I'm making blackberry margaritas if anyone wants one

"Little boys who aren't polite give the Pro Choice movement a reason to exist"

I'm gonna get someone pregnant with a girl, name the girl Carmen SanDiego, then leave them both so I can occasionally sigh wistfully and say "Where in the world is Carmen SanDiego?"

Share a great female villain I was stunned with how much she grew on me and just how many facets she has. Merciless to her enemies, takes care of those close to her in her own way, playful with all. Determinedly on her own path while keeping touch with her roots. Opera Diva to the core

And it's called "I Will Survive...No, Wait, I Know This One"

🚨SUBURGATORY IS ON NEFLIX. THIS IS NOT A DRILL 🚨

A Walk Hard-esque movie about Reba where she's played by Melissa Peterman

Your insistence that all celebrities are pedophile cannibals is a bit concerning combined with your reality show audition tapes and you trying to release an album

One of my all-time favorite quotes

We have strayed from the light of God

Spending the day with my one true love...Waffle House coffee

If I ever have to have an antagonist in my life I hope they're played by Joan Cusack

Let's assume time being relative is fact. I land on Mars. It takes less than a day to get there. The next day, Superman does that thing where he flies around the Earth so fast it goes back in time. And he sets it back in time a week. Are there two me's, one on Mars and one on Earth?

I think it's been long enough that I can share this. Every single hotel employee had plenty of toilet paper in 2020. We were D R O W N I N G in it

Yo no se porque hablo español cuando estoy bebiando el alcohol

One of my less-than-noble traits is I love drama as long as I am not involved in any way. But man, the new girl at work's personal life is too much drama even for me

I hope Sabrina Carpenter and Miss Piggy remain frenemies forever

Do I want pizza or do I just want hot cheese? The eternal question

"What? You'd prefer I'd have sex near your son, or above your son? I don't see what the big deal is about me having sex with your son" Children's Hospital deserves to be remembered as the comedic goldmine it was

Oh, nevermind. She sent out the wrong schedule. I should have known better. It was a good thing that happened to me

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 17 YEARS I WILL NOT BE WORKING DURING A SNOWSTORM PRAISE BE TO YEVON

Gonna start signing off my e-mails with this

A friend of mine has never had baked mac and cheese before so I'm going to rock his world tonight (in a non-sexy way (well, maybe sexy if you like cheese THAT MUCH (which I'm sure someone does (not that there's anything wrong with that))))

I'm 38!

Weird Factoid For the Day: The number one song on the charts during the Cuban Missile Crisis was The Monster Mash

I just got screamed at for asking for a man's ID because "I BET [I] WOULDN'T ASK AN ILLEGAL FOR THAT". Such a normal time to be alive

My New Year's Resolution is to start attending wine tastings and blowing raspberries whenever someone swirls their glass, does the little sippy thing, talks about it's legs, or spits in the bucket

Apparently I'm not as mysterious as I thought because a tongue-in-cheek fantasy novel and a sexy horror story is about as close to an ideal present as I can get

At work and going through my first hangover in almost 20 years. If any of you ever wanted to kill me now's a great time

I just woke up from a dream where I went to a restaurant that was just chefs perfecting grilled cheese experiments and they put them on a buffet thing for you to grab next to a sign saying what made that grilled cheese different and not gonna lie, my subconscious is a goddamn genius

For the record I also did not have an affair with Michelle Obama

It's bullshit that Vecna got to telekinetically fix his broken ankle and I had to have fucking S U R G E R Y

No but really why are Jonathon and Murray still on Stranger Things? What do they do?

Christmas Day and I drove home with the windows down. Did I move back to Florida and nobody told me?

I'm gonna save every Chinese restaurant thousands of dollars in 2026. Don't order menus. We all know what we want

I hope Santa came down everyone's Christmussy and left something behind

Stumble is easily my favorite new show of the season

Merry Christmas, y'all

I'm so glad to have Melissa Peterman on my TV again. And I'm even happier she got to play with Carol Kane and Christopher Lloyd this week

My commute home was a half hour longer because some jackasses decided to race/drift/whatever on the road to my house and held everyone up. I bet their dicks are ENORMOUS

Me when you're on fire and what if you meant to be on fire and I'm an idiot for assuming otherwise

Men are dumb

The people who got pissy about Liberals not hysterically sobbing and mourning Charlie Kirk are quick to defend the worst carrot of all time

A pretty blonde woman took off my shirt, laid me down, and rubbed my chest down and...nothin'. Definitely gay

Madeline Stowe in full clown outfit and make-up in Welcome to Derry is absolutely sending me

Is it particularly difficult to be on time? Am I some kind of prodigy because I can get places on time?

I'm bouncing around a Metroid Prime 4 playthrough on the You Tubes and I find myself saying "that's a vagina" more than I ever have in my life

Thinking about the one that got away. If anyone knows Justin Harper (last I heard he was in Iowa years ago) let me know

Oh it me

When I'm president there will be a thing called "cold days" where if it's cold you can stay in bed all day and get paid normally but if you get out and go to work you get paid double for being so brave