Horsely resolved to stop with his pranks and practical jokes at the family new year’s dinner. Later, at the hospital, when his wife chided him for breaking his resolution in half an hour, he said, “I’m sorry. A cherry bomb in the cherries jubilee is an impractical joke.”

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Bubba resolved to score a bear for his trophy room before the year was out. During hunting season. That September, just as hunting season closed, the bear dragged Bubba’s body into his cave. “Well that’s one resolution I can cross off this year’s list,” he said.

Delbert resolved to improve his grades before graduation in the spring. At the end of the year, when his father pointed out he still got a D+ in every class, he pointed out, “But my actual grade point average improved from 67 to 68.”

Bob resolved to treat his children with respect and his parents’ home like his own. His friend said he didn’t even have a girlfriend and his parents lived in Texas. Bob said that’s the idea. By June he’d lost his job, got his girlfriend pregnant and moved in with his parents.

Sharon resolved not to criticize her children at the New Years’ family dinner. On the way home, after she’d suggested her daughter switch to a diet wine, her husband told her, “At least the wine stain on your blouse matches the color of your skirt.”

The Jones forbid their daughter Sarah to have a party while they attended the country club’s New Year’s Eve soiree . They returned to find the house trashed, liquor cabinet empty, and kids everywhere. “It’s not a party,” Sarah said, “it’s an experiment in social interaction.”

Brad arrived at the apartment only to find cases of liquor stacked against the wall, JBL party box speakers in every room, a new HDTV, and a DJ setting up his station. He asked his roommate how they could afford all this, only to be told, “with your dad’s credit card.”

Declan told his frat brothers they couldn’t afford their New Year’s Eve party. “We blew all of Delta Iota Mu’s funds on last month’s Turkey bash.” Marcola said it was covered, he’d scored a boatload of cocaine to sell. That’s when the new pledge Stanley identified himself as DEA.

Chad’s roommate asked how he planned to throw a huge New Year’s party when they barely knew a dozen people. Chad replied, “liquor, blow, and hookers. That’ll bring them in.” Asked why women would come for hookers, Chad replied, “We’ll invite lesbians.”

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Santa landed his sleigh at a frat house to deliver the requested case of Coors. He found them cleaning up from a New Year’s party. When he said It wasn’t New Year’s yet, Brad pointed to the 2023 balloons. “We partied seven days short of a year. In 2024 we’ll go for the record.”

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#NativeAmericanPride #Immigration #DonaldTrump

#DonaldTrump #politics #immigration #children

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Rumors spread when conspiracy theorists spotted a slave ship and the letter K on Snapple. They must be spreading fascism with pop. The company defended themselves, saying the K was for kosher, which is ridiculous because nazis would never make, or drink anything kosher. #TwtStory

High in the Alaskan mountains you can find a cluster of transformers powering 180 antennas to control the weather, space lasers, and even our minds. But, don’t worry. It’s really to study the ionosphere. Are you sure that’s what you want me to say, master? #TwtStory

Body Shill was onto them. He’d traced the lizard people through Conan back to Madame Blavatsky. Someone knocked at the door. Two lizard people kicked it open. One removed his head. Surprise! It was Bigfoot. “You weren’t even close.” A grey transport ship whisked him away. #TwtStory

Todd Toaddey, DOGE investigator, snuck through the Apollo 11 command module outer hatch and into the Lunar Module. He descended the stairs to the surface. “I knew it was a hoax.” He died from the lack of atmosphere. Area 51 ops removed his body to ship back to Earth. #TwtStory

QAnon investigators breached the fortifications of Comet Ping Pong pizza parlor. The fought past servers squirting them with vinaigrette, and disabled a spatula wielding chef. They crept downstairs to the pedo ring basement only to find a sign: “Moved to Mar-A-Lago.” #TwtStory

#TwtStory Upcoming: Five tweet stories on the subject: Conspiracies

#MAGA #DonaldTrump #Jesus #ChristianRight #Hypocrisy

How to keep our children Christian. It's easier than you think. #MAGA #Religion #Christianity #Schools #FirstAmendment

When Winchell failed all five resolutions in the first week of the year, his best friend Beecham suggested his complete the first resolution he failed in high school. Get laid.

Times were tight at Bob’s auto parts, and the employees threatened to walk. He suggested they should resolve to tighten their belts to make it through. He wanted to buy a Jaguar F-Type convertible but he settled for the much cheaper XF. No one reported for work the next morning.

Christine’s mother approved her list of resolutions, resolutions that had been a long time coming. Little did she know that Christine wrote them to fulfill her resolution: Get mother off my back.

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Gilbert’s mother fucked up every resolution he made for the year, which he couldn’t understand until he found his mother’s only resolution. Get Gilbert out of the house.

Brad woke with the worst hangover on New Years and it didn’t go away. At 45, he didn’t bounce back with the hair of the dog like he did in college. He resolved to quit drinking entirely. In 2024. The best resolutions are those with no deadline

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Just the way you are #DonaldTrump #MAGA #LBGTQ #TransRights #Transgender #Hypocrisy #Diversity

Doublemint Gumshoe

Somebody didn't read his Bible carefully. (Matthew 7:21-23) #DonaldTrump #MAGA #Christianity #ChristianRight #Jesus

What were you saying about critical race theory? #DonaldTrump #MAGA #ChristianNationalism #CivilRights #Justice

#MAGA #DonaldTrump #ChristianRIght #Prayer

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At midnight, Frollo’s guards surrounded Notre Dame to seize the maiden Esmerelda. The hunchback Quasimodo helped her flee the church and led her to a castle filled with Lords and young maids like her. He removed his disguise, “I’m Count Epstein. Welcome to my party.” #TwtStory

Jossarian flew his mandatory 10 missions, then 15, and 20. Asked why his tour didn’t end, they citied Catch 22: you can’t leave if you ask to leave. Jossarian, a grade school dropout, said okay and flew 5 more. Which was when Mailer realized he needed to replace him. #TwtStory

A scream interrupted Hercule’s and Miss Marple’s canoodling. The businessman Ratchett lay dead in their corridor. 12 differently shaped stab wounds. Marple suspected 12 killers until a woman in a kimono mysteriously appeared—the author experimenting with metafiction. #TwtStory

Santiago hooked the marlin. It towed him out to sea. When it tired he harpooned it and tied it his boat, but sharks swarmed the corpse. Delirious, the old man recalled his lost love Lady Brett, an affair that failed because the Hun sharks took his balls during the war. #TwtStory

Natasha Rostov laid her head on Prince Andrei’s shoulder. “Andrei. You’ve become a fatalist since the war.” Anna ran through the room, sobbing. Andrei asked, “What’s her problem?” “She thinks Vronsky’s cheating.” “A girl like that should just jump in front of a train.” #TwtStory

#TwtStory Upcoming: Five tweet stories on the subject: The discarded version of the novel

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Tony made a New Year’s Eve resolution to not hit on Jean Hazlitt at the party. He’d tried every year, only to be rebuffed (and slapped) so why bother. As the party was ending the host found him in the closet with Jean wrapped around his hips. “She was upset that I ignored her.”

Bill made a New Year’s Eve resolution to stick to his diet by avoiding rich fatty, high sugar snacks at the party. When the hosts helped him to the spare room after the party, Jill said, “Doesn’t he know booze is loaded with sugar?” Her husband said, “Booze sugar doesn’t count.”

Brenda made a New Year’s Eve resolution to leave her husband Ralph if he behaved like an asshole. She’d debated leaving him. This seemed better than a coin toss. But Ralph made the resolution moot when he went home with that drunken slut Melinda. And she didn’t even make a pass.

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Melinda made a New Year’s Eve resolution to not look for some random guy to go home with so she wouldn’t be lonely. She woke up next to a man in his forties with beer breath, but at least he was a man. Her strategy worked. It was her first New Years hook up since college.

George suggested his friends make New Year’s Eve resolutions that would be easier to keep since they only needed to keep them one night. When his friends found him married to the toilet with a fifth of Scotch, his girlfriend said, “Count on George to tap out in four hours.”