Eating croissants and watching #Strictly (because Miss Darcy couldn't get here until late yesterday evening and we promised we’d watch it together) with the blinds down to keep the sun out, we are so fecking decadent

Was there ever in the whole history of the universe anything as irritating and vacuous as a bloody Pandora ad

Oh no no not Bartleby, he can’t die, he’s only a hundred #TheArchers

Last night our 20-year-old cat staged a successful hunt for the first known time in her entire life and brutally ripped a leg off the resident spider, proving that it is never too late to take up a new hobby

Alan is such a rubbish vicar, if some old twats are begging you to take their money off their hands in aid of orphans or the church roof or naked prayer meetings in the Lady Chapel you take it, raise a quick thank you to the almighty and run #TheArchers

On #R4Today Nick Robinson asks question referring to wetsuit Ed Davey answers question referring to wetsuit Nick Robinson: Well I didn’t mention wetsuits but you do you

This is Bryan. I have no idea what Bryan is. Bryan was given to me as a tiny thank you gift by a child in July 2019, and has grown out of four plant pots since. Bryan is the only houseplant I've ever managed to keep alive for more than a fortnight. I actually love Bryan.

Blimey, that went on so long I needed emergency snacks and a foil blanket #Strictly

Currently suffering from blocked ears which are making me both deaf and mildly dizzy so watching #Strictly is a bit like being on magic mushrooms in a tiny submarine in an underwater nightclub with a really bad sound system I’m quite liking it so far

Never mind the adults stropping in the aisle - that‘s not unprecedented in my experience - if they don’t sing Cauliflowers Fluffy it’s not a genuine primary school harvest festival service anyway #TheArchers

My favourite person right now is the horse who did a poo in front of Trump yesterday

The Prof is sounding rather frail…but he’s still up to converting village shop customers to atheism, so that’s something #TheArchers

“London’s London.” More profound utterances on life the universe and everything from Ruairi in the next 73 episodes of #TheArchers

I really want to meet Charlotte Smith now so I can ask her about her favourite cow #TheArchers

Last night I dreamt I was going on holiday with a social media influencer but completely forgot to pack and she got arsey with me and made me craft her some earrings out of yoghurt pots and then I woke up, I reckon it was Amber #TheArchers

Nicely done, Pontllanfraith. Very nicely done indeed.

Surprised to hear the odious Laurence winding our Lyndibots up this week when surely his natural home is at the Reform conference waving a flag made in China and singing to the dead queen #TheArchers

Laurence, so toxic he makes Martyn seem likeable #TheArchers

I think I may be allergic to Amber #TheArchers

Hoping Rex has an ejector seat in his taxi #TheArchers

Now you see this is why I really love Lyndibots and her interfering ways, she’s taking on the golfing establishment for Chelsea and Zainab and you know she’s going to win #TheArchers

Asking crims in prison to help locate even nastier crims who’ve already got a grudge against you is such a great idea, what could possibly go wrong #TheArchers

I’m actually quite excited about Amber’s veneers, can’t wait for it all to go horribly wrong, mwahahaha #TheArchers www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle...

Accidentally listened to #bbcaq for 30 seconds, discovered 30 seconds is 20 seconds longer than you need to find out that Jacob Rees-Mogg is still a total knob in every possible way

Laurence going full racist again, doesn’t take much does it #TheArchers

I just accidentally trapped a wasp in the tumble dryer and honestly I feel awful

Amber is a bit of a bully, isn’t she…? #TheArchers

Three years ago our daughter and her partner admired the gift bag we’d put his birthday present in so much they badgered us to tell them where we’d got it and we were forced to admit that it was the bag the cat’s ashes had come back in and now it’s a family tradition to use it for all his birthdays

Reform UK in Wales don't think it's important for them to have a leader. They really should be called Reform England. This said, maybe they're a bit scared to have a Reform UK leader in Wales, because their previous one is currently on trial for allegedly taking Russian bribes.

If ever I was stood up I’d want Tracy around to pick up the pieces, Martyn is very lucky #TheArchers

Continuity announcer: And now on #TheArchers, Martyn is all loved up! Listeners:

I do like it when a sheep actually poses for the camera

“I just don’t want any drama,” says Brian, this week’s recipient of the Ambridge Top Drama Queen award #TheArchers

I confess I love the whole teddy zipwire thing and would totally be taking my teddy to have a go on it if I were still of an age to take him out in public #TheArchers

Bella wishes all International Cats a very happy International Cats Day. Well, she would if she could be bothered.

Gordon Brown on #R4Today talking total sense about child poverty again

Will really is the number one village idiot and that’s despite some serious competition #TheArchers

They *can’t* close the village shop, it would be like the ravens leaving the Tower or Farage having more than four MPs, it would be The End of Days #TheArchers

How has nobody actually smacked Amber round the face with her own iPhone yet, she’s appalling #TheArchers

I’ve come to the conclusion that I can live without both DMs and unsolicited penises so I probably won’t bother attempting to prove to Bluesky or anyone else that I’m an adult. What’s actually required, anyway? If it’s a video showing you can load a dishwasher in a sensible manner, I’d be done for.

I love the fact that Chelsea and Mia are getting on so well and finally like each other. I don’t actually give a toss what Amber thinks of anyone so that’s fine too. #TheArchers

Proof that sheep can read, and are also very good girls

You probably don’t need to see a pole dancing squirrel but here’s one anyway

Hot competition for the Worst Parent of Rosie award tonight, get a grip Toby, no seven year old needs a fecking phone #TheArchers

Now I admit I’ve always been Team Chelsea, but I’m not blind to her faults and I can totally believe she was a bit robust <koff> with other kids at school. However. I reckon this is not as straightforward as Amber is making out. #TheArchers

Bet you Rosie’s said naff all about calling Stella anything other than Stella, we only have the execrable Pip’s word for it after all #TheArchers

Oh great it’s Pip #TheArchers

If more people had the moral courage to stand up to George things would be a whole lot better for everyone, it shouldn’t just be on Neil #TheArchers

Justin and Martin taking tea together. Can’t stop picturing Hinge and Bracket. #TheArchers