.

He’s going to name the ballroom after himself which explains why it has to be so big. How else are they going to fit The Convicted Felon Pussy Grabbing Malignant Narcissist Fraudulent Grifting Child Molesting Golf Shanking Con Artist Spelling Bee Dropout Poopy Pants Event Center on the building?

I have a curious relationship with God. I don’t believe in the personified being, and I don’t believe in organized religion. At the same time, I am a spiritual person and I believe there is a higher power that goes beyond human understanding. Even so, I talk to “him” sometimes. I think he gets me.

Things are happening.

Karoline is a dick.

My four kids (ages 18-28) are in group chats and they say a lot of stupid, off-color things. Usually about things like sports, music or movies. Never about burning people, gas chambers or restoring slavery. It’s not normal JD. Stop pretending it is.

Moon over my lakey

I swear I didn’t pick an outfit to match my beer but here we are.

Someone just referred to me as “that older guy from Michigan” and now I need more bourbon.

Today is my birthday in case any of you were looking for a reason to day drink. 🥃

Wordle 1,356 1/6 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 Time to pick a new starter word.

I remember when Canadians opened their homes to provide shelter, food and comfort to American passengers after their flight was diverted north of the border on 9/11. In a moment of trauma in the U.S., Canada and other allies around the world showed compassion. This is so tragically embarrassing.

Have you ever performed a heart transplant? No, but I’ve seen videos.

His proper name is Felonturd.

Voice texted my grocery list and now tonight’s fiesta is going to be wild.