They looked exactly the same as they did 30 yrs ago when they were first married. The vow-renewal speeches were #heartfelt. You could tell because they said so. They had to. Their faces couldn’t say it. The guests looked surprised. They always did these days. Lovely pics though! #vss365

Ex-Superintendent Carol sighed. Her books stood upright on the shelf, neatly sandwiched between the book ends that were her retirement gift. Now it was Carol who was #wonky. “You should relax & read those,” said Ian from the armchair. Carol could think of a better use for those book ends… #vss365

Our wedding photo: A kiss You #stooping Me on tiptoes 25 years of meeting in the middle My calves are overdeveloped now Your back has a slight hunch But opposites still attract. #vss365

My therapist said I was too careful. I should be more #slapdash. I tried. Unmade bed. Missed calls. Messy makeup. Exhausting. “You’re thinking about it the wrong way,” she said. *Slapdash,* I thought… then I slapped her & dashed off. She was right. I felt better! #vss365

Murphy is #kooky in exactly the way my old dog was. I like to think he’s a reincarnation. “All Labradors do that,” they say. The upside-down sleeping position. The head-tilt. But when I call him “Josh,” he stops. …and when we pass the spot where the body’s buried, I swear he winks at me. #vss365

The email said the work party was #unmissable. Socialising with work colleagues? No way. I didn’t go. On Monday, I was summoned by HR. I explained I had other plans. They nodded. “That’s ok. But you won’t miss the next one.” “Well…” I began. “It’s at your house.” #vss365

Every week, a handwritten letter is #delivered, addressed to the previous occupant who died years ago. Curiosity wins this week. “Dear Rose, Thank you for writing back. Your lodger sounds awful, throwing your letters away! Don’t do anything rash. Unless she opens one…” #vss365

The nail technician & I admire my new manicure: “HELP ME” emblazoned across my nails in gold; a crying face #adorned with glitter. I shoot her a meaningful look. She laughs. “It’s your most complex one yet. If you ever ask for plain nails, I’ll know something’s wrong!” #vss365

“ #Symphony no.10,” he said, pen poised over the final note. “Know what’s special about that?” “No, but I’m sure you’re about to tell me…” He was insufferable when he was composing. “It breaks ‘The Curse of the 9th,’ where composers die before completing the…” “10th?” She lowered the axe. #vss365

I didn’t think I’d aged at all, until I ran into an old friend. I froze, #spooked by what time had done to her. We both jumped & laughed. A little too loudly. The look on her face told me she’d had the same reaction to me. #vss365

I didn’t want my perfume to attract men anymore. I was sick of it. I wanted a repellent. “ #Oddball Eau De Parfum repels most people,” the assistant said. “Perfect.” I snapped it up. But I’m still trailed by oddballs, just like before. Maybe it was never the perfume… #vss365

I woke up on my 18th birthday feeling worldly wise. But the note under my pillow told me otherwise. “You’re #clueless!” it said. “As if!” I pouted. Nanna said I’d find true wisdom on my 50th birthday… Under my pillow, the note says, “Still clueless.” I nod. “I know.” #vss365

This game of #Balderdash was taking a sinister turn. Or maybe it was just Lucy’s paranoia. “Snicket,” said Angela. “The sound Lucy will make when her secret is out.” All eyes rested on Lucy. She made a high-pitched squeak. Just like she did in the alley that night… #vss365

I read so much these days that I conserve energy by not fully imagining the characters. They’re just an #abstraction. It’s the story that matters. “That’s very lazy,” says my book club friend. “It could be dangerous.” “What? How?” I laugh. But her face is just a blur. #vss365

The time always comes. I sigh as she lifts me down from atop the tree. She takes great #delight in tidying us away. Right before I fall into the box, I flick a bauble down the back of the sofa. Bad luck if it stays beyond twelfth night. She won’t be so smiley by next year… #vss365

I dig my old Barbie’s Dreamhouse out of the loft for the kids. Turns out the house always morphs to reflect the owner’s #dream. It’s no longer a giant pink mansion, but a chic French apartment. “Mummy, why is Ken locked in the shed?” says my daughter. #vss365

We thought we could #travel back 30 years by seeing a live 90s band reunion. In a way, we did. The sound, the mood, the feelings: all the same. “Encore!” we cried, not wanting it to end. They played until they collapsed. But we? We spilled, buzzing, back into the night. #vss365

The fish shop blaze had left nothing but smoke, ash, and one unscathed fish on ice. “The #sole survivor,” the owner said, half-laughing, half-crying. The fish rolled its glassy eyes. I decided against lunch... #vss365

He said, “You’re such an idiot for wanting moon & stars. That thing had 7 bloody rings, more valuable than #Mars!” And then he snatched it from my hand & hastily departed. I shouted, “well, that aftershave just smelled bad coz I’d f*rted!” #vss365

The aftershave I gifted him Was just as ill-received. I thought that “Eau de Christmas” Would give cinnamon & mead. Instead the faint aroma of Stale turkey filled the #air. And so it was we both agreed To end it then & there. #vss365

The days between Xmas & New Year are a #struggle. Ex-Sup’t Carol likens it to retirement. No routine. Main event’s over. But the real culprit for the haze? Carol has worked it out. Cheese. Aunt Em offers the cheeseboard. Carol eyes it knowingly. “No thanks. I’m mature enough…” #vss365

She always jokes on Instagram about hating her family. “I’m doing the Christmas challenge today,” she wrote this morning. “It’s where I just try to #survive Christmas… #Wish me luck, lol! See you on the other side.” Don’t worry, she won’t… #vss365 #vsschristmaso

Then they #shoot through the sky, bells jingling. “Look outside!” the children call. “Starlings!” I look again. Shapes morph into Santa’s sleigh & back again. Just a murmuration? I smile. Can’t be. Starlings wouldn’t conjure this much #christmasmagic. #vss365 #vsschristmas

A thud on the roof made me #jump. “ #Reindeer?” the kids called. “Probably. Back to sleep!” Outside, huge hoofprints steamed in the snow. “We want carrots!” voices boomed. I shook my head. I’d had too much sherry. Santa appeared. “Hope you didn’t drink mine?” #vss365 #vsschristmas

I gave a sigh as my true love Handed me my #stocking They never fail to let you down I shouldn’t find it shocking Promised me the moon & stars But it’s the usual pattern What d’you think I found inside? Only blinking #Saturn. #vss365 #vsschristmas

I preferred the overt #fighting of his family on Xmas Day. Watching gravy boats fly while Michael Bublé crooned about a #holly jolly Xmas was kind of funny, like a Tarantino movie. Round my house, words were quiet but sharp as knives, & the frost never thawed. #vss365 #vsschristmas

The street was famous for its Xmas lights, yet his house stood stubbornly unlit. The neighbours intervened. Now the house glowed. He was speechless. Maybe he was #humbled by its #enchanting beauty. Or maybe the lights they’d strung him up with had sealed his lips shut. #vss365 #vsschristmas

“Now, remember to say thank you when you open your present from Gran,” Mum used to say. We’d feign #gratitude with stiff smiles as we unwrapped another boring #book. Of course, now I know those books were gifts that kept giving. Thanks, Gran. For real. #vss365 #vsschristmas

When it gets him down, he reminds himself it could be worse. He could be his ghostly mate, Dave. “You #regret dying in a dodgy #jumper?” he says. “At least you were dressed.” Then he floats off, white bottom glinting in the moonlight, as people scream in horror. #vss365 #vsschristmas

My future self appears, glowing, beside the Ghost of Christmas Past. “I #recall this Christmas as so #merry,” future-me says. I look around. It doesn’t feel special. So I laugh louder. Hug tighter. “…Every Christmas was. Still is,” she adds, winking at me as she fades. #vss365 #vsschristmas

The Christmas lights glow ethereal, looping #gold words in the sky. “Let your imagination fly.” Now my #memory ignites & I recall that London always spoke to me like this, sparking wild thoughts. That’s exactly why I left. Some ideas should never take flight... #vss365 #vsschristmas

On wreath-making night, each creation perfectly reflects its creator. #Boho Bella’s is loose, wild, all feathers, driftwood & twine. Sparkly Sylvia’s glitters with #tinsel. Mine? Funeral-stark, all-white flowers. “Whose is that?” they say. “You’ll see…” I whisper. #vss365 #vsschristmas

I know I said we should spice things up to break the #monotony, but I didn’t expect him to don a full Santa outfit & appear by the fire. I played along. “Santa, I’m on the naughty list…” Later, over a #brandy, I purred, “Put the Santa outfit on...” He frowned. “Santa outfit?” #vss365 #vsschristmas

Mince pies. Home Alone. Slade. My festive spirit was soaring, which would be ok if it wasn’t only 13th December. Too much too soon. At this rate I’d reach my #apogee prematurely. My Dr prescribed a week with a #grinch. By Xmas Eve, I’ll be good to go again #vss365 #vsschristmas

“Looks like I’m doing it another year,” Santa sighed. “No luck appointing a #successor. Youngsters can’t even stay awake for an interview!” “You put something in their #hotchocolate again, didn’t you?” said Mrs Claus. Santa shrugged & poured a sherry. “No idea what you mean…” #vss365 #vsschristmas

“We’re under the #mistletoe,” Emma whispered to her married boss. “It doesn’t count.” The mistletoe nudged their lips together. Then their colleagues walked in - and it morphed into holly. Now it wasn’t cute. It was just #illicit. Exactly as the mistletoe wanted… #vss365 #vsschristmas

The bookshop #bewitched me. A cat sat by a mini replica of the shop, & I read the tale of the #Yulecat who eats people if no-one buys a book. A man left empty-handed. The cat ate a figurine. The owner gestured outside. “Hope those folk buy one.” A giant cat licked the glass. #vss365 #vsschristmas

When Dan left Mel, her mates provided #consolation in the form of “Ex on the Shelf” - an #Elf with Dan’s photo stuck on, placed in ever-more compromising positions on her lawn. Dan turned up on Xmas Eve. “Don’t you DARE!” hissed the Elf, its voice muffled beneath a Trump toy. #vss365 #vsschristmas

My son dazzles beneath the spotlight in his angel Gabriel outfit. He takes a deep breath & begins his #soliloquy, eyes wide with #wonder. I run onto the stage & grab his hand. “Alex, you’re 45 years old! Sit back down & let the children do their nativity!” #vss365 #vsschristmas

Santa’s suit is #fire- scorched. But it’s the #magenta lipstick smear that catches Mrs Claus’ eye. Not her shade. Not even close. She clicks her fingers. Rudolph’s antlers glint like blades. “One more delivery,” she says. “Make it short & sharp.” He snorts & paws the snow. #vss365 #vsschristmas

“When will I meet my dream man?” Liz sighed. The radio crackled. “#Snow is fallin” sang Shakin’ Stevens. It had to be an #augury! He’d come at Xmas. The door creaked open on Xmas Eve.. He was the man of her dreams alright. But not *those* dreams. The other ones. The nightmares. #vss365 #vsschristmas

What to buy his fiancée? Too #chic for anything cliché Always in the latest fashion But lacking warmth or true compassion Something cuddly might be nice To thaw & melt her heart of ice And so he gets her 2 cute kittens & hopes they won’t end up as #mittens… #vss365 #vsschristmas

My workmates insisted I attend the office Xmas #party even after I warned them about my #vespertine self. By day I’m HR-approved. But after 6, with free booze, my true form emerges. Brutally honest. By 9pm I’ve insulted everyone. Good job I’m also a werewolf... #vss365 #vsschristmas

Mel’s new boyfriend was perfect in so many ways. Kind & #chivalrous, he brought round a #christmastree, put it up & decorated it, complete with an abundance of thoughtful gifts arranged beneath it. Mel sighed. “This is lovely, Dave. But… it’s June.” #vss365 #vsschristmas

“Carol singers!” The little old lady claps with delight. “Come in for some #aphotic #gingerbread, my pretties!” she says. “What’s that?” The lights go out as we step inside. “It tastes better in the dark,” she whispers, & a tongue slithers down my face. #vss365 #vsschristmas

The children were #excited to see Elf On The Shelf again. Their Mum, not so much. The Elf’s arrival last year had heralded the end of her relationship. By Xmas Eve, her partner had gone. She eyed the Elf warily. “He was too #suave anyway,” it said, smoothing its felt hair. #vss365 #vsschristmas

It’s the #last day of November & I’m playing ‘Last Christmas’ & cursing myself for not untangling the lights last year before boxing them up. But wait. I *did.* I remember doing it! The angel snickers. “Right. You can stay in the box,” I say. I wake up on top of the tree. Ouch. #vss365

I try to focus on the things that really #matter: family, friends, health. But still I refresh my inbox every 5 minutes. When the ‘no’ finally comes, I cry. But the spider outside is already busily spinning a new web. I wipe my eyes and pick up my pen again. #vss365

My friends passed me another shot. “I can’t. Too much alcohol’s bad for my mental elf.” “You mean mental #health,” they laughed. I shook my head, pretended to drink, & tipped it into my bag for the little guy. He caused mayhem that night. “I did warn you,” I said as the police carted us off. #vss365

“Annie, tell your mum what you did to Billy,” said the teacher. “He was mean to me!” said Annie, “so I beat him up til he could hardly walk,” she said. “Sorry, it won’t happen again,” said her mum. “She’s still #learning.” She smiled. “Next time that kid won’t walk away.” #vss365