Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.

Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.

There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.

I wish I could Google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed.

Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.

You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?

Do you realize that a woman`s "I`ll be ready in five minutes." and a guy`s " I`ll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?

You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.

You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.

Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."

Is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?

Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.

Such a relief when things I`ve been meaning to do become things I meant to do but now it`s too late.

I`ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another.

I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.

There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court.

Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.

If there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.

I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.

Note to Self: These Note to Selves don’t work.

I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s.

No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.

We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.