When Richarlison retires, the entirety of the tribute video should be him blocking the physio from treating Frimpong.

When Adam Arkin is your best customer, he receives certain privileges.

Changes need to be made next week. Let me be the first to congratulate new Buffalo Bills offensive coordinator Kevyn Adams.

Noam Chomsky? More like No Am Good Person, amirite?

Alina Habba has resigned as the acting US attorney for the District of New Jersey to spend more time going after Letitia James’s family.

Spotify wrapped says my listening history implies I died of a drug overdose in 1982.

Yes, I had a colonoscopy. I don’t know where they put the tube but it was perfect. Here’s a statement from my doctor: “He has the best and most presidential ass ever.”

JD Vance just found out it’s too late to return that couch to the Bay.

Will ICE never quit?

Cloudflare is a consequence of eating at Taco Bell.

And there goes my deal with Hallmark for “A Christmas Election.” Mark has a new job in a new town. Can he have all that and the confidence of the House of Commons? Maybe, just maybe, his new friend Elizabeth will help him have the best Christmas. Also starring Matt Jeneroux.

Whatever happened to work-life balance? Towns flattened on Friday will still be rubble on Monday. Enjoy your weekend, David!

I do not have a problem.

An atmospheric river is a storm system composed by Brian Eno.

I was feeling a bit homesick so the nice people at the LADWP brought the Niagara River to me.

Totally unfair that Zohran Mamdani didn’t also quote Curtis Sliwa’s father.

Switching through every New York City tv station and not a single one has mentioned the Yukon Party taking control in Whitehorse.

Blue Jays in 8.

Grooms should never write their own vows.

Ironic day for Andrew as it’s the result of his going to Epstein’s island to “get stripped of my titles, if you know what I mean.”

The most painful part of living in LA for this Blue Jays-Dodgers World Series is listening to the local newscasters pronounce Toronto with three syllables and two ts.

Anyone know a good marriage counselor? My wife says I’m “wantonly destroying our relationship” but I insist I’m “building the ballroom of our relationship.”

I’m all for giving your production company a silly name, but not if you’re making gritty documentaries. It’s a bit disconcerting to see a title card reading “75 Brutally Murdered Nuns. A Creamy Butt Nuggets production.”

Manically flipping between the Blue Jays, Monday Night Football, and a hockey game. I’ve managed to miss every run, touchdown, and goal.

I don’t see how Newfoundland and Labrador can survive the torrent of charisma flowing out of Tony Wakeham.

The world is finally coming around to my thinking - comedy that targets those in power is lazy, unfunny, and un-American. True satire is found in attacking those who can’t fight back. If given a late night show, I promise to deliver jokes aimed only at babies and toddlers, the freeloading assholes.

For what band did Cam Newton play rhythm guitar in 1968?

And in the darkest corner of Hell, Hitler is complaining about the damage to his reputation caused by Elie Wiesel.

Today is the 15th anniversary of our move to Los Angeles. The universe reminded me of this by placing me in a grocery store elevator with Sally Struthers.

Just learning that the King of France from 1422 to 1461 was Gord Downie.

Trump is right! Why are history museums so hung up on the past? They should focus on the future! Also, I just came back from the NFL Hall of Fame. Not a single mention of Guy Lafleur. Disgraceful!

People are afraid to go out for dinner in New York City because of all the nipple ring on beret violence.

Hello, I’m acting head of the Bureau of Labor Statistics Marco Rubio. Here are the August job numbers: President DONALD J. TRUMP added 947 gabzillion new jobs and unemployment fell to a historic negative 65 percent. I have revised the July numbers up to “all the jobs ever.”

The Democratic National Committee’s “Organizing Summer” will feature events in Alaska, Texas, Colorado and California over the coming week during which party insiders will scour nursing homes for the next batch of Democratic candidates.

Proud to announce I’ll be a co-executive producer on The Tiffany Trump Variety Hour! Weeknights at 11:35pm, only on CBS. Streaming the next day on Paramount+ and the White House YouTube page.

I am also getting divorced “in light of recent discoveries.” My wife left me for the James Webb Space Telescope.

BREAKING: The client list has been revealed!!! The Beatles Gerry and the Pacemakers Cilla Black Billy J. Kramer and the Dakotas The Fourmost I may have the wrong Epstein file.

Just heard that John Adams and Thomas Jefferson died. Gutted.

Bonne fête du Canada!

Free messaging idea for Democrats: One Big Bootyful Butthole

But announcing a name goes against everything they sang about in 1995!

The Supreme Court is going to be so busy reversing all of these executive power rulings when the Democrats get their next corpse into the White House.

Andrew Cuomo is running on the “Fight and Deliver Party” line. This whole campaign is a commercial for DoorDash.

I have sent a letter to Attorney General Pam Bondi requesting that Andy Ogles be denaturalized and deported back to a rat’s anus.

I think it’s sweet that in a month devoted to fulfilling Stephen Miller’s masturbatory fantasies, Trump took the time to bring Lindsey Graham to completion.

I’m glad I voted for President Donald J. Trump because he has and always will keep his promise to not get the USofA 🇺🇸involved in foreign conflicts! Anyway, Iran is a part of Massachusetts?

Happy Friday the 13th!

Very excited about RFK Jr.’s picks for the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices.

Woke up to find my Trader Joe’s ciabatta had already gone moldy. This is why we need the Marines in LA!