what i want to look like vs what i actually look like

if her eyes get more wet than her pussy, how dare you!!!!

the next person to mention 2016 is getting put in the chokey

i don’t eat all day and then wonder why i’m so tired… you need to fuel your body, bitch

rocky impression off, i win

wish my farts were so nice people would pay for them

i know that isn’t true but my feelings are telling me otherwise - a saga

a man taking longer than 30 minutes to shower? he’s definitely yanking that thing

I’d set bob dylan on fire

COOKIE 👹

this is what you want? 🍺 this is what you get 🫩 (depression)

this is what you want?🍷 this is what you get 🍼 because you’re a fucking cry baby, drink your sippy

call Nev up right now and tell him about The Emperor

im being psychologically tortured but cant prove it (because im being psychologically tortured)

man i love soduku!

piss freak on Industry, alert, piss freak on Industry

wasn’t blessed after i sneezed, now i’m gay

my son (cat) keeps knocking my pills off the counter like ok we get it, you’re against big pharma

it’s giving pussy

we creamed that, real shit

I MOG, U DOG

started watching Industry, it’s just corporate Euphoria

what illness does this burger have???

my self esteem is fine, whatever…

it’s NOT funny to self deprecate in therapy, you’ll just be referred to a 3-month group therapy program for self esteem

my therapist hates the way i am so real and self aware so she signed me up for a self esteem group therapy program

starting all my texts with “dear (name),” from now on

humans deciding to start letters with “dear” is kinda so cute…

looOoVe and HaaPpineSs

my new vocal stim is “love and happiness” like Al green

mad men, severance, peep show, succession, what’s next, come to peace with the unknown?

my friend is actively reading the book i bought her for Christmas (she got a copy from the library) and i had no idea, im THAT good

there being one oyster missing is symbolic

you think you’re crying that hard because a boy rejected you? HA no, it’s because your mom left you when you were 8

just realized… of course they can’t give their BUSTIEST woman a double chin

mad men should’ve retired that god awful facial prosethic after Peggy but NO

poo poo on you chilling by the fire what we eating poodoodoo

don’t try anal thinking it’s going to feel like shitting because it’s not

one drop of coffee and bowels start screaming

most of all, i’m worried about not being able to shit when i need to shit when i have roommates again

mama got a raise 👹

when you’re Pete and someone does something for your sake

how many blinkers does it take to kill a cart?

if someone answers you with “sure,” that means they want you to kys :(

don’t trust a man who tells you his favorite movie is Poor Things

messy ass eater hiding their shame

i know i have rsd because i asked cesar if he wanted to see my unibrow before i pluck it and he said no, and now im sad

mama has deep, deep pain

no one reps etnies like i do honestly

ill stop talking about it tomorrow but vyvanse has made everyday feel like Friday